The cold has arrived

Yes superfans,

I have a cold which means that I am spending waaay too much money at CVS on cold remedies that don't work. My cholesterol test came back and I'm looking good there. This seems like it can't be right. But I'm not going to jinx it.

I took the day sick today thinking I'd rest up and get some grad school work done. But then I slept for 12 hours and shot that plan in the foot. So I should be back to work tomorrow. The terrorists will no doubt have noticed I wasn't at my desk today and feel that we are weak. I will foil them.

And to the people to Boston, I'm sorry for spitting. I know it's filthy, but I can't help it.

Behold

Here are the photos that none of you asked for. Enjoy.

Massachusetts is safe once more

So yesterday at 10AM, having gotten 2 hours of sleep, I was woken up and told that we were being pulled back to MA for then Hurricane Hanna. She's since gotten remarried and changed her name. So I got packed and back on a flight. Got into Boston around 9:30PM and went home. Took a long hot shower and then went to bed.

Don't really know if I'm going to be needed this weekend for tropical storm duty. Stay tuned. I'm going to post some photos from my time down in Baton Rouge for people. Give me a sec. I've got laundry and a lot of sleep still on my plate.

Not sure what day it is...

So I'm on my 11th cup of coffee tonight and I'm pretty sure I'm hitting that wall. It's happens around 4AM, no matter what you do. This coffee isn't very good. But it's coffee. These days all seem to blend together, which makes it somewhat easier. It doesn't feel like I've been here that long as I've only been working and sleeping .

The motel room has cable TV which is down except for Channel 2, which comes in fuzzy. Don't ask me how I get one channel on a cable system and not others. I think Channel 2 must have paid extra to Cox Cable to insure they stayed on after a hurricane. Some businesses are slowly opening up. I saw the Jack In the Box open near where I'm working. Might have to stop by there at some point.

I was so looking forward to breakfast yesterday morning. All they had was some undercooked bacon, sausage patties and bananas and strawberries. It was odd, but at least we have food and power so I'm not complaining too much. I need to walk down the hall and get some more coffee shortly.

Rental Cars are not my thing

So some good news:

There doesn't appear to be much loss of life. The power outages and trees down and street flooding are the major issues. Most parishes (Louisiana's version of a county) are allowing people back tomorrow. New Orleans is allowing residents back on Thursday. The power came back on at my motel, which is a good thing. I might even have cable soon, but as long as there is a/c I'm not pushy. I'm hot bunking with my friend Sam who's in from California and working days.

Bad news:

Handed off the keys for the rental to my colleague from MA and he proceeded to hydroplane into a teammate of ours from Delaware, thus rendering the Kia Spectra undriveable. And thus leaving us strapped for a rental. He's fine though which is all that really matters.

Work goes along. I feel out of the loop in this corner of the world, my little EMAC office. I had to hear from a friend that Sarah Palin was the VP candidate for McCain. I hope to be home soon. Maybe the end of the week? Not quite sure. I'm happy to see that midnights are agreeing with me. Nothing to do here during the time off anyway.

All is well. Remain calm

So the storm blew in and out with a vengance. I've taken some photos but not that many. Mostly because I've been either working or sleeping. And I'm working in a cube which looks a lot like your cube and so it's not that exciting methinks.



So today I parked the car and walked into work, handed the keys to the guy I was relieving and he left an hour later. He came back in to tell me I had to come look at the car. It turns out this thing had been blown from it's parking space into the back of the rental car.

This is a file photo. I hope that some of the photos that my colleague took came out. This is a rollover simulator. Police put a dummy in the seat and then the car spins around with and without a seatbelt to illustrate the dangers of not buckling up. This trailer had pinned my rental car into it's spot while taking some paint off the bumper. I normally would find this very amusing that a trailer promoting driving safety had hit my car, but I remembered this exchange.


Smiley Guy at Enterprise counter: You want insurance on the car, Chief?*
Dumb Yankee: No. I have it on my credit card I think.


The one time. Bastards. I'll call Enterprise today after I get some more sleep. The hotel I'm in is probably still without power. Shaving in the dark can be a little challenging. I'm warning Hanna to back off and stay in the ocean where she belongs.


* For some reason here, a number of guys here have called me "Chief", "Boss", "Captain", and other terms. It's really odd. But not as odd as the habit of people calling women here "Miss" followed by their first name. As in "Oh, you need to talk to Miss Debbie." Strange I tell you.

This is some impressive wind.

So the storm has made landfall and as I arrived back at the motel, the clouds were moving fast. I am going to sleep. Not that I'm not curious, but more I'm really tired. Besides, I'm sure this Days Inn wasn't built by the lowest bidder and can stand the wind speeds of a Cat 3 hurricane.

Maybe I'll sleep under the bed.

In honor of Labor Day, I've decided to work 14 hours straight today.

That was some good sleep

So party peoples,

I realized I didn't bring the usb cable for the camera which means that you all need to wait until I get back to get any decent photos. Here's what I can tell you....

Got on a plane in Boston yesterday at 1:15PM, got to Baton Rouge through Houston around 7PM. Was told to report to the Louisiana Emergency Operations Center for a briefing before we went to the hotel. Was then assigned the night shift, no briefing, and worked until 6:30 AM today.

Wait, it gets better. Came to the lovely Days Inn. Which has been rated 43 out of 51 hotels in Baton Rouge. Their computers got fried last night and so they couldn't access any reservations which means they couldn't give me a room because they didn't know which ones were vacant. At this point, I was so tired I contemplated either sleeping in the lobby on the floor or walking up and down Airline Highway singing Ethel Merman songs. I ended up sleeping in my co-worker's room who was on the opposite shift I was.

Woke up an hour ago. The manager gave me a room and was very nice. I was actually impressed at the system of hand-written papers and notes she had. This hotel is completely full. Mostly of evacuees, but also responders.

The scene down here isn't really chaotic, yet. More of a controlled urgency. However, we haven't had landfall yet. I'll write more when I can. I haven't done the late shift for this long since 2004 as a cop. The sleep patterns come back. A cold, dark room is all I need.

My eyes hurt.

It's 5 AM. We landed at 7PM last night, came to the Louisiana State EOC for a quick briefing, and then I've been working here since then. My fleabag hotel will feel like the Ritz. I need a bed badly.

At least the Globe thinks I'm an official.

What do you pack for a deployment?

So I'm leaving for Baton Rouge in a few hours. Surprisingly there's no direct flight from Boston. I'm trying to keep 13 days of stuff into one suitcase as I have two carry-ons. I really have no idea what I'm walking into. I also am not sure of the dress code, so I packed a bunch of slacks and polo shirts. You can never go wrong with those.

My agency asked if we wanted a satellite phone. I said sure, picturing this:


What I got was a bag so large I could use it for human trafficking. It's huge and has an antenna like this:There's no way I'm not getting stopped by the TSA and strip-searched. I wore cologne today to keep my dignity.

A lot of people are asking what I'm going to be doing down there. Well, I'd like to say that Louisiana is putting me on an oil platform and having me yell at the storm so it gets scared and changes course. However, I'll be working in their State Emergency Operations Center as part of the EMAC A-Team. (Insert B.A. Baracus joke here) From the website:

The Emergency Management Assistance Compact (EMAC), established in 1996, has weathered the storm when tested and stands today as the cornerstone of mutual aid. The EMAC mutual aid agreement and partnership between member states exist because from hurricanes to earthquakes, wildfires to toxic waste spills, and terrorist attacks to biological and chemical incidents, all states share a common enemy: the threat of disaster.

Since being ratified by Congress and signed into law, in 1996, (Public Law 104-321), 50 states, the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico, Guam, and the US Virgin Islands have enacted legislation to become members of EMAC. EMAC is the first national disaster-relief compact since the Civil Defense and Disaster Compact of 1950 to be ratified by Congress.

The strength of EMAC and the quality that distinguishes it from other plans and compacts lies in its governance structure, its relationship with federal organizations, states, counties, territories, & regions, and the ability to move just about any resource one state has to assist another state, including medical resources.

EMAC offers the following benefits:

• EMAC assistance may be more readily available than other resources.
• EMAC allows for a quick response to disasters using the unique human resources and expertise possessed by member states.
• EMAC offers state-to-state assistance during Governor declared state of emergencies: EMAC offers a responsive and straightforward system for states to send personnel and equipment to help disaster relief efforts in other states. When resources are overwhelmed, EMAC helps to fill the shortfalls.
• EMAC establishes a firm legal foundation: Once the conditions for providing assistance to a requesting state have been set, the terms constitute a legally binding contractual agreement that make affected states responsible for reimbursement. Responding states can rest assured that sending aid will not be a financial or legal burden and personnel sent are protected under workers compensation and liability provisions. The EMAC legislation solves the problems of liability and responsibilities of cost and allows for credentials to be honored across state lines.
• EMAC provides fast and flexible assistance: EMAC allows states to ask for whatever assistance they need for any type of emergency, from earthquakes to acts of terrorism. EMAC's simple procedures help states dispense with bureaucratic wrangling.
• EMAC can move resources other compacts can't - like medical resources.

So all of this requires a lot of paperwork and I'm going down there to assist with that. I'm not sure what the internet situation will be down there, but I'll try and provide updates. Hope everyone is enjoying a wonderful Labor Day weekend.

I wanted a real Po Boy

Just found out I'm being sent down to Louisiana for maybe up to 14 days.

Stand by.

Bells are Ringing

I was just called by my old partner Will with good news. Tonight he proposed to his girlfriend of 7 years, Andreyina (Nina). She said yes and he called me first to let me know .

Will and I were partners for about 3 and a half years. It doesn't sound like a lot of time, but that time was spent in a car for 8 hours a day about 6 inches from each other. That kind of situation either works really well or really poorly. Fortunately in our case, it worked perfectly. I always tell people that my life in the NYPD was nothing like TV depicts it, except my relationship with my partner. He was across between a brother and a best friend. He is like family to my family and I am to his. It's a relationship I cherish very deeply. So it made it all the more special when he said I was going to be his best man.

For the ladies and curious guys, the Frosty in this post is the vehicle he used to propose. He apparently stuck the ring on the top of the Frosty. This made me laugh as I thought maybe it was going to be at the bottom of a White Castle carton. I'll never forget when I first got a ride home from Will when we carpooled from work. We stopped by McDonalds and proceeded to eat it on an overpass over the BQE. When we got done, he asked "You finished?" and then took my trash and opened the window and flung it out onto the street. "Welcome the the 9-0*", he said, and then put the car in gear and drove me home. Something told me then, this would be the start of something really special.

Congrats Will and Nina. Your kids will be super short.

* The 90 is the 90th Precinct, that covers Williamsburg. All Precincts higher than the 19th are called by their individual numbers. For example, 2-8, and not 28th. Trust me on this.

Oh My God

The Amish guy just said the ravens were sick because of as he said in Amish-accented English(?), "The Mad Cow Disease."

I'm watching this mostly because I've seen the SVU episode already. Nurse sister kills her brother who ran the home nursing aide business. Sister ends up being the serial killer.

TV moments

So I was going to be productive today. Had plans to maybe buy some new sunglasses or go out to dinner with a friend. Instead, three letters stopped my plans dead in their tracks.



SVU



7 hour marathon.



It's really an incredible show and mostly realistic. The real SVU actually spends most of their time talking to kids who claim one of their parents touched them as a way to get back at them for not letting them borrow the car, or grounds them for a weekend. Also, they don't work through the night. A little known fact is that the Detective Squads in the precincts go home at 1AM. Then Nightwatch takes over. Nightwatch you say? Why isn't there a show about these nocturnal investigators? It's because they only take the cases until 8AM when the Precinct Squads come back in. It's because you lose leads if you wait hours before working the case, so these guys essentially collect info and the drop the case back on the desks of the other Squad Guys.



Currently on Sci-Fi is the made for TV movie Kaw, about evil ravens who terrorize a school bus holding a sports team. It's like The Birds but with a better title and Amish people for some bizarre reason. By the way, this Amish guy has the worst accent and beard I've ever seen.

Better or Worse....Better or Worse

So I went to the eye doctor this morning for my biennial checkup. I have amblyopia and an astigmatism in my right eye, which in english means I can't get laser surgery. It also means my parents are horrible people who didn't get me checked out when I was a baby. But let bygones be bygones I say. So this means that once every few years, or whenever I want new glasses, I have to get them checked.

There are two games the eye doctor plays with you. The first one is when they put the drops of yellow stuff in your eye to dilate them. This renders you completely incapable of seeing anything close to you. Or as I call this game, "Race to finish the Newsweek before it all becomes blurry." I always lose this game. And my work e-mails suffer as well. Another byproduct of this is that you become like a vampire when you go outside because your eyes take in every bit of bright sunlight there is. They do offer to give you these disposable sunglasses which go over the regular glasses. However once you see them in the mirror, you are inclined to kick your own ass.

The second game they call involves this medieval device.I can't believe that in 2008, we still do exams with something that looks like it came out of Dr. Emmet Brown's laboratory. (Points if you name the movie) So you end up squinting at letters that are terribly fuzzy and the doctor moves these lenses around and asks, "Better or worse?" And he does this about 50 times. Halfway through, you're squinting and trying to read and also trying to wonder if there's any difference at all between these damned lenses, so you just start making things up. I mean it's obvious that there's not this one lens which makes my vision perfect so if I screw up a little bit then my eyes will only be a little bit worse.

So I got the new prescription and will probably get sunglasses, but actual sunglasses and not these God awful things. Or this nerd paradise either.

Fodder

So I'm back and I have to post other thoughts on my trip to Ireland, but thought I'd share a slideshow of some selected photos from my time there. Chew on this while I get over the jet lag and get back to the commentary.

Thoughts from Ireland

I'm over here for the week, taking some great photos and enjoying Guiness's home court advantage. Here are some thoughts:

• I keep looking the wrong way when I'm crossing the street. It won't be long before I'm hit by one of those double decker buses.
• Black and White pudding isn't pudding. I'm not sure what it is, and if you know don't tell me. I have a feeling it's like Lamb Fries from Funny Farm.
• The women here are beautiful. Maybe it's the lilting accent or the pale complexion with the raven dark hair. I think they're just being nice to the dumb American.
• Watching the Olympics from a Great Britain point of view is weird. I've never seen Badminton on in primetime before.
• The train crossings here stay down for a long time before a train goes by. I mean like at least 5-7 minutes. This wouldn't stand in America as we're impatient bastards.
• Something about seeing an Oscar Wilde play in Ireland is cool.

Off to the Horseshoe bar and to meet a bloke for an interview.

I'll miss that sum-uma-bitch

So interspersed in the news about Edwards having an affair with a fairly unattractive woman, Georgia and Russia starting a war, and a tourist getting killed in China was this sad story.

Bernie Mac died this morning. He was 50 years old. His hometown paper has a write-up.

I found this clip from the Kings of Comedy tour. He was by far the best one of the four. "I took a hammer and I slapped the fuck out of him." Best line ever.


Rest in peace Bernie.

Good move

Guess what ad campaign Greyhound Canada had to pull today?


In case, you don't know why they had to pull it, a public safety reminder not to fall asleep on the midnight bus through Manitoba. Unless you have a headache.

They should be ashamed

There was a movie made in 2006 with Donald Faison and Jamie-Lynn Sigler about a black guy who was raised by an Italian family his whole life. Then he meets his real parents and has to learn how to be "black." Now as if this train wreck wasn't enough, the title is perhaps one of the most wonderfully awful things I've heard in a long, long time.

I give you the trailer for Homie Spumoni.

No, I'm not kidding.

I have been shamed

So this morning I went to the dentist for the 6 month check-up. I go to Gentle Dental which is a chain up in Boston. This is fine except everytime I come in I get "Last time you were here, you were seen by Dr. Glebman. He's now in charge of our Braintree office/He was locked up for that thing with the kids you may have seen in the papers. I'm Dr. WhocaresbecauseI'mblowingthispopstandsoon."

So after the guy stuck his fingers in my mouth and told me I had no cavities I got my cleaning. This is where I noticed the hygienist using more gauze than usual and the suctiony thing too. I was apparently bleeding like a Tarrantino movie. Why? Not enough flossing. And as she explained last time, when you don't floss your gums recede and then your teeth fall out of your head. So make sure you floss out there. Very important.

Real Laughter, Real Pizza and Real Thunderstorms

Greetings from Gotham, 

I arrived in New York late last night for a weekend wedding of one of my high school circle of friends.  Got in just late enough to have a glass of sangria with the boys and their significant others.  I'd like to give a shout-out to the Wendy's in Rocky Hill, CT.  Yes Wendy's, you decided to hire a guy for the front register who was either severely brain damaged or had his body ravaged by years of drug and alcohol abuse.  This basically meant that he moved at slow motion.  Which normally I wouldn't mind, but I was racing the old GPS estimate of when I'd get in and I could just see that clock ticking upwards as he looked for lids for some lady's chili.  

But I've been ensconced in my parent's place mostly due to the torrential rain, need to iron before the wedding, and some infomercials that were pretty choice.  I heard from a reader last night that I don't blog too often.  And she has two kids, so I guess there's no excuse.  Sorry Aloha.  I'll do better I promise.  

Careful on the GIS

So tonight I screened the classic "Boys from Brazil" with Gregory Peck and Lawrence Olivier. If you don't know this book or movie, the skinny is that Mengele who was alive and on the lam when the movie came out cloned Hitler 94 times. And there were little Adolphs around the world who were growing up. The movie has everything: fine actors, Nazis, and Steve Guttenberg.

Check it out if you haven't seen it. Worth a look see. However when I was using the Google Image Search to find the poster art you see above, that's not all it came up with. You might imagine that if you search for Boys from Brazil, that perhaps in the internet land that other people might have different needs. Like this photo for example.Stay classy San Diego.

Manundrum #2

So my apologies for the infrequent blogging, grad school started back up for a summer semester and while there's been tons of stuff to write about, I didn't get to it.

This is the second in the Manundrum series, which basically are conundrums for the male species. My last one was on choosing jams or jellies. This one concerns...Shampoo. I stopped in to the local Walgreens to grab some deodorant and shampoo and was once again paralyzed in an aisle.

First, I'm a guy and therefore I don't buy conditioner separate. I appreciate the helpful properties of conditioner, but I don't like how it works. When I use stand alone conditioner it feels like it's not out of my hair after 10 rinses, so my showers take longer. This means either I want just shampoo or a 2 in 1 product. Sadly, that market was started by these guys, and I'm tired of this shampoo. The smell makes me sick given my years of Pert use. And don't I deserve a shampoo that smells of guava and elderberries?

Second, how many damn problems do people have with their hair. I'm looking at these bottles and I see:

• Dry hair: I don't get this. Isn't this why you shower? Take more showers.
  
• Oily hair: It should say for Hippies and Persons Driving their Camaros to the Jersey Shore.
  
• Damaged Hair: This confuses me? Was your hair in a tragic industrial accident? Did you fall asleep in the sun for 3 days while vacationing in the Mojave?
  
• Anti-Frizz: I get this. Not for me, but if you have any Jewish friends, you might need to tame the Jewfro at some point.
  
• Volumizer: How does this work? Is this like steroids for your hair? And what happens when your stylist rats on you in front of Congress?
  

WHERE IS THE GODDAMN SHAMPOO THAT CLEANS MY HAIR AND MAKES IT SMELL NICE? I don't have any of these problems above, and if I did I'd never know.

I settled on some Herbal Essences thing that magically combines shampoo and conditioner and doesn't smell like industrial cleaner. So I'm a happy man. This is proof once again that being a girl is much tougher.

It is true, Ithaca is Gorges

So this weekend was a busy one.

My high school friends were gathered in Charlottesville, VA to drink and be merry and celebrate the engagement of my friend Waka. He's the guy who does Lunch Box. Or used to do it once paying acting gigs came in. I missed them truly.

However, I had a higher purpose this weekend as I was off with some college friends to Ithaca, NY to gather at a lake house and remember our friend Erin who died in Ithaca 4 years ago. We drank a lot of beer and had some good conversations, which I think is what Erin would have wanted. The drive is about 6 hours from my place and my friend Steve and I started in Marshfield to see my friend Montu's baby, Kieran. Montu took a photo, and I'll caption it before I post it and you tell me if you think I'm dead on."

Steve from Quincy and Graham from Somerville have waited 6 years for this day. Their marriage was the first step on a journey to fatherhood with the adoption of their son Kieran.Christ. The funny thing was that Montu's wife was like girls love photos of guys with babies. However, I'm pretty sure this photo won't help on that front. And for the record, I'm holding Kieran's hand.

So Ithaca was great and got to see a 5 college friends who I don't get to see often enough. And we got to have dinner with Erin's parents. They were as happy that we were there as we were to be there, so it worked out well.

I decided I want a digital SLR camera. My friends Kate and Nick had an awesome Nikon and I felt like photographer even though the $700 camera was doing all the work.

That is a terrible photo.

A Tale of Two Buses

So this post will have me comparing and contrasting two bus lines. I had occasion to take the on a quick jaunt down to NYC recently and here is the update.

Ride Down:

Bolt Bus
Trip Cost: 18.00
Trip Duration: 5 hours

This is the new bus service that has been started by Greyhound. Shhhh. They don't want you to know it's them. And it promises new buses, fun drivers, free internet and extra room. Well, one out of 4 ain't bad.

The trip began at South Station, the bus terminal for Boston. And this is a bus terminal, filled with people who take the bus, which are the elderly, students, impoverished and mentally ill. The line for the bus queued up and I got my confirmation number which said I was to wait on line A. There was a Greyhound service booth right next to the gate and when people asked the guy wearing the "Ask me about Seat Upgrades!" button on his hat, he went into this whole "I only work here one day a week and no one tells me anything and Bolt Bus is controlled by the driver." Nice work Greyhound. Way to help out.

Get onto the bus and noticed the seats with extra room (for wheelchair passengers) had no power outlets, and I was planning on using the onboard wi-fi. So I sat in a normal seat. The outlet is in the seatback of the aisle seat. I had no seatmate, which is good as I imagine it's odd to have someone else's power adapter right in front of your nose. And let me speak on footrests for a second. You know when I want a footrest? When there's 2 feet of space in front of my feet, not 2 inches. When you don't have a lot of leg room, a foot rest is an obstruction and not a perk. I suppose those 4' asian ladies enjoy it, but me no likey.

The wi-fi didn't work, which didn't please the hipsters with their Iphones. Not at all. The driver said that she didn't know how to work the system. I'm sure that's not in the driver handbook. So here I am sitting in a normal seat, with no internet, and this bus is going slow. I think that Bolt is looking for drivers. And mine must have started a week ago. She didn't quite handle the accelerator with skill, preferring instead to speed up and then hit the brakes when she got going too fast. Everyone passed us. All the other bus companies laughing at us.

Oh! And then we stopped for a food/bathroom break. 20 miles down the goddamn Pike from Boston! What the? I mean if you want to use the toilet, go on the bus. And if you're hungry, then get food in Boston like I did.

Best part of the trip was when she made an announcement halfway through. "Attention passengers. We are going slowly when making left turns because something is wrong with the bus. Right turns are fine but I have to slow down making left turns because I don't want the bus to tip over." That's an exact quote. I was okay with this as I figure that the only thing slower than her driving would be her driving the bus on it's side.

So Bolt, I'll try MegaBus next time. But if that's no good, I'll stick with the bus I took on the way back. I did watch Glengarry on my laptop, which was the highlight of the trip. "What's my name? Fuck you, that's my name."

Ride Back:

LimoLiner
Duration: 4 hours
Cost: $89.00

So yes, I'm aware that this is $89.00. Which is a lot of money for a bus. It's 5 times more than the BoltBus. But let's look at the differences.

• The bus attendant served me a turkey sandwich and then an apple later in the trip. On Bolt I had tuna sandwich that I bought at Cosi. And then it squirted out the bottom and landed all over my shirt. So I looked like a mentally ill bus patron.
  
• The driver seeing traffic on the Deegan, got off and took the service road which made me so happy I wanted to hug him. There's a sign against that though.
• I watched an awful movie called Invasion, which is the remake of Body Snatchers with Nicole Kidman. Blech. Not Limoliner's fault, but they changed the ending and I was not happy. Bolt wins here only because I made the call on the flick. And hearing Jack Lemmon use the words "cocksucker" just makes me smile.
  
• And finally, there was functioning internet which means mobile blog posting and Johnny Cash listening.
  
• There are footrests that I can use as there is plenty of legroom.
  

So while it's expensive, they know their business and it's super comfy. Amtrak costs at least $85 one way with no internet or food and plenty of delays. It's $200 r/t if you want to take the Acela. The plane is around $240 r/t. And a tank of gas is around $85 for me right now. So this is less expensive than all those options and I get to relax and do work or not.

As a civil servant, the only first class options I get are the bus. It's a sad statement really.

Where'd he go?

So I was a faithful blogger my whole time down in Paraguay and then I sort of fell off. This happens when things life and laundry get in the way. But how do I not sum up the end of the trip.

So flew business class from Buenos Aires to Miami for a total of 9 hours in heaven. AA is very proud of their new business class. You can see their gushing publicity for it here. Now, the entertainment was broken for a few hours and my reading light didn't work. I find that nowadays when things like this happen, they don't fix them. They instead "reset" the system over and over until it works or not. I don't call this a solution as it seems like something I could do.

However, my biggest distress was that they ran out of the pumpkin risotto. I opted for the lamb with a glass of Malbec. Now mind you that this is a red-eye, so I really just wanted to sleep. At 6'4" the whole extra room thing is a premium. So, here I am pushing the button making the seat lie-flat. Here's what the seat looks like. So now I'm lying flat and it turns out I end up tossing and turning as much as I did in the exit row on the way down. It felt like sleeping in a coffin. I also don't sleep on my back which I think is the way to sleep. So it was not the 8 hours of good sleep I had hoped for, but it was worth it for the service. I have to work on that when traveling to Hong Kong to visit the brother.

So I made it to Miami and my luggage went to Chicago. Though it's not AA's fault, but Tam. Tam is perhaps the worst airline in the Americas. The AA luggage guy was all "Maybe it made the connection and just got put somewhere" and then he saw the Tam baggage claim and actually laughed. I have a thought with lost luggage. I think you should get frequent flier miles for wherever your bag goes. I bet that would stop my bag being sent all over creation.

While at Miami, hung out at the Admirals Club, waiting for the connection. If you fly at least 6 times a year, these clubs are awesome. They offer a haven from the screaming masses. I took a shower at the Miami Admirals Club. That was better than sex.

So I'm back and catching up on all sorts of stuff. Hope all is well with my 4 readers out there.

Sweet Baby Jesus

If I have one more piece of meat I might explode.

Bonus points for hearing Neil Diamond telling me that Love on the Rocks ain´t no big surprise this morning as I´m eating breakfast in the hotel lobby.

Buenos Dias

Today, I was on Paraguayan TV. I´m not sure what I said, though I was mindful of international incidents. We were in a city to discuss their preparations for a religious walk in December. And as the leader of this band of raggamuffins, I was chosen to speak.

I have no photos as my camera sucks and therefore I´m waiting for the pictures from my friend´s camera. I´d have no way to download them anyway. Paraguay lost to Bolivia in soccer tonight 4-2, which was heartbreaking for me as a true Paraguayan. They just didn´t have it tonight.

Tomorrow night our interpreter is playing salsa music with his band and we´re going to check it out. Buenos suenos.

I´m sure I screwed that up.

I love this place

So I´m here and well. We had a productive day at work with my counterparts from Paraguay. Yesterday afternoon was the big soccer game between Paraguay and Brazil. So we found ourselves yesterday at a shopping mall across the street from our hotel to watch the game. We made it to the food court on the second floor and it was packed with people waiting for the game to start. Fast forward an hour after some beers and screaming for Paraguay along with hundreds of fans and it was kind of surreal.

But awesome. The people here are very nice and I can sort of speak their language. Sort of. I get into trouble by myself, though they encourage me to give it a shot. And it is the only way I´ll learn.

I´ve eaten more meat in the last 2 days than the previous 2 months. Mucho carne. Off to bed as there´s an early morning tomorrow.

God Bless the Admiral's Club

So I'm in Buenos Aires, and let me tell you one thing. This airport takes the Sao Paulo Airport out into the street, kicks it's ass and then humiliates it in front of a woman. This was a much better idea to come through here. And I'm lucky enough to be in the Admiral's Club, which is the American Airlines lounge, and so I scored again.

Didn't sleep much on the flight. My neck is killing me and I'm already practicing my spanish. Now if I can survive the next flight, I'll be on the ground in Paraguay. Though with Tam, you never know.

Bon Voyage

Aiight. I'm blowing this pop stand. I'm flying out of Boston at around 2 for my trip down to Paraguay. As usual, I was frantically packing this morning. I couldn't find my camera, so I'm bringing my older one. And I have no one to blame but myself.

I'll see about writing quick things from down there. I'm excited.

I'm legit

So it's been hot up in Boston, and in an effort to push my toned body to the limit, I went running yesterday. It was uncomfortable to say the least, but it was good to clear the head and hear the loud super-fast beeping of my heart monitor. I learned a valuable lesson yesterday:

Serious runners don't run in boxer shorts.

I figured this out as I've always run in boxer shorts. If you saw me running, given my outfit, you probably wouldn't even think I was out for a run. You might think I was being chased by one of those early model zombies that walked stiffly. I wear a t-shirt, cotton shorts, sneakers and crew socks. (Thank God I learned not to wear the athletic socks) But the boxer shorts are not conducive to running as most of you probably know.

So, I walked to City Sports, which is a great local chain around here. I told the clerk that I realized that boxers were not the way to go, and she suggested compression shorts. Which are these:

Now obviously, I wouldn't be caught dead in those. I explained perhaps there was something that wouldn't require me to stuff a baked potato into before I go out. She then showed me the running shorts section. These have mesh underwear built inside them. Ahhh....clever. I get it.
However the first pair I looked at were this length:


What the hell is wrong with you people? I'm only trying to stay in shape, not audition for back-up dancer for the Pet Shop Boys. She asked what color I preferred. I told her the way I l looked when I ran it really didn't matter. It's not like any color is going to clash with a wheezing sweaty giant careening from one side of the street to the next. No hot women are going to pass by that guy and think first, "The green was a great color. Brought out his eyes."

So I found a longer length, and got black and blue pairs for a total of $60.

I spent $60 on running shorts. The world is clearly coming to an end. I'm going to try them out tomorrow as today was beyond hot.

Shazbot it's hot.

I actually found myself saying that and then laughing out loud in public. Points to those who know where that first word comes from.

So, this weekend saw me visiting old friends. The oldest was my high school friend Sam and his wife Lizzie. Lizzie is now a Doctor, but hopefully means she won't insist on being called "Tha Doc" like Nichols. So good seeing them. Finally watched The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. The movie is almost as long as the title, but good soundtrack and a nice job from Casey Affleck which shows where the talent went in that family.

Saturday saw me down in Poughkeepsie, NY to celebrate the nuptials of one Brian Couse. It basically consisted of seeing all the guys from the firehouse, swimming in the pool and drinking a lot of domestic light beer. Oh, and making fun of Dave Roberts Jr. I was a volunteer firefighter in college for two years. Two long grueling years where they called me gay and forced me to play drinking games. But I gained their trust and became a man in the process. And got fat off beer and wings from this place. Walking into that place was like a time capsule. The owner who I haven't seen in 9 years still knew my name. I think that's a sign that there's not a lot of turnover there.

This morning I was up and out by 7AM to get to the MA National Guard HQ for my Yellow Fever vaccine. I leave for Paraguay next Saturday, and apparently the yellow fever went urban there, which isn't so hot. But I got a shot, which is good. However it takes 10 days to become effective and I leave in 6. I've eaten White Castle hamburgers at 4AM, my system can handle anything a mosquito dishes out.

I gotta tell you, this air conditioning thing is awesome. I know I'm killing the earth and polar bears are being stranded, but hot damn this is the only way to live. If polar bears were the dominant species, I think I'd be reasonable about this.

Two random movie notes:
1) Don't go see Golden Compass. Chuck made me watch it and it has no ending.

2) How does Marvel just get to re-issue the Hulk movie after 5 years. That's like releasing Finding Nemo again and hoping people won't remember. Though half the audience was probably 4 when the first one came out and don't.

Hair Cut

So I've been a little remiss in blogging recently. A bunch of stuff happened...

• I've got Athlete's Foot. Which figures, the first time I've been associated with anything athletic and it involves a fungus. Good news is that they make an ointment for it. Bad news is it's the same ointment that you apply for jock itch. Meaning that when I was at CVS, it was a little embarassing evaluating the efficacy of the ointment vs. the spray while women walk by and no doubt think awful things.
  
• Harvey Korman died last week. He's been in a bunch of movies, but I'll always remember him from Blazing Saddles. He played Hedley Lamarr. God he was funny. That movie was funny.
  
• Oh, and this awesome lobster spot burned to the ground in Downtown Boston. James Hook and Company. A funky ramshackle building bookended by the new Intercontinental Hotel and the Coast Guard Boston offices. They had great lobster rolls. Good news is that they've vowed to rebuild. My friend Tom turned me on to them.
  

So I'm waiting for a haircut at this place. It's pretty cool and they have internet which allows me to blog while I wait. I'm either the coolest guy you know or a Level 9 Dungeon Master. I need to get my summer cut. Hopefully I don't turn out like this guy.

Thank God Tomorrow is Friday

Today was a little tough at work. Tomorrow will be tougher, but then the weekend will come. There's a dog in my apartment. My roommate's Dad apparently needed him to dog sit a french poodle for the weekend. I'm going to spend the next 4 days trying to teach this regal beast to grab a beer from the fridge and bring it to me.

So, in other news, meet this guy....


He apparently posted a classified of himself on the NYC Craigslist site with these words, "Mr. Right Iz Here Waitin on U." He then included a bunch of photos, one of which is above. This guy apparently thought the 4 million women in the Naked City would swoon. The site Gawker found it and shared it with the peoples. He then called the Gawker offices to complain that those "photos was mines." Enter Fark.

For those that have never been to Fark.com, it's basically a site that has odd news stories on the left of the page, with a funny caption, and then the comments. The comments are generally some of the funniest you will ever see. Feel free to peruse the site above, but I've linked the comments about this story here. Enjoy.

This speaks to the Harlem in me

If you're from NYC or know it well, these two guys do a good job breaking down the ubiquitous check cashing empire.

Favorite line: "What were you going to do with those 9 cents anyway?"

Hey there

I'm sure many of you have fallen asleep waiting for an update. Some of you perhaps were concerned I was kidnapped by radical Mormons, while others might have thought I joined Erik Estrada in Arkansas.

The actual sequence of events was:
30th Reunion of college a cappella group
FEMA conference in Emmitsburg, MD
Wedding for good friend in CT.

It was all a good time, though when someone asked what I thought of the FEMA week I remarked that old line about feeling like a mushroom. They kept us in the dark and fed us a lot of shit. But the good parts were had in the interaction between the states. A really nice bunch of people.

In my day or two at home between these activities I found out that my heart rate monitor arrived from Woot. This will allow me to maximize my workouts, or allow me to predict my impending death in a more accurate way. The set up looks like this:
Except for the fact mine has a watch with a readout for your heart rate and this guy is totally a sex offender. (Thanks Rowsport.com for the image.) So I went running and the idea is to stay in the target heart rate. So I hear the thing beeping for the whole 3 mile or so run and it's flashing. I think this means that I'm below my target heart rate so I push on harder.

It's important at this time to point out that I have mistaken the target heart rate for the maximum heart rate, so basically I'm willing my ventricles to explode. I come back and the watch tells me dutifully that I spent 28 minutes of the 30 minute run above my target, and the beeping is apparently an alarm to let you know to dial it down a notch. Good to know. I looked like I was being chased I'm sure. By slow zombies. I have lost close to 20 pounds in the past year though.

Hope everyone else had a nice weekend.

Irony thy name is family

So I come home today and I find an Amazon box. It wasn't my Heart Monitor I had ordered for running as that just shipped, so I knew it was either a mistake or a gift. Well, it was a gift either way. It was a gift. A book. From my Dad and step-mother, Susan. The book is called Walking on Eggshells: Navigating the Delicate Relationship between Adult Children and Parents. That's fine. Parents send their kids books all the time. The book apparently has gotten good reviews.

It was the note that they wrote in the text box that came written on the packing slip. (Clears throat)

Susan met Isay yesterday (the author) and thought she was so good that we are giving this to some of our friends who have real issues, but thought we could all learn something. Love, J&S

Okay, so it's obvious that this book was sent as a gift to more than just me. I don't know much about this whole family psychology thing, but something tells me that if you're sending a book like this to your adult children you probably don't want to tell them you're doing it because they have "real issues." But that's just me.

It did make for a good laugh. And yes, I'll read the book. Hope everyone's Wednesday is going swimmingly.

Huh

I just want to point out that if you google "Civil Servant" that this site is on the first page. The bottom, but still the first page.

Soon the ads will start and then I'm going to retire filthy rich. Or I'll just keep writing this so my family and 7 friends can find out what is going on in my life.

This game will be the death of me

So what do you do on a rainy weekend in Boston. Well, if you have Grand Theft Auto IV, you play it a lot. I'm from NYC as most know and that's the setting for the game. They spent a lot of time making it really realistic. I just got access to Manhattan in the game, so I've enjoyed exploring the old haunts. They even included Harlem Hospital, god bless their hearts. Here's actual game footage from a helicopter you can "borrow."

And when I wasn't doing that, I was reading The Power Broker, which is only 1344 pages. But a great read if you want to know more about Robert Moses. The guy did a lot, but really comes off as a complete prick.

Finally tonight I went to the grocery store, which means it's time for this weeks grocery oddity. You'll recall that last time it was the Kraft Bagelful, which is the toastable bagel that has cream cheese inside. I'd give that product a B. And today I chose for my dining pleasure...

Jimmy Dean's mini sausages wrapped in small blueberry pancakes. I originally wanted to go for the pancake wrapped sausage on a stick. Sort of a breakfast corn dog, but I thought I would have gotten funny looks from the girl buying steamed frozen veggies next to me. Not like the mini sausages are better for you. I will review those early this week.

It's like playing a Scorcese movie

So I may or may not have waited on line at midnight to buy Grand Theft Auto 4.

And I may or may not have played it until 3AM, leaving around 4 hours for sleep.

And if I didn't have a meeting tomorrow, I might have called in sick.

But make no mistake about this, it's the most beautiful and awesome game experience I've had. Wow.

I think there's something in my eye

So my step-mother passed along this incredible article about a woman teaching a terminally ill deaf child with Downs in Pittsburgh. And that woman happens to be married to my brother in Pittsburgh.

Nice job sister. Love you and incredibly proud of you.

There's some great photos of her with Sarah, the little girl here.

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On the Job: Student's illness changes teacher's lessons

By Allison M. Heinrichs
TRIBUNE-REVIEW
Monday, April 28, 2008

Buzz up!

Malkah Bird has taught mentally challenged children to tell time, use sign language and count money.

But when one of her students developed a deadly cancer, Bird began teaching her most difficult lesson.

"I never would have guessed at the beginning of the year that the big umbrella concept we're going to work on is what happens when your friend gets sick," said Bird, who teaches special education at the Western Pennsylvania School for the Deaf. "I've never taught this lesson before, so we're all learning together."

Bird, 29, is in her second year with the Edgewood school. It's a career path she never imagined she'd take

Shortly after graduating with a degree in geology from Smith College in western Massachusetts, Bird was accepted to Teach for America, a program that recruits high-scoring recent college graduates to teach in underprivileged areas.

She was sent to the Navajo Indian Reservation in New Mexico and, for two years, taught a class of mentally challenged teen boys whom other teachers had labeled "impossible."

Many of the children couldn't speak and would get frustrated because Bird didn't understand what they wanted. So she taught them -- and herself -- some sign language.

"A whole new world opened up," she said. "Suddenly they had this ability to communicate."

Inspired, Bird went to the University of Pittsburgh to earn a master's degree in deaf education and started teaching middle school at the Western Pennsylvania School for the Deaf.

Although most children at the school are as intelligent as any hearing child, Bird decided to continue teaching mentally challenged students.

"Everyone has a calling in life, and this is Malkah's," said Donald Mazreku, assistant principal in the middle school. "The students she works with have multiple disabilities and, where some may view that as a challenge, Malkah is a person who perceives it as an opportunity."

Bird's goal is to help the children become functioning members of society, teaching them to count money, tell time, make food and do laundry.

"Who's to say that what they have to contribute to society isn't just as important as what I contribute?" Bird said. "Every human deserves the opportunity to feel successful."

Sarah Richardson, 15, of Wilkins is one of Bird's students. A strong-willed girl who loves candy and the Disney princesses, Sarah was born with Down syndrome and diagnosed with autism four years ago.

"She's brilliant with any kind of matching or shapes," Bird said.

In February, Sarah was diagnosed with a rare cancer that caused her left thigh to swell to three times its normal size. She was admitted to Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh in Oakland.

"That day, when I told Malkah that Sarah had cancer, she came down here and was waiting for me in the emergency room," said Sarah's mother, Denise Richardson. "We call her Malkah-mom."

Because the cancer has spread to Sarah's lungs, doctors consider her terminally ill. Denise Richardson isn't sure her daughter will be alive for her 16th birthday May 29.

The school rearranged class schedules for Bird and fellow teacher Sally Wellman so they could spend a few hours every week tutoring Sarah. Even on days she isn't scheduled to teach, Bird visits Sarah, who is in hospice care at The Children's Institute in Squirrel Hill.

On a recent visit, Sarah tried to match shapes through a morphine haze and the distracting tickle of her strawberry-blond hair falling out when she suddenly scrunched up her face and started to cry.

Tears sprang to Denise Richardson's eyes as Bird stopped the lesson to cup Sarah's face in her hands and kiss her forehead.

"That is what's hardest for me," Denise Richardson said. "How do you watch your little girl in so much pain?"

To prepare Sarah's classmates for their friend's death, Bird and the other teachers explain daily that Sarah is very sick. Bird created a fundraiser called "Steps for Sarah" and her students have walked 100 miles and raised $2,000 to help Sarah's family.

"Just as with every other teacher that I have seen in that school, Malkah has a love for her students," said John Irwin, who is the father of Nathan, 15, one of Sarah's classmates. "It's exemplified in how she, and everyone at the school, has rallied around Sarah Richardson and her family."

Bird said there is value in teaching any child, even one with terminal cancer.

"In the beginning we continued teaching Sarah, I think, because we saw that she was bored," Bird said. "But now it's more. Just like anybody, if you have a reason to fight, you fight."

Celebrate Good Times

First, to all Knick fans, Christmas came early last week. I was so happy to see this happen, but sadly he was in for far too long. Apparently that internet petition I signed last year did some good. I'm kind of a big deal.

In other news, I went to North Adams, MA for work today. If you don't know where that is, it's here.


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I could have spat on both New York and Vermont. Yeah, its far. And the best part is getting to drive out there through all these smaller towns, like Charlemont, Florida, Peru and Savoy. Massachusetts isn't a very large state, but there are very different parts of it. While it can be a total pain in the ass to get to some of them, it's always fascinating to me to drive through it and watch it all change outside the window.

Finally, congrats to my friends Lisa, Anne and Jodi on running and completing the Boston Marathon. You ran 26.2 miles in an event that caused the original participant to die. You are very impressive.

Assorted Ramblings

Let's see....
(Photo courtesy of Michael Carter)

We start with the recently announced merger of Delta and Northwest Airlines. Ramblings doesn't really care that much about this. Delta has decent sized operations from Logan, but nowhere near as big as they promised. Though, if approved, it does mean fewer carriers which in case you've been drinking the Kool-Aid means higher ticket prices. Which is not good, but understandable considering the high oil prices. If you're dying to know more about the new airline, they made a website which is filled with unhelpful stuff that flacks wrote in a hurry.

And much more importantly, I found a pair of black dress shoes that I ordered from Kenneth Cole. They are shown here:

Now you'll notice one thing about them. They have no laces. For some I know this is no big deal, but I'm old fashioned about these things. I don't do sandals at all, I prefer shoes that lace in a straight forward no nonsense way. Hell, even my Merrells were a big deal at the time. So I know I'm joining my metrosexual brother on the dark side, so we'll see when they get there. The ones that I wanted with laces were only in sizes Gary Coleman and John Holmes, so no dice.

Finally, I found an occupational safety video from the Canadian version of OSHA. So I'm watching this video here, the first one.

And this is what goes through my head.

"Oh hello. You can make me breakfast in be...

Huh? Well that seems rather...

AAAHH What the fu$k is going on? I will never cook again!"

I call the Canadians pansies, but the people that make their PSAs have no sense of humor, unlike the wacky Germans. (Note: Wait for it....wait for it...)

Postal Service employs Dobermans to deliver mail

Dear Netflix,

A few weeks ago I was told by you that you had shipped Stalag 17. This the WW2 German prison camp thriller which I have not seen. I did not receive it. I waited and then started to accuse. I thought that perhaps my upstairs neighbor who also gets Netflix had taken it by mistake, and then thought he was a thief. I checked to see if my roommate was using it as a coaster, but no. So, I sent an e-mail saying it hadn't come, and you shipped one out. No doubt you were thinking that I had wondered down to the local Blockbuster and tried to sell them my copy.

Vindication came two weeks later when I received this in the mail.
Some of you may recognize this envelope. It's the one they send to you, when something went wrong somewhere along the postal journey. Possible things that could have gone wrong?

• The automatic machine they use ate it.
• A dog ate it.
• It was used for scrap paper to take lunch orders for the midnight shift at SCF Boston.
  
• A letter carrier did horrible, unspeakable things to it.

In any event, your letter or postal item got trashed and they put it in a protective plastic sheath and drop it off. I like the "We Care" part. No you don't. How do you know that wasn't a letter containing my birthday money from Grandma, or Red Sox home opener tickets? It should say "We're Sorry." Seems only fair.

So I open the sheath and find this:
Netflix, as you know, this is the front of your envelope. I blanked out my address so that my female blog fans wouldn't stalk me (or that people would order pizzas to my house.) So the question is, where is the DVD? I have this image that it went home embedded in some poor bastard's head after the sorting machine shot it out like a discus. I hope this is not the case, as that guy is probably watching Stalag 17 and drooling due to the blunt brain trauma.

So all this is to say Netflix is that I'm not a thief and I have proof.

Thank you.

P.S. I know some people that work at this facility and they're all really nice. So I'm not insulting the work of the largest employer in the country. Please don't do unspeakable things to my mail. Except the credit card offers. Make them cry.

Charlton Heston: 1924-2008

Good night Chuck Heston, where ever you are.

Turn Alone into Opportunity

So I was walking back from dinner tonight and had a brilliant idea.

It started a week ago when two things happened. My Mom asked me "was there anyone special I'd like to bring to Easter dinner?" That answer was no. And I got a wedding invitation and my friend Mikie asked if I had gotten a Plus 1. And I replied that I didn't think so, but it didn't matter because I wouldn't have brought someone anyway.

So does everyone know how emissions trading works? Basically two companies purchase permits to pollute and one needs to be able to pollute more, while the other doesn't, so they trade the credits to make it all equal. There's a much less awful explanation here. But I have come up with a new idea.

Plus 1 Trading

Think about it. A plus one is basically a nod that says "You're so close to me, you can bring anyone you damn well please." The invite for just you solo says either this wedding is really small or we're not that close, dog. So being a handsome likeable guy, I get a bunch of invitations with a +1. However, also being that I'm apparently incapable of a relationship of any length, they often go to waste. In my scenario everyone wins.

See, the people getting married don't really care if their good friends finds some nice girl to bring. He's probably going to just hit on the bridesmaids anyway. But they wanted to give him the +1 because they like him and hope he one day finds someone nice. But they have a cap of 150 people and to be honest they really don't care who comes with who, as long as they're under the cap.

So, how it would work, would be through a website. You know how you go to the Bridal Registry page on Target or Macy's? Well there would be a site called Wedding+1.com. And you look up the wedding you're going to. As the emotional cripple who can never find anyone, you put your +1 up for sale. And the dashing good looking guy who's a dick, but finds girls that like him, manages to score his latest piece of arm candy an invite.

I think the rules would be:

Cash Bar

Hot Asshole buys drinks all night for Emotional Cripple and takes care of cab ride back to hotel. If there is doubt about whether Hot Asshole is complete asshole, then you work out a system with drink tickets at the start of the night to insure that dude doesn't go missing while you're parched.

Open Bar

Here is the genius. For the weddings with open bar or for those weddings where scoring a +1 is almost impossible, like the Obama-Clinton second wedding, we go to the Single Guy Registry. And it is exactly what it sounds like. A list of items that you decide you want to fill up your single guy homestead. You put up your +1 for items such as:

• Neon Beer Sign
• Foosball Table
• Velvet Painting of Dogs Playing Poker
• Kegerator
• Premium Adult Movies
• And on and on and on

To be honest, I think this is brilliance. Everyone leaves happy. Sure, I'd still be no closer to a girlfriend, but I'd be able to think about how to get one while playing on my new pool table. I'm sure pulling a cold beer out of a free kegerator might go a little ways to ease my pains.

WOW: Weekend of Wire

So what does one do on a nice beautiful Saturday in Boston?

Well, if your friend's wife lets him get HBO on Demand and that means he has Season 5 of The Wire expiring in two days, you sit in front of the TV. We watched Season 5 in one sitting, save getting up to get chinese food and use the bathroom. It's no wonder I'm single. 11 hours of TV goodness.

And sweet baby Jesus was it good. Now I can talk to all of you who had the gag order in place about the final season. I won't spoil it for my tens of readers. Suffice it to say, you hear from a lot of old friends and it cleans up nicely. That show is a damned work of art. And while some people seem to think that it's popularity is due to the fact that people want to believe it's authentic, I can only say what I know. I wasn't a drug dealer or a newspaper reporter or a teacher, but as a former cop, that shit is real. They got that part down, which tells me they probably have a good handle on the rest of it.

I'll miss the show, but I'm glad it went out on top. David Simon, I'd let you be on top.

Please God let this piece of yellow journalism be true

The University of Tennessee has come out with the results of a survey that say that hot women who marry average looking guys tend to have happier marriages. The UT group tends to conclude that those more homely of my gender tend to work harder to please a sex kitten.

Hear that ladies? That's the sound of me holding the door open for you, wondering how the hell I got so lucky date a supermodel. Looks are fading. Blind subservience is for life.

The article is here.

Hat tip to Fark.com for the find.

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter all! My roommate and I toyed with the idea of me sealing myself in the study, which is like 4 feet by 7 feet, on Friday. I'd live off a diet of beer, Pringles and spotty internet service. Then Sunday, he'd remove the plastic wrap and I'd be reborn. Then I'd walk outside touching people.

It was that last part that was the least worked out of the whole plan.

So tomorrow is Monday. This week is going to be a loong one at work. And so in order to prepare myself for it, I'd like to share a little bit of humor. My favorite part is when he tells the girls to dance. Oh, and this is a real commercial too.



Oh, and big congratulations are in order to the Wildcats of Davidson. They beat Georgetown today to advance to the Sweet 16. It would be like Vassar beating Michigan, pretty much. One of my oldest friends went there and I'm sure she's super happy tonight. And drunk.

Shipoopi everybody.

Miércoles

So not much to report on today, some remainders if you will.  

• 10% of the Ten Angry Men has a new blog about his experience as a Boston kid living in the United Arab Emirates for work.  It's worth a read.  Good stuff.  
• Had the new Prime Rib Ranchero from Quizno's yesterday.  I think it was Michael Clark Duncan's sweet voice that inspired me.  Verdict: While I can't find a photo online, its bursting with meat in the pictures.  In reality, it looked like Nell Carter was inside the toasting oven sitting on it.  Pass.  Especially for $6 for a small.  
• I was teaching class today, which means I had to reschedule the Yellow Fever Vaccine that I'm supposed to be getting now that Urban Yellow Fever has been identified in Asuncion, Paraguay.  I'm guessing that Children's Hospital won't want my blood when I get back so I should give 3 pints next time I go.  I was told by the two guys from my agency who did get the injection that the needle is big and they give it in your ass.  I call bullshit, but I'll let you know in April when I get it.  

And finally, for those of you who know my former career in New York City, I loooooved this article.  Jack Maple is rolling in his grave.  You can't make this stuff up.  Seriously.  

Erin Go Bragh

Greetings Sports Fans, 

I just viewed Michael Clayton, which I enjoyed very much.  There were three actors nominated for Oscars in it.  Tilda Swinton (supporting), for the big corporation's chief counsel.  Tom Wilkinson (supporting), the batshit attorney. And finally George Clooney, the protagonist And of the three of them, Swinton won.  I'm not sure why.  I mean Clooney was Clooney so that's not hard to figure out.  But Swinton was on the screen for not a very long time and didn't blow me away.  

What I did enjoy was the feel of the movie and the pace.  And the credits.  Now mostly the credits are where I jump up and eject the Netflix disc, or try and get busy with the girl I've been plotting to make out with since the beginning of the movie.  But in this case, the credits end with him (Clooney) taking a cab ride through midtown during the day.  There is something cool about watching him just sitting there, the camera focused on a guy in the backseat that seemed to be a good place for the movie to end.  

You know how at the end of the roller coaster there's that long stretch where the air brakes come on and you get to yell at each other "Awesome!" or "Let's go again!" or "Mrs. Hansen, Tommy got stung by a bee and dropped his Epi-pen on that last loop."  I think that part of the ride is like the credits in a powerful movie.  They allow you to sit there and take it in, before getting up and getting back to reality.  And I liked the way the director here chose to do it.  Well played.  

Calling all teachers....

First I wanted to point out a new documentary called Rubber Room. When NYC teachers are accused of something they are relieved of their teaching duties and forced to sit in a room until the department charges pending them are founded or not. This can take weeks, months, in some cases over a year. So there are full grown teachers who sit in a room and do nothing.

I understand this though. When I was a cop, if someone made an allegation against me, I was placed on modified duty, which means you get your gun taken from you while they check it out. It never happened to me, but I knew guys that would get into fights with their wives/girlfriends/baby mommas and the women would make an allegation. Usually the cops would work in the courts. They handle some of the intake pre-arraignment, before Corrections takes over. But they got to do work and get a check until the investigation was complete.

The schools have nothing else for these teachers to do, so they make them sit in a room. What seems absurd makes sense. You should pay them because the charges haven't been proven, but you don't want to see the headlines if you pay them to sit at home. Maybe they could make Department of Ed sweatshirts or something. At any rate, the trailer for the documentary is here.

And finally in this category, lemme pose a question to all of you.

You're chaperoning a high school field trip to Italy for Model UN. The night before you are supposed to all fly home one of the girls loses her passport in a taxi. Do you:

A) Call the Superintendant or Principal and be guided by his or her instructions?

B) Use the photocopy of the passport to get the student onto the plane?

C) Stay behind while it gets sorted out while the other chaperone takes the rest of the kids home?

D) Shove some foreign currency in the girl's hand, point her in the direction of the consulate, and get on the plane with the other kids and the other chaperone, leaving her to fend for herself?

If you answered D, you must work at the Wachusett Regional High School.

I love this place.

Congrats to the new parents

Kieran Patel is a week old. So this is a little late. But I've been sick, so lighten up.

I'm tired of awful movies

So I drove back from MD today and I'm quite tired. So for mindless entertainment, I popped in a movie from my Netflix queue. Next, with Nick Cage and Julianne Moore. This movie is heavy on the mindless part and really short on entertainment.

Oh, and for as awful as Cage is as usual, Moore is 10 times worse. Like turd sandwich bad. Like my eyes and ears are bleeding bad. I should eat this DVD so that no one needs to go through this pain.

That's really all. My friend Chuck told me not to watch this movie. I'm sorry Chuck. I should have listened.

Wait....this seriously got worse. A lot worse. How does a crappy movie have a worse ending? I wouldn't even eat this DVD. It's not fair to my stomach.

Maryland or Bust!

Hey folks,

I'm off to Maryland for a week of intensive training by FEMA. No doubt that we will find Osama when I return. I'm up for it. So I might be blogging about the excitement of Maryland, and hopefully the weather will work out.

A few shout-outs this Saturday:

First to Mike Fitzgerald, or Fitzy. He's my brother's friend and by extension my friend. He is a big fan of this blog and it seems only fair to say hello and thank him for continuing to read this blog. He's hot and a fine man. And he cries when he laughs.

Next, a big 2-8 congratulations to Nate Mole, formerly Officer Mole. Soon to be Sergeant Mole. I never thought it would happen, but I'm very happy for him. May God have mercy on the City of New York.