Cluck Cluck

I wish this were a real movie. Sadly I fear it is not.

Sickness and Comcast

I think my title may make for a great book title someday. It was meant to highlight the disappearance of your favorite blog author. No, me. I'm currently fighting a cold. Well, not so much fighting, as watching it move from my head and settle quite happily in my chest. Awesome. Then the internet and cable went out in my house for a week. I called right away, but much like UPS, they fail to deliver or arrive when working human beings are home. They offered me a 11-1 appointment the next day. Riiight, because we all work next door to our house.

Anyway, I loathe Comcast. Perhaps not so much as the guy that set up this website, but I really don't like them.


So let me explain what has probably happened to you if your cable and internet go out at the same time. This has happened to me twice with these boobs, so I am a quasi-expert on this.

You probably think that your cable comes in from the street to that box under your TV and that's where the problems lie. False. In fact your cable starts on a pole on in a junction box in your apartment. Each apartment has it's own wire going to the mother cable source. These wires are labeled with your apartment on it. Over time the labels can fall off or a person who knows the system and wants to get free cable can just rip off the tags to confuse the Comcast tech.

The tech is not confused. Well, no more than Frankenstein was by fire in Young Frankenstein. They simply pull all the wires out. But you're asking, "Doesn't that mean everyone's cable goes out?" Yes. Yes it does.

Then I call Comcast to report a loss of all services and they see that I'm a paying customer and send out a tech to reattach the wires and label mine. The guy who was stealing obviously isn't going to call, so that's how they weed out the problem. Comcast calls it "Disconnect in Error." I call it "Disconnect on Purpose." The tech who came to fix it is like, "You should have told them this was a Disconnect in Error. I'm on call until 10PM, and I would have come out that night."

Then I saw red. See Comcast is smart. They have insane policies and moronic customer service, but it's never the person who you're talking to's fault. The poor tech bears most of the anger, but it's not his fault he works for a souless awful company.

I do have an idea Comcast on a revenue generator. What if you charged people $25 extra to come when normal people were home? I'd pay $25 for them to come from 7-10PM easy. I bet others would too. This is a slam dunk and if you're listening Comcast, I want a piece of this action.

Miller Time!

So I'm in Milwaukee visiting some terrific friends, Tom and Megan. I've been joined here by two other pals from college as well. So today, after a late start, had a great brunch and then took the Miller Brewery tour. The end of the tour brings beer samples and a comment questionnaire. Tom had a few suggestions. My two favorites were:

• Allow beer to be drank on the tour
• Make better beer

A Magical Place

So this past weekend, or long weekend, I went down to Walt Disney World with one of my oldest friends and her family. The last time I was at WDW was with these same kind folks, except it was during Hurricane Katrina and they're from New Orleans which means it wasn't that much fun towards the end of that trip. I have collected some thoughts about this place from my weekend and will share them with you:

• The flight to Orlando from anywhere is always filled with kids who are so excited. Our plane had just taken off from Boston and the runway was falling away underneath us and one kid points to South Boston and asks his Mom, "Is that Orlando?" Cute in one way, but not in a "your kid eats paste sort of way." These same kids are generally pretty quiet on the flight back. If not, that's why God invented these. (Thank you Santa)
• Disney has this thing called Magical Express. In short, they send you luggage tags for your checked baggage. You check in with them at Orlando International when you arrive and magic gnomes whisk your luggage from the carousel and drop them in your room. All pretty cool, unless your tags don't arrive on time. Not a huge deal, but I waited through this long line and told the "cast member" this and she smiled and said "Hakuna Matata." Then I punched her. Not really, but that crap might work on 11 year olds, but not on this guy who wants to make sure his bag isn't stolen.
  
• We stayed at The Boardwalk Inn. Which faithfully recreates a Jersey Shore town in the 40's. It's cool because it has a few token businesses along the Boardwalk, like a bakery, pizza place, piano bar etc. I sort of wish it captured the Shore era from the 70's and 80s. They could have real life junkies hanging out underneath the boardwalk, fighting seagulls for leftover pretzels.
• There are a lot of fat people at WDW. But the most sedentary of the bunch, choose to rent a motorized scooter. Because God forbid you lose weight walking. It's quite the site seeing couples driving down the paths in these things. Like a sad, slower CHiPs for large people. My favorites were the ones with the awnings. I was amazed at how quickly people would alight from these things when they needed to get in line for a ride, or get a beer or an ice cream cone that looks like Mickey.
• There appears to be some compulsion to wear branded Disney clothes. Every other person had on something made in China with Disney's logo on it. And not just mouse ears. No, fake hockey jerseys, designer looking T-shirts, sweatshirts and leather bomber jackets. I mean you're at the godddamn park? Why the hell do you feel the need to wear their stuff? It reminds me of the people who would come to New York and buy some shirt that says "Bada Bing" on it from Little Italy in rhinestones. While, if they wanted to appear cool and with it, they could buy something unique that says more than simply the name of the place they have visited. I like this option myself.
• You should do the World of Beers tour at Epcot. There are 11 separate countries represented around a lake and you can stroll around and drink a native beer in each of them. Realize that as you get older, these countries seem much closer together. Take it from me. I respectfully submit that if you chose to do this, start in Norway or France and make your way around. It's fun to end up in England. And if you start in Norway, you get to wear of these official hats.

I'll have some more Disney Observations soon. If you're drinking, tip a glass to Millard Fuller, founder of Habitat for Humanity who died today at 74.

For my brother

And all those others that follow the Big Blue Wrecking Crew. Observe one of your tribe....

His ramblings are NSFW, so turn the volume down on the speakers in your cube, y'all.



J-E-T-S.

Yeah, I know our QB is 87. What.

The Good with the Bad

Do see Slumdog Millionaire at your earliest convenience. It was a great melding of romance, comedy, documentary, and mystery. Really solid stuff. This should be the winner for the Oscars. The Reader? Seriously?

Maybe see Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay if you feel there were a lot of unanswered questions from the original, or you want to see the same jokes again, or you want more NPH. Warning: Rob Cordury's shtick gets really old really fast.

That movie did get me laughing about how DHS is portrayed in the movies and TV. People throw the words Homeland Security around like it's some bunch of super cops, or CTU from 24. If someone from DHS ever did screech up in a blacked out Crown Victoria, I'd expect some guy to get out with grant guidance in his hands to tell me that the pen I was using wasn't an allowable expense. Really. DHS is no more than the sum of it's parts.

Though there was a former state worker who had delusions of grandeur while working for DHS at National Airport in D.C. That got settled with him losing his job. Don't worry. We're all safer for it. Trust me. I miss that guy, if only because he made me look so damn good.

Bundle Up Obama

As tomorrow is the inauguration of Barack Obama as our nation's 44 President, let us hope that his time in office lasts longer than William Henry Harrison, our 9th President.

Here to tell this man's sad story is a very drunk grad student.

If you've never seen these, they are highly entertaining and perhaps what Al Gore invented the internet for.

We are getting dumber

So I was flipping through the channels tonight, and stopped at the local Fox affiliate. They had a show on called Hole in the Wall. Basic Premise: You stand in front of a small swimming pool of water. A styrofoam wall comes at you, designed to push you into said pool. But there is a sillouette cut into the styrofoam meaning if you match it's shape, you don't go in the drink. I'm assuming if you stay dry you win some cash, but I didn't stay on the channel that long.

I was waiting to see if there was a catch. But no. I hate this show. We are going further and further towards reality shows and "wild" game shows. I don't mind the game shows. As a matter of fact, I think Japan has some awesome ones. But they are generally too risque for us across the Pacific. We prefer to show the world how dumb we are.

Yech....

So...

I had planned to write many entries in the New Year. But then the days flew by and someone stabbed me in the back with a screwdriver.

Not entirely true, but that's what it felt like. I've had this dull pain in my back for a few weeks, maybe a month. It was the kind of pain you think will be cleared up by a masseuse at some point. But then on Wednesday, while teaching a class on Martha's Vineyard something bad happened. It felt like I was getting shanked. I found my knees actually buckling from the pain. So I put the class on break and told my co-instructor I needed to go to the hospital.

So I went to MVY Hospital, which is quite small and cute. I was seen quickly and given an injection in my ass for an anti-inflammatory and 2 scrips for ibuprophen and a muscle relaxant. I took the last two days out sick, and the instances of the lower right corner of my back have lessened. But I still get them and man to they hurt. I'm too young for back pain. If this doesn't clear up by Monday, I'll have to ask my doctor for the good stuff.

Willie Sutton would laugh

So today 5 banks were robbed in NYC, prompting news articles and even a piece on NPR's All Things Considered. The media is pointing fingers to the economy and the lost jobs around the holidays. 5 banks is surely the sign of financial meltdown, or the sinister return of high crime numbers to plague Gotham.

Bullshit.

There is a reason why people should not fear a return to lawlessness with an uptick in bank robberies nationwide (Up 54% in New York City this year.) Because my friends robbing a bank in the City of New York is easier than robbing a pizza place on the corner. I don't want to give away trade secrets, but here are the items needed to rob a bank in the early 1900's:

• Revolver
• Mask (Preferably Lone Ranger Style)
• Dynamite for safe
• Multiple accomplices to watch people/guards (Preferably dim witted family)
• Horse

Items needed in 2008?

• Ballpoint Pen
• Something to write on with above pen
• Baseball Hat
• Sunglasses
• Metrocard

These are all "note jobs", which means perp walks into bank and scrawls "Give me UR $$, I hav a bumb" on a deposit envelope and a smiling woman behind counter hands him money. Sometimes it's not a lot (couple hundred) and sometimes it is (couple thousand). But how can the perp be angry. He just used a pen to defeat bulletproof glass. Because friends, the banks happily give up the cash as it's insured by the Feds. So to them, they would rather lose $1,000 than have their guard tackle the guy, sprain his ankle and have the perp sue for $1 million dollars.

But try doing this at your local pizza joint. Walk up to the counter and smile at Sal and give him a note that says "Give me al UR pizzas!" and see what happens. Either:

a) You get your ass beat
b) You get laughed at and then realizing you are serious, see above step

So this isn't another sign of financial armageddon. This is business. And the only people hurt by this is the Precinct C.O. who is being held accountable for an extra robbery in his/her precinct than no one else seems to care about.

Long December

To borrow from the Counting Crows, it has indeed been a long December. I had planned more blogging, but this happened. That storm brought 13 hour days on the night shift for about a week. Followed by damage assessments in communities that I had talked to on the phone but never been to.

Then I flew down to NYC to be with the family for the holidays. I also wanted a week off. This is my first week off this year, so it's nice. And so, I present some holiday thoughts from New York City.

• My friend Sam made the observation that NYC has plenty of 2 groups of people. First there is incredibly hot women. Now women of Boston don't pout. I personally feel that the women in Boston are beautiful. However walking down Columbus Ave. yesterday I saw more model-like and statuesque women in ten blocks than I had all year prior. The second group is bat-shit crazy people. Like the guy smoking on the subway and talking to himself. You just don't see that in Boston. Totally insane people mixing with the general population so well.
  
• I stood on line at the Borders in Columbus Circle yesterday for about an hour. The line winded around the store. No joke. This didn't tell me that our economy is back on track, but instead that New Yorkers are complete procrastinators. I don't think people waited that long to cross the Berlin Wall when it fell. Dumb long.
• I also realized why people come to this city and flock to Applebee's and Olive Garden. I'll admit I used to see this place packed and think, "Are you people idiots? There's far better Italian food 3 blocks west. " But then I realized that NYC can be a hard place to be an outsider, even sometimes a visitor. Passing all of these small restaurants in the city, you can feel like this guy, standing outside the window. To tourists, even being in New York is the adventure. Meaning that after an exhausting day of jostling and seeing more police cars than exist in their entire state, they look for something a little more comfortable, safe and familiar. Enter the always packed Olive Garden in Times Square.
  

Merry Christmas to all of you. And sorry for the intermittent posting for this month.

Like a Needle in my Brain

So on the way to work every morning I listen to Morning Edition on NPR. It's got really good coverage. My friend Chuck thinks it's communist radio, and while I will agree that it might be a little left, you can't get more interesting stories in the morning. Also, they have the BBC News on at 9, which is great. They apparently believe in covering news, while our networks have scavenenged our news divisions in the name of entertainment.

However, every 5 months or so, comes an evil time on NPR. Pledge Week. It seems on WBUR that it's been going on for 2 weeks. NPR pledge week is the 6th circle of hell for two reasons. First it interupts the programming. Just when you get into a story, they break and start asking for $$ again. It's disruptive. Secondly, and most importantly, they are awful at it. They seem to guilt you into giving. They talk about how much it costs, but never about how much they want to raise. (I know this is against fundraising mantra.) Also, they banter in small talk, off script, and many of them aren't good at it. They end up saying the same things over and over, which means you have to change the station.

Here's the thing. I gave $100 last drive. I'm all set. So why force me to endure this brain melting tripe. What if they could unlock my radio if I gave, and return me to the programming? Think about it. If you give $50, you buy out of the current pledge week and back to normal NPR. You give $100, you buy out of it for a year. They would make so much money, they could sleep on it. Or use it to wallpaper the studios. I think I'm onto something. Maybe with HD Radio, they could do it. If they can put peanut butter and jelly in the same jar, why the hell we do this?

Looking for that special someone?

It's the holidays, as if the music and the smell of fear from the retailers didn't give it away. And I know many people are thinking of tightening the old purse strings and giving less gifts. I can understand that. However, some of you might be unable to do that because of psycho girlfriends or blood oaths sworn to extended family members by your ancestors on the top of a mountain in the 1300's.

For those of you looking to pick up a little gift, the Mass Turnpike has an idea:


This is a gift certificate to the Mass Pike. I, for the life of me, can't understand who would buy one of these. I saw them advertised on the variable message boards on the way home and thought, "What a terrible gift." I don't mean that people wouldn't like some toll relief, especially as this news breaks. But imagine the look on your loved one's face, when they tear open that envelope to find a MassPike gift certificate. Nothing says "I totally forgot about Christmas because I've been drinking for the past week, and so I pulled into the Natick travel plaza and bought this thing from the FastLane Office."

Remember, shopping is what civilians can do to save the economy and fight the terrorists.

I'm just doing the neutron dance

So I was in sunny Buffalo, NY this past Saturday for my good friend's wedding. If you are unfamiliar with the City of Buffalo, here is the highlight reel:

• Second largest city in New York.
  
• Had a population of around 580,000 people in 1950
• Currently has a population of around 270,000.
  
• The city got screwed when they routed the St. Lawrence Seaway around it, thus cutting it out of the commercial traffic.

Buffalo is like the Detroit of the Northeast. I am staying at the Hyatt, which is the largest hotel in the city. It's a little long in the tooth, and in their defense they are starting a guest room renovation campaign. But the hotel doesn't have to, nor does it, try that hard. The Pittsburgh Penguins stayed here last night. Fox Sports is here for the Bills game tomorrow. They basically have the market as no other major chain is going to build a new large hotel here with the amenities.

I'm currently paying 12 bucks for a sandwich at the hotel bar, which annoys me being that I'm frugal. On the upside, it's Beef on Weck, which is a Buffalo specialty. The bread is kimmelweck, a German bread that has salt on it and is quite tasty. So I take solace in the fact that's it is a good sandwich.

You might be asking yourself, "Why the hell are you eating in the hotel bar? Go out and help the local economy. I was an urban studies major in college, so I believe deeply in helping urban centers. However, when I walk outside the hotel this is what I see:This is Main St. They apparently closed it to vehicular traffic years ago and installed a light rail. This is a decent idea when you have a really bustling downtown and parking is an issue. In Buffalo however, parking is not an issue. And as the City of Poughkeepsie found out, when you have a pedestrian mall that is sparsely visited, people stay away. A lack of people on the streets doesn't seem safe to most people. There are studies done that show the greater proximity you are to other people, even if they're strangers, the safer you feel. As evidenced by the photo, it looks post-apocalyptic.

I will post more photos in a little bit

Thanks

So this Thanksgiving, I am giving thanks for two things.

1. The internet Gods have seen fit to grace this very small town in upstate New York with high-speed internet. And my parents for having the strength and forethought to install it so that I might come up here more often.
   
2. My friends and family. Edna Buchanan said "Friends are the family you choose." I have chosen very well if I do say so myself. If you can judge yourself by the company you keep, then this day I am truly thankful.
   

Hope everyone has a turkey coma.

A Day of Community Service

So today I spent time with my Little, Carlton. I think I've talked about him before. In case not, I do Big Brothers. I've been matched with Carlton for about 2.5 years. Yeah I know. He's 11. He has Asperger's, which most people now seem to know something about. It's a high functioning autism. So he's really into certain things like the commuter rail or TV. He is a marketer's dream. I had to eat at Dunkin Donuts for three months straight due to their dumb ass flatbread sandwich promotion. He's also not the best with the social cues and he gets distracted easily. This led to problems early on in the match when we would drive an hour to get somewhere, and he'd want to leave 10 minutes into it. It's gotten a little better.

I called him a few days ago and asked what he wanted to do. The conversation went something like this:
G: Hey Carlton, what do you want to do on Sunday? We could hit up the Museum of Science.
C: Umm. I don't know.
G: We could grab a movie also.
(Silence)
G: So...the museum? Or maybe bowling?
C: We've already gone bowling.
G: I know pal, but we've been together for two and a half years so there's a good chance we might be doing something more than once.
(Silence)
G: So we could do the museum? Maybe shoot pool?
C: Muuhfgdfgsdf
G: You want to shoot pool.
C: Yeah.
G: Great. See you at 1.

So I picked him up and asked where he wanted to go to eat. That's how I found myself at McDonald's in Somerville. We both got the #1, but he got the Large size. The Big Mac seemed to shrink as I got older. It wasn't that big in my hands. As a kid, that sandwich was huge. Now it seems like of small. There was a website on the side of the box where I found this gem. I like how the guy's not wearing gloves. Also, I'll trust Fast Food Nation over the website.

Following this, we went to play pool. There's the place in Somerville that's a throwback to the 50's. Sacco's Bowl Haven. Even the name is awesome. We strolled in there and started a game of pool. I brought my new Nikon to take photos. I was trying to show Carlton how to shoot pool. He was more interested in the camera. All I could think of was his french fried fingers all over the lens. As I predicted, he tired of pool about 8 minutes into the game. Good news is that the Bowl Haven will cut the hourly rate in half, if you happen to bring in a kid who can't concentrate on anything longer than a minute.

We grabbed a coffee and a hot chocolate. He put cream in his hot chocolate and I swear I could hear his arteries hardening. One day I have this fear that I'm going to be walking down the street and some guy is going to kick me in the groin. And as he's standing over me, rolling on the ground, he'll say "I'm Carlton's Primary Care Physician. What the hell were you thinking?" I'll just grimace and realize I deserved that.

Then we went to get my car washed. Not in the actual car wash where you put the vehicle in neutral and it automatically washes, waxes and dries. No, the kind with the bays and the high pressure hoses where you put the tokens in and do it yourself.

This seemed like a good idea.

It was about 28 degrees today. Carlton has this incredible ability to spray the water on me and not the car. And then he's yelling at me that we have 1 minute left and the car is still covered in soap. So I sprinted around the car trying to rinse it all off and the water cuts off just after I finish. I pry my frozen digits off the handle of the pressure washer and just sit in the car soaked, shivering and staring at my lifeless hands. He then wants to know where to next.

Then my friends we went to the library. I forgot how much I loved the library. Good books, quiet people reading, some smelly sleeping old people. But they have everything. I picked up 1776 and the Lonely Planet guide to Croatia. Libraries are indeed awesome places that are truly deserving of our tax dollars. It also enabled me to thaw out. Thank you Somerville Public Library.

And then I took Carlton home. 3.5 hours of concentrated mayhem. I love it. If you're interested at all, Big Brothers is always looking for Bigs. Check out this site. Big Brothers and Big Sisters

Just because you have the right....

Sweet Jesus.

Proving that while we all have the right to vote, perhaps some of us might want to read a damned pamphlet or something before heading down to the local polling place.

Not so bling

So on Friday I went to get some cash out of the machine and found that I only had around $205 dollars in my checking account, which when you add it to my savings means that I've got about $613. This means, that unlike the man pictured below, I am having some current liquidity issues.

My friends, I'm not broke. I am putting plenty of money away in the state's deferred comp plan which is good. Especially if you like flushing money down the drain. I swear that I'm going to open my statement from them one day soon and find a bill. I wonder if our fund manager has put all of our money into cash. Though knowing the state, it's probably in Zimbabwean Dollars, which the current rate is 1 USD to 22,410,101,039,302,100 ZWD. No joke. Look it up. Try and buy a candy bar there without an armored car. Impossible. How could you buy an armored car?
Wait for it....


I think I just blew your mind.

So I went to Costco this weekend to buy paper goods and razor blades and a Bond DVD. First of all, my shopping cart alone is probably 10 acres of rain forest. I felt really bad. But do you know how much razor blades cost? Yes, I have the Gillette Fusion. And yes, it's as good as the Mach 4, and yes that was just as fine as the Mach 3. But you try and find Mach 3 blades.

$40 for 16 blades? Are you kidding me? It's not like Heidi Klum is shaving me. Or as if each blade lasts for like 1 month. This my friends is known in business circles as "loss-leader" marketing. You sell the razor for cheap, knowing you're going to hose them on the blades. And it works like a charm. I also have come to loathe companies like HP who give away inkjet printers only to soak me on the ink. Some guy suggested buying razors on Ebay. And looking there, there do appear to be some deals, so maybe my cheap ass should check the internet more often.

Enjoy the holiday if you have it off tomorrow. Whether you do or don't, remember to thank a veteran, for doing what many of us are to chickenshit to do.

What President Obama will bring....

So with the election being over, and history being made, I found some videos that some of you may have seen. I saw the speech on Tuesday night and I will admit that there were some tears. I think the history of it, plus a speech that was poignant combined to make a powerful moment in history.

Now in this video, I'm sure the woman meant that with Obama in office, times will be better and and she will find it easier to pay her financial obligations. I'm sure however that conservatives, freshly stung from the McCain loss, might have a different view. I'm sure some of my friends are right now nodding and saying they knew it.

And this clip addresses that new outlook in a world with Obama, and the worst fears realized for the conservatives. Very well done. Enjoy the weekend people.

Get the latest news satire and funny videos at 236.com.

My Brain is Bleeding

I'm sitting in grad school class and I am secretly hoping someone bombs the building I'm in. This is the class where I get read to like a 5 year old. I find it easily worth 3 grand a class. On the upside, it's hot in here and I might fall asleep soon.

I like grad school. Or I did when I began 2.5 years ago. Full of vigor and energy. Wanted to shake my brain free of the cobwebs. (If I look up and stop typing every once in a while, the professor thinks I'm taking notes. HAAA!) It turns out there are probably more cobwebs in my brain now than there were.

Most of the people in this class are pretty good. However there are some who I think have no one to speak to all week long until they get to grad school. They just prattle on and on with little to nothing relevant to the class they are in. It's these kids that annoy me. Because they are mostly kids. Most adults here, and I'd put myself in that category, are paying for this course and as such have the decency to keep relevant comments on the table.

See there he is...the kid to the left of me keeps his hand raised for like 20 minutes. All social convention would tell you to lower your hand. But not this kid. Now he's prattling on about Republican government. And Congress. And Tom Delay. No one cares. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! I wish I could use my mind to make his head explode. Now he's quoting Farenheit 9/11. I think he probably talks to himself in the mirror a lot. Probably used to touch himself more than your average bear too.

I weep on the inside.