Thursday, April 28, 2011

Things I Hate Edition: Number 312

This, dear readers, is the 4 door Wrangler.  It was introduced in 2007 and already makes up 60% of all Wranglers.  The Wrangler as many of you know is the vehicle of the young and male and white.  Or female lacrosse players, my empirical evidence shows.  My Dad had one in 1994, that I used to drive.  It was a stick shift that was loud and got terrible gas mileage.  But you could take the top off and drive up and down the main drag until someone noticed you.  Usually it was my Dad who noticed that I was wasting gas. 

For years, seeing a Wrangler in your rear-view mirror meant you should pull over.  Not because the vehicle demanded respect, but because the driver was clearly an 18 year old hopped up on Mountain Dew and Accutane and would probably ram into the back of you and not even notice. 

There are two rules with the Wrangler: 
  1. You need to get a stick shift.  Period.  It's a Jeep, descendant from the original workhorse of World War 2.  If you need an automatic, you should get a crossover with blue tooth built in.  The jeep is meant to go off the road, even if you never let it.  And automatics don't do serious four wheeling.
  2. Never get a four door Jeep.  Listen, if you're getting a 4 door Jeep it's for a couple of reasons.  You either have a bunch of friends, or you have a family.  If you have a bunch of friends, tell them to pile their fat asses in the back.  If you were a real Jeep owner, you'd have the top down and they'd be climbing over the tire anyway.  
If you own a family, you need to give it up man.  Yes, you had a Jeep in high school/college/the military, but now you're older and fatter.  And you can't recapture that youth.  Not by buying a vehicle you once had and putting a car seat in the back.  You are a sellout.  If you want a Jeep, have two cars.  The minivan/station wagon that you need to carry around your snowflake, and the Jeep that gets muddy and has knobby tires.  But stop disgracing a vehicle with a proud long history of utility and power. 

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