Sunday, March 30, 2008

Turn Alone into Opportunity

So I was walking back from dinner tonight and had a brilliant idea.

It started a week ago when two things happened. My Mom asked me "was there anyone special I'd like to bring to Easter dinner?" That answer was no. And I got a wedding invitation and my friend Mikie asked if I had gotten a Plus 1. And I replied that I didn't think so, but it didn't matter because I wouldn't have brought someone anyway.

So does everyone know how emissions trading works? Basically two companies purchase permits to pollute and one needs to be able to pollute more, while the other doesn't, so they trade the credits to make it all equal. There's a much less awful explanation here. But I have come up with a new idea.

Plus 1 Trading

Think about it. A plus one is basically a nod that says "You're so close to me, you can bring anyone you damn well please." The invite for just you solo says either this wedding is really small or we're not that close, dog. So being a handsome likeable guy, I get a bunch of invitations with a +1. However, also being that I'm apparently incapable of a relationship of any length, they often go to waste. In my scenario everyone wins.

See, the people getting married don't really care if their good friends finds some nice girl to bring. He's probably going to just hit on the bridesmaids anyway. But they wanted to give him the +1 because they like him and hope he one day finds someone nice. But they have a cap of 150 people and to be honest they really don't care who comes with who, as long as they're under the cap.

So, how it would work, would be through a website. You know how you go to the Bridal Registry page on Target or Macy's? Well there would be a site called Wedding+1.com. And you look up the wedding you're going to. As the emotional cripple who can never find anyone, you put your +1 up for sale. And the dashing good looking guy who's a dick, but finds girls that like him, manages to score his latest piece of arm candy an invite.

I think the rules would be:

Cash Bar

Hot Asshole buys drinks all night for Emotional Cripple and takes care of cab ride back to hotel. If there is doubt about whether Hot Asshole is complete asshole, then you work out a system with drink tickets at the start of the night to insure that dude doesn't go missing while you're parched.

Open Bar

Here is the genius. For the weddings with open bar or for those weddings where scoring a +1 is almost impossible, like the Obama-Clinton second wedding, we go to the Single Guy Registry. And it is exactly what it sounds like. A list of items that you decide you want to fill up your single guy homestead. You put up your +1 for items such as:
  • Neon Beer Sign
  • Foosball Table
  • Velvet Painting of Dogs Playing Poker
  • Kegerator
  • Premium Adult Movies
  • And on and on and on
To be honest, I think this is brilliance. Everyone leaves happy. Sure, I'd still be no closer to a girlfriend, but I'd be able to think about how to get one while playing on my new pool table. I'm sure pulling a cold beer out of a free kegerator might go a little ways to ease my pains.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Grammy -

If I ever get hitched, you, my friend, are getting a plus TWO.

- Conor

Anonymous said...

That is absolutely hilarious Bro! I stand behind you 100%. -RMC

Tory Davis said...

Cracker, when I get hitched (and it's looking more and more imminent, yikes!) I may even FIND you a foxy +1.
Actually, maybe that's a service the bride and groom should provide for their single friends?
Why not assign people dates for the evening? Then there's no ambiguity about the number of chicken dinners, there's not much pressure on the two singletons ("hey, we didn't pick each other"), and who knows? Maybe everyone gets some action that night~ how sweet would that be?
In completely unrelated news, you should check out my blog! I have a cooking video up that *might* be as cool as yours :)

ML said...

Genius. Single guy registry is the best idea I've ever heard ever.

Tom said...

How many +1 is this bad boy worth to you:
The Gamerator

The People's Bear said...

you're weird. and i'm not sure i get this whole trading system.