I'm just doing the neutron dance

So I was in sunny Buffalo, NY this past Saturday for my good friend's wedding. If you are unfamiliar with the City of Buffalo, here is the highlight reel:

• Second largest city in New York.
  
• Had a population of around 580,000 people in 1950
• Currently has a population of around 270,000.
  
• The city got screwed when they routed the St. Lawrence Seaway around it, thus cutting it out of the commercial traffic.

Buffalo is like the Detroit of the Northeast. I am staying at the Hyatt, which is the largest hotel in the city. It's a little long in the tooth, and in their defense they are starting a guest room renovation campaign. But the hotel doesn't have to, nor does it, try that hard. The Pittsburgh Penguins stayed here last night. Fox Sports is here for the Bills game tomorrow. They basically have the market as no other major chain is going to build a new large hotel here with the amenities.

I'm currently paying 12 bucks for a sandwich at the hotel bar, which annoys me being that I'm frugal. On the upside, it's Beef on Weck, which is a Buffalo specialty. The bread is kimmelweck, a German bread that has salt on it and is quite tasty. So I take solace in the fact that's it is a good sandwich.

You might be asking yourself, "Why the hell are you eating in the hotel bar? Go out and help the local economy. I was an urban studies major in college, so I believe deeply in helping urban centers. However, when I walk outside the hotel this is what I see:This is Main St. They apparently closed it to vehicular traffic years ago and installed a light rail. This is a decent idea when you have a really bustling downtown and parking is an issue. In Buffalo however, parking is not an issue. And as the City of Poughkeepsie found out, when you have a pedestrian mall that is sparsely visited, people stay away. A lack of people on the streets doesn't seem safe to most people. There are studies done that show the greater proximity you are to other people, even if they're strangers, the safer you feel. As evidenced by the photo, it looks post-apocalyptic.

I will post more photos in a little bit

Thanks

So this Thanksgiving, I am giving thanks for two things.

1. The internet Gods have seen fit to grace this very small town in upstate New York with high-speed internet. And my parents for having the strength and forethought to install it so that I might come up here more often.
   
2. My friends and family. Edna Buchanan said "Friends are the family you choose." I have chosen very well if I do say so myself. If you can judge yourself by the company you keep, then this day I am truly thankful.
   

Hope everyone has a turkey coma.

A Day of Community Service

So today I spent time with my Little, Carlton. I think I've talked about him before. In case not, I do Big Brothers. I've been matched with Carlton for about 2.5 years. Yeah I know. He's 11. He has Asperger's, which most people now seem to know something about. It's a high functioning autism. So he's really into certain things like the commuter rail or TV. He is a marketer's dream. I had to eat at Dunkin Donuts for three months straight due to their dumb ass flatbread sandwich promotion. He's also not the best with the social cues and he gets distracted easily. This led to problems early on in the match when we would drive an hour to get somewhere, and he'd want to leave 10 minutes into it. It's gotten a little better.

I called him a few days ago and asked what he wanted to do. The conversation went something like this:
G: Hey Carlton, what do you want to do on Sunday? We could hit up the Museum of Science.
C: Umm. I don't know.
G: We could grab a movie also.
(Silence)
G: So...the museum? Or maybe bowling?
C: We've already gone bowling.
G: I know pal, but we've been together for two and a half years so there's a good chance we might be doing something more than once.
(Silence)
G: So we could do the museum? Maybe shoot pool?
C: Muuhfgdfgsdf
G: You want to shoot pool.
C: Yeah.
G: Great. See you at 1.

So I picked him up and asked where he wanted to go to eat. That's how I found myself at McDonald's in Somerville. We both got the #1, but he got the Large size. The Big Mac seemed to shrink as I got older. It wasn't that big in my hands. As a kid, that sandwich was huge. Now it seems like of small. There was a website on the side of the box where I found this gem. I like how the guy's not wearing gloves. Also, I'll trust Fast Food Nation over the website.

Following this, we went to play pool. There's the place in Somerville that's a throwback to the 50's. Sacco's Bowl Haven. Even the name is awesome. We strolled in there and started a game of pool. I brought my new Nikon to take photos. I was trying to show Carlton how to shoot pool. He was more interested in the camera. All I could think of was his french fried fingers all over the lens. As I predicted, he tired of pool about 8 minutes into the game. Good news is that the Bowl Haven will cut the hourly rate in half, if you happen to bring in a kid who can't concentrate on anything longer than a minute.

We grabbed a coffee and a hot chocolate. He put cream in his hot chocolate and I swear I could hear his arteries hardening. One day I have this fear that I'm going to be walking down the street and some guy is going to kick me in the groin. And as he's standing over me, rolling on the ground, he'll say "I'm Carlton's Primary Care Physician. What the hell were you thinking?" I'll just grimace and realize I deserved that.

Then we went to get my car washed. Not in the actual car wash where you put the vehicle in neutral and it automatically washes, waxes and dries. No, the kind with the bays and the high pressure hoses where you put the tokens in and do it yourself.

This seemed like a good idea.

It was about 28 degrees today. Carlton has this incredible ability to spray the water on me and not the car. And then he's yelling at me that we have 1 minute left and the car is still covered in soap. So I sprinted around the car trying to rinse it all off and the water cuts off just after I finish. I pry my frozen digits off the handle of the pressure washer and just sit in the car soaked, shivering and staring at my lifeless hands. He then wants to know where to next.

Then my friends we went to the library. I forgot how much I loved the library. Good books, quiet people reading, some smelly sleeping old people. But they have everything. I picked up 1776 and the Lonely Planet guide to Croatia. Libraries are indeed awesome places that are truly deserving of our tax dollars. It also enabled me to thaw out. Thank you Somerville Public Library.

And then I took Carlton home. 3.5 hours of concentrated mayhem. I love it. If you're interested at all, Big Brothers is always looking for Bigs. Check out this site. Big Brothers and Big Sisters

Just because you have the right....

Sweet Jesus.

Proving that while we all have the right to vote, perhaps some of us might want to read a damned pamphlet or something before heading down to the local polling place.

Not so bling

So on Friday I went to get some cash out of the machine and found that I only had around $205 dollars in my checking account, which when you add it to my savings means that I've got about $613. This means, that unlike the man pictured below, I am having some current liquidity issues.

My friends, I'm not broke. I am putting plenty of money away in the state's deferred comp plan which is good. Especially if you like flushing money down the drain. I swear that I'm going to open my statement from them one day soon and find a bill. I wonder if our fund manager has put all of our money into cash. Though knowing the state, it's probably in Zimbabwean Dollars, which the current rate is 1 USD to 22,410,101,039,302,100 ZWD. No joke. Look it up. Try and buy a candy bar there without an armored car. Impossible. How could you buy an armored car?
Wait for it....


I think I just blew your mind.

So I went to Costco this weekend to buy paper goods and razor blades and a Bond DVD. First of all, my shopping cart alone is probably 10 acres of rain forest. I felt really bad. But do you know how much razor blades cost? Yes, I have the Gillette Fusion. And yes, it's as good as the Mach 4, and yes that was just as fine as the Mach 3. But you try and find Mach 3 blades.

$40 for 16 blades? Are you kidding me? It's not like Heidi Klum is shaving me. Or as if each blade lasts for like 1 month. This my friends is known in business circles as "loss-leader" marketing. You sell the razor for cheap, knowing you're going to hose them on the blades. And it works like a charm. I also have come to loathe companies like HP who give away inkjet printers only to soak me on the ink. Some guy suggested buying razors on Ebay. And looking there, there do appear to be some deals, so maybe my cheap ass should check the internet more often.

Enjoy the holiday if you have it off tomorrow. Whether you do or don't, remember to thank a veteran, for doing what many of us are to chickenshit to do.

What President Obama will bring....

So with the election being over, and history being made, I found some videos that some of you may have seen. I saw the speech on Tuesday night and I will admit that there were some tears. I think the history of it, plus a speech that was poignant combined to make a powerful moment in history.

Now in this video, I'm sure the woman meant that with Obama in office, times will be better and and she will find it easier to pay her financial obligations. I'm sure however that conservatives, freshly stung from the McCain loss, might have a different view. I'm sure some of my friends are right now nodding and saying they knew it.

And this clip addresses that new outlook in a world with Obama, and the worst fears realized for the conservatives. Very well done. Enjoy the weekend people.

Get the latest news satire and funny videos at 236.com.

My Brain is Bleeding

I'm sitting in grad school class and I am secretly hoping someone bombs the building I'm in. This is the class where I get read to like a 5 year old. I find it easily worth 3 grand a class. On the upside, it's hot in here and I might fall asleep soon.

I like grad school. Or I did when I began 2.5 years ago. Full of vigor and energy. Wanted to shake my brain free of the cobwebs. (If I look up and stop typing every once in a while, the professor thinks I'm taking notes. HAAA!) It turns out there are probably more cobwebs in my brain now than there were.

Most of the people in this class are pretty good. However there are some who I think have no one to speak to all week long until they get to grad school. They just prattle on and on with little to nothing relevant to the class they are in. It's these kids that annoy me. Because they are mostly kids. Most adults here, and I'd put myself in that category, are paying for this course and as such have the decency to keep relevant comments on the table.

See there he is...the kid to the left of me keeps his hand raised for like 20 minutes. All social convention would tell you to lower your hand. But not this kid. Now he's prattling on about Republican government. And Congress. And Tom Delay. No one cares. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! I wish I could use my mind to make his head explode. Now he's quoting Farenheit 9/11. I think he probably talks to himself in the mirror a lot. Probably used to touch himself more than your average bear too.

I weep on the inside.

Lone Star Thoughts

So I recently returned from a week of training in College Station,Texas. It was really good training on incident management. I won't bore you with the details, but incident management is basically the system used since the 70's to control wildland fires in California. So when you visit Southern California and its not a pile of embers, you should thank the Incident Command System. If you want to bore the hell out of yourself, you can go here for more info.

Some thoughts:

• As I was driving to Logan Airport, I drove passed a billboard that I couldn't understand. WHOCANISUE? I didn't quite get it. Until I went to the website. WhoCanISue.com. How repelling is this concept? The website will allow you to plug in things that have happened and will then allow lawyers to call you who will offer to sue the crap out of anyone. Because remember, nothing is your fault. It's all the responsibility of someone else. And you can get money from them.
• The flight down was pretty uneventful. Except for the fact that I got to ride in one of these. This my friends is a Continental Saab 340. A 2 turboprop beauty that seats around 40 people. Quite uncomfortable and super loud.
• My first night down there I ate dinner at a place called Cheddar's. They had a chicken alfredo dish that was the size of my head for $5 bucks. Texas might be the only place where my salary is actually a living wage.
  
• As usual, the people I got meet down there were the best part of the trip. A fire chief from suburban Chicago, some awesome firefighters from Burbank, CA and a sheriff's deputy from a county in Ohio. Good times and good laughs, and a bunch of stand-up guys.
  
• We went out our final night to a bar called Dixie Chicken for food. Pitchers of beer were $5 and bottles were $2. It was the kind of place that had a sign proclaiming that fighting was punishable by a $300 fine. Oh yeah. We followed that with a trip to Hurricane Harry's, a country bar/club. This is where I saw the 2-step in full force. Hundreds of couples, in costume, dancing the 2-step. It was very different. Much slower than I'm used to.
  
• I met a woman whose leanings were so far right that she was almost left. Her husband was dressed as Obama Hood (Stealing from the rich and giving to the poor.) I enjoyed that were were different and could talk. Until she mentioned that she hated Fox News because it was too liberal. She wished it was 100% conservative as opposed to 97.5% I guess. I was pretty sure we had nothing to talk about after those words left her lips.
  

And now I'm back home in Beantown. Currently watching an awful movie called P2, which apparently exclusively takes place on the second level of a NYC office building parking garage. It immediately opened up with more plot holes than Howard the Duck. It pains me even to keep watching. This movie is awful.

It's like a Ukranian fighting cartoon

So I'm going to bed shortly, as I am tired and was feeling a little under the weather today. Though thanks to a colleague's grandson's 2nd birthday this past weekend there was a bunch of leftover food she brought in. Allow me to explain that free food or anything free to a state worker means we must have it. You could seriously leave a flaming bag of dog crap on the reception desk with a sign that said "FREE" and someone would take it home, burning all the way, and then step on it outside their door.

I was trolling Fark and came across this video gem. I'm sure this guy actually could kick my ass in a street fight. But something about his sound effects while doing the moves made me laugh so hard I was crying. Enjoy or don't, you humorless bastards.

Dear Colleague

I have learned over the few years I've been doing this that having a blog can be a dangerous thing. On the one hand, I want people to read it and enjoy it and feed the attention whore complex that all bloggers have. On the other, I don't want too many people to read it, as I never really take it seriously and enjoy the freedom to say things without the world and my employer going over it with a fine tooth comb. So I shy away from politics. Except for today.

If you don't live in Massachusetts, feel free to skip ahead to another blog or post on mine

On the ballot next month, in addition to choosing the next President, there will be 3 ballot questions. One of them deals with legalizing small amounts of marijuana. The other deals with banning greyhound racing, The third one would repeal the state income tax. I don't care if you want to smoke weed while sitting on a greyhound, but you can't vote to repeal the income tax.

A folk singer has championed this cause saying that not only will there be less government waste if this passes, but you will get around 1600 bucks. This was later proven to be around 800 bucks or possibly less if you're not a millionaire.

The state income tax currently makes up about 40% of the state's budget. And in that 40% is some stuff we can't not pay, like debt obligations and medicaid/medicare and pensions. So then you have a much smaller amount of money that you'd be able to cut totally. In return for 3 dollars a day in your pocket, you would get the privilege of standing in line at the Registry of Motor Vehicles for 5 hours because they're now only open 1 day a week. Or you could watch as your property tax goes through the roof to make up for the loss in income.

Let's be honest. If this passes, the Legislature is not just going to swallow it and not find cash elsewhere. The sales tax will go up, property tax will go up. Fees will increase, and services will decrease. I'll just come out and say it. If you vote to repeal the income tax in MA, you're a moron. And I'm not saying this as a state worker fearing for his job. I'm saying this as a guy who has a base understanding of public finance and is getting his MPA. It doesn't make sense.

I'm getting high with the greyhounds if this thing passes. And if you think it won't, just read the comments section in the Herald. These people think this is a good idea to clean up waste. I weep for the future. Vote No on 1.

The Joys of Cooking

So this past weekend, I got to sample some of my Mom's cooking for Columbus Day Weekend which inspired me to cook some more in the kitchen. I would have taken video, but the camera kind of died, so no bueno.

Tonight I went to the grocery store and got the ingredients for Smoky Chipotle and Cheddar Mac. The recipe is from here. It seemed easy and so I made it, even though it was on Rachel Ray's show.

Verdict: Christ it took a long time. I had three separate pots going. I was shredding cheese and chopping onion and watching pasta and chorizo. It was exhausting. In the end, I have a crap load of pasta. The sauce is a little watery. I don't have enough cooking knowledge to know how that happened. I think it should have been thicker. Maybe I needed to use more hips when I was making it. No clue.

I'll be eating this for the next 4 days. Which is good as my routine 30K service at the Toyota dealer cost around 600 beans. No wonder Toyotas never need work done. None of the owners bring them in. Just when I think I'm saving a little...they pull me back in.

This is what breaks your heart

So last Wednesday in New York City, an EDP, job parlance for an Emotionally Disturbed Person, was out on the second floor of a building in Brooklyn, naked and swinging a florescent light tube at cops. Before you start getting funny about how harmless a light bulb can be, those guys aren't paid to get hit with light bulbs. The decision was made to hit him with the Taser, which shoots small barbs that can transmit electricity. The guy fell 10 feet, landed on his head, and died. A fluke.

The city came out immediately against the situation and the Lt. in charge was stripped of his gun and shield, which is perhaps the lowest point you can get to as a cop. And so it brought me incredible sadness to read this.

Police Lieutenant in Taser Case Commits Suicide

Just so you know there will be no department funeral for this man. He could have saved hundreds of lives over his 20 plus years on the job, but the city looks the other way with suicides. They're dirty and not to be spoken of. He wrote a note that said that he wanted his kids to be proud of him and not see him in handcuffs. We had an officer kill himself with his firearm in my precinct. There was no procession of motorcycles or thousands of cops to send him off. We had the 130 guys we worked with, his family, and one helicopter that our boss was able to get because he was head of the Emerald Society.

This is a huge issue. It hit a head in the NYPD in 1995, when 2 officers were killed in the line of duty and 15 committed suicide. I'll get off my soap box. I'll just say tonight to the family of Lieutenant Mike Pigott, I extend my sympathies and condolences. Your kids should be very proud of you, and a city should be thankful and sorrowful. Rest easy.

Sprinting by Little Roundtop

If you only have 4 minutes to learn about the battles of the Civil War, you are so damned lucky I found this.

Thank me later.

Nice knockers. Why sank you, Doctor!

I went this morning to Mass General to get checked out and I got my mammogram. Well, both sides so I'm not sure if that counts for two. At any rate, there's no cancer. Or anything troubling. That's good. And even though this blog is rarely serious, it was sobering sitting in a living room filled with women, some of whom were there to get treatments for the breast cancer they currently had.

The mammogram: Brothers, if you ever have one of these, just know one thing. It hurts more than it does for women. I know you're thinking "But they have bigger breasts, most times!" And this is true. The machine squeezes your breast to get the image and that isn't comfortable. But what's downright painful is the chest hair issue. I don't have to shave my back or anything, but I have chest hair, and apparently hair is the enemy of clean images. So the tech kept moving it out of the way of the glass to perfect the image. This took a little while and she was wearing latex gloves and it felt like she was ripping them out one at a time. But it was done soon enough and I was off to see the doctor.

The consult: The resident came in to see me and told me it was probably gynocomastia, which is apparently the default diagnosis if you don't have anything but can sometimes feel things. This can be caused by a lot of things and isn't bad, unless you get a severe case and then you grow breasts like Bob in Fight Club. Rest assured my devoted audience, I'm not growing breasts. Though the pamphlet the doctor gave me is titled Gynecomastia: When Breasts form in Males, which I thought was probably the funniest title for a health pamphlet I'd ever heard of. You can read that thrilling article here. She also said it could be caused by gonadal injury and asked if in the last year I'd had severe trauma to my testicles. I had to answer no to that one also.

So feel free to e-mail if you have any questions. It turns out most of my female friends hadn't had a mammogram yet either. So I'm really a cross-gender pioneer.

This life will be a long 15 minutes it seems.

So yesterday, unbeknownst to most of my normal readers, my post about the mammogram was picked up by UniversalHub, which is a Boston site that trolls blogs looking for interesting stuff. They apparently liked my line about bringing a toolbelt to the doctor's office. So I went up on their site. Then Boston.com, the homepage of the Boston Globe picked it up from them and my excerpt was at the bottom right of the homepage.

My hitcount looks like this:
Sunday: 15
Monday: 445
Tuesday: 37

I had a minor heart attack when I saw that there were all these random people reading the blog as I wondered just what I've talked about the last year or two. That's the strange thing about this blog I guess. So for those of you who came back looking for insightful humor, move along. Nothing to see here. I will post an update after my boob gets squished on Friday.

Have a good night party peoples.

I'm a breast man

So I went to my doctor for the annual/every so often physical We're talking and doing the normal exam, and then she starts touching my chest. I'm used to this from the ladies. She says she feels it feels ropey. I have no idea how I spell that word. I was shocked she didn't say it felt like cottage cheese and peanut butter. I'll take ropey anyday. I should mention that my doctor works in a womens health practice. Which means that there are all women doctors, but there's only 15% male patients. So the waiting room magazines suck.

So she want to refer me to a breast specialist and she tells me that I will be the only guy in that waiting room. I'm thinking of wearing a toolbelt and pretending to fix one of the heat ducts until I'm called. So I got called and on Friday I have a mammogram. I should tell those concerned readers that my doctor is super cautious and I figure if it's only another $15 dollar copay, why not. The stories alone will be worth it. And male breast cancer is really rare. Almost as rare as the Patriots going to the Super Bowl behind Matt Cassel.

So apparently they squeeze your boobs for the x-ray. Dear reader, I am not Michael Phelps, but I'm not like the guy in the photo up top either. There's not a whole lot of boobs to squeeze. I have no idea how they're going to do it. Stay tuned for the updates. My family has been kind enough to give me some awesome stuff, like shelter, food, and a history of cancer, so I have to be a little careful.

Hope everyone had a great weekend. Have I told people not to go to grad school? If not, then don't. At least not part-time.

The Thank you Card my bro sent me

Thanks bro.

Lessons for the Kids in the Sticks

So I'm watching TV and there's a commercial for a Pizza Hut product called the P'zone. The website for this awfulness is located here. They also have this video of the P'Zone eating contest. My favorite parts of the video are the announcing by International Federation of Competitive Eating (IFOCE) President Richard Shea who always wears a straw boater, and the moron from Pizza Hut trying to explain what a P'Zone is.


Listen up and listen good. If you're buying this, it means you aren't in a city nor do you live anywhere near a pizza place. If you did, then you would buy a calzone. Not only would you be getting something homemade, but you'd be helping out local business. Never mind the fact that any decent Italian would never be caught dead ordering anything called a P'Zone. Or bringing Momma from the old country to Olive Garden. Or be caught saying that Godfather Part 3 should ever have been made. Don't encourage these people.

Personally I prefer a good stromboli, but that's just me.

All Gave Some. Some Gave Soup.

Quite touching. I hope Montu had nothing to do with this.


Thanks to the Consumerist for this find.

Never forgotten