Friday, August 31, 2007

Not too shabby

So just wanted to point out that I'm blogging from a bus driving on 95 right now.

Oh, and watching The Good Shepard which is pretty good.

Not that bad. Here I come, my high school hooligan friends.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

I love these photos.

I added my brother's link to the links sidebar, but in case you don't want to look over there....

The Bird's Nest

So handful of people who read this, meet my nephew Atticus. Atticus, please say hello to my family friends, ex-girlfriends, lurkers and Level 3 sex offenders who read this thing. (Amar, congrats on being upgraded from Level 2)*

How cute is this kid? I'd like to be swaddled.

* Please note: Amar is not a sex offender. This is called humor. I can provide references that all the women he has hung out with are over 75.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

I always liked To Kill a Mockingbird

So sometimes writing a blog is not easy. I was looking for something to write about. It's late and I have to be up at 5AM for work tomorrow. And then the phone rings from an unknown number. I was about to let it go to voicemail, as I am usually wont to do. But I picked it up.

It was my brother Willett calling from Hong Kong, to tell me that I was an Uncle. Atticus Reid Bird was born on August 29th at around 8AM which was about 2 hours ago.

I'm an Uncle. How cool is that? I'm apparently already Crazy Uncle Graham, but I can deal with that. Nephews and nieces usually like their crazy uncles more than their uncles who wear designer jeans.

Family really is everything, isn't it? I can't wait until Christmas when I get to hold my nephew. I remember my Uncle Craig, my Dad's brother, once gave my brother and I this gigantic cinammon roll before we got on the plane to leave Montana where he lived. I remember thinking he was the coolest uncle ever. Now I realize that he was really screwing over my Dad by pumping his kids full of sugar and giving them 20 sticky fingers to wipe on everything and everyone. Genius. Strong Work, Uncle Craig.

You want Crazy Uncle Graham? You got Crazy Uncle Graham.

Bye Bye Gonzalez

Sunday, August 26, 2007

I'm going to join the priesthood

So in my never ending quest to find a mate, so I can procreate and eventually have my offspring take over this puny planet, I posed a personal ad on Craigslist. Here it is:

I promise not to ever use LOL - 30 (Somerville)

Reply to:
Date: 2007-08-24, 11:29PM EDT

Holy Crap, how is this so hard?

Let's see....I'm a 30 year old guy who is done with drama, and looking for adventure. I have a job I love that pays me okay but more importantly lets me sleep well at night. I have friends I love who I will fly anywhere for, and I love taking road trips, watching bad movies, and laughing with someone while refusing to get out of bed on a Sunday morning.

You ideally are in decent shape, are around my age, don't believe that typing OMG is professional. You like to read, and don't think that international destinations mean either Cancun or an island in the Caribbean. You should like your job, or at least be passionate about something. You don't have more than 10 cats. You will be able to get basic pop culture references, and you don't have Myspace as your homepage on your computer.

I'm not sure if all this makes sense. I'm just looking for a pretty, smart woman who likes to have a good time and isn't psycho. Barring this, I'm joining the priesthood.

Photos would be good.

I received three responses, my personal favorite was this one (Italics are mine):

From :
Re: CL Post
Thank goodness!
I think that all those acronyms are so tacky, not to mention very effeminate for a guy. I'm a woman and I would never use them! Okay....good start
OK, so now we're simpatico with that...Now let's see about the other stuff.
Not only do I love authentic travel ( probably like you, no Club Med, cruises (how can anyone call that travel?) or even Florida for that matter, but also love authentic food. No fast food (wait, that's an oxymoron!), no subs, soda, chain restaurants. etc. Are you still with me? Her dislike for sandwiches concerns me a little, but let's keep going....
I hate cats and love dogs and am very opinionated. I'm very feminine and also speak my mind, in an oh so ever diplomatic (wink) way... Right....good good.
OK, now the sticky stuff...Huh? Sticky stuff, what?
I'm married, happily so and have the OK to be doing something like this.Wait. What the fuckballs? Are you serious? We are very open and honest with each other. Let me know how you feel thus far. Thanks! How I feel? I feel like it's probably not going to work out.
Ciao for now...

So I wrote her back. Mostly out of morbid curiosity. I mean, does she want a threesome? I don't know what this all means. And my head hurt a bit. My response to her:
From: Me
To: Mrs. Psycho

Wait....I'm confused.

The sticky part is you're married? That seems a little more than sticky.

You said you have approval to do this? So it seems like you have an open marriage and what would you expect from me? I'm not working the camera. Did that once and it was bad. Too much zoom.

And finally, Mrs. Psycho's response to that:

I know, it sounds very suspect---at best. It definitely requires "thinking outside the box".
No, we’re not into 3somes or anything else. If you met me ---or us, you wouldn't get it. Yes we are happy and do love each other. However, I feel that I need more---a fun buddy to hang out with to do the things that my husband doesn’t like, such as dancing, which is my number one passion! I'm much more worldly and gregarious than he and just recently he has told me, "go out and have fun".
I am a very emotionally deep and socially conscious person who also happens to have a tremendous amount of positive emotional energy to share with people. OK, that just sounded very crunchy granola---believe me---I'm anything but!
Now what say you?

I give up. Seriously. I assumed I didn't have to put "Please don't be married on my personal ad." But as my old theater teacher told us, "Assumption is the mother of fuck up." Touche Mr. Gilbert. Touche.

Show me on a 61 to the bar, Central

So this weekend brought me down to New York City, by way of Mystic, CT. My old roommate was staying with her parents for the week in Mystic, and I went down for two nights. Really nice people from outside of Chicago, though Mystic is a little too much for me. It's packed with people buying shirts with lobsters that say "Mystic, CT" on them.

I soon left the Nutmeg State and drove down and woke my old partner from the NYPD up and hang out with him. He's got a nice little place in Ridgewood, Queens. And a plasma TV that is awesome. I almost feel bad for the people he locked up on overtime to buy it. Almost.

Will and I were partners for a little over 3 years. Both brand new out of the Academy, and working together in a car. So it wasn't like the movies. Also unlike the movies, most partnerships are work-only affairs. You come to work, spend 8 hours in a car together, and then go home. Luckily, we weren't really like that. We got to know each other's family. I was invited to his sister's wedding. And if my brother ever gets his crap together, Will will be invited to that one. He's like a best friend and a brother all rolled into one. Plus, he saved my ass from a few scrapes.

Returning to NYC is like putting on an old glove. It's different at first, but then you slip right back in and feel incredibly comfortable. And we returned to our old habits, which were...

Drinking at a local bar where $30 will take you all night.

Crank calling old colleagues who have now made supervisor and are forced to pick up the desk phone when it rings.

Enjoying a light repast at a trendy bistro, consisting of chicken rings, buffalo bites, and chicken with cheese sandwiches.

So it was a good night. And while there are still times I miss the NYPD. I have come to realize I mostly miss the people, because they have giant hearts, filthy mouths, and are clinically insane. So I will try and return to New York more often, because I miss laughing like that. Laughter is good for the soul.

P.S. White Castle is a great idea. However, make sure there are plenty of rest stops the next day if you are driving three hours or more. WC does to my insides, what smoking does to your lungs.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Reply Al....Oh Holy Crap

So you know that person in your office who doesn't understand that there's a difference between "Reply" and "Reply All"? I had an old boss who used to write all sorts of disparaging things to a person that then went to an e-mail list of 50. Classy.

Even classier if you are in charge of an airline.

Good Dinner

So I'm still reeling from my favorite movie experience of recent months.... God that was good stuff.

So today, I was thinking about the fact that The Guy Before The Guy is now 4 for 4. The last lady has found love recently, which is really great for her. She told me that sometimes when you want something it just happens. I told her I wanted Keira Knightly to show up at my door in a Broncos jersey and a Double-Double Animal Style. Still waiting, sports fans. So I was a little down, but I had a dinner tonight planned with a guy I haven't seen since my elementary school in 8th grade.

A little bit here about my elementary school. It was like where WASPS were bred. It valued winning and homogeneity above difference and effort. It was probably the worst place for a kid like me to go to school. I made some good friends, but overall it was a horror movie. And the guy I was meeting was in the "in-crowd" there. Was a good athlete, a real golden child.

So we got to talking about how we wound up in Boston from New York, and about school. And he was actually the one who said "I think all of us have permanent scars from that place." We laughed about how some of our classmates still live in that bubble because it's all they've known, and how we're happy we're in Boston and making our own way. It was really good. Therapeutic in some senses. It felt good to have him validate how upside down that place was. We did PFI (President's Fitness Initiative) every week. I thought it was normal to get timed climbing a rope affixed to the ceiling every Wednesday morning. Only in college did I find that PFI, which now the President's Fitness Challenge, was not mandatory. I'm looking forward to hanging out with this guy and his wife.

So it went from a so-so day to a good night. Maybe things do happen when you want them to.

Monday, August 20, 2007

The Grey Team on Lunchbox

Great use of video Waks....

Wagons ho!

I just got back late last night (or early this morning) from my trip out to Oregon. Some friends from college rented a house for a few days in Seaside. It was great and only rained one out of the 4 days. I would like to point out that Delta sucks. They rest somewhere near telemarketers and insurance salesmen in terms of their business practices. What the hell kind of airline needs to send me to Atlanta from Oregon, just so I can connect back to Boston? They have a hub in Salt Lake City, and Cincinnati. But they chose to use neither of those. And so I returned to Logan at 1:30 this morning. The idiot making the on-board announcements asked if we had any trouble with our connections to check the flight monitors. Listen you dizzy broad, if I had a 1:30 connection out of Logan, we're both in big trouble. Sorry....rant over.

I flew a kite, had some delicious microbrews, sat by a bonfire, and generally had a fantastic time. My freshman roommate Amar was there and we were the only uncoupled people. The last night, I was sleeping on the couch and he on the loveseat. And just after the lights went out he said to me, "Well bro, did you ever think it would turn out like this? The two of us, 30, banished to the common area due to our ill fortune with the ladies?" I thought that was quite funny. Here's a photo of the sky the day we left.

I like that photo. I'll post some of the other ones on Flickr. But that was a great trip. I'd like to go out again. Our friend, Liam, who lives out there and his wife are expecting, which is great. He's a monkey, but he'll make a great Dad.

Went out to lunch today, and hit up Wendy's. Had the Baconator. It basically made me sweat grease, but it tasted good...for a while. And then I had to go for a run to sweat out the swine. I passed by the spot that I fell and did not collapse again, so that was good.

Finally tonight, I saw Sgt. Kabukiman, NYPD. This is a film from Troma Films, which is Lloyd Kaufman's shop. His daughters went to my high school, and I got to meet him when I coordinated a film festival there. Wacky guy, but man that movie was awesome. And by awesome I mean bad. But in a good way. Let's go over the highlights:
  • NYPD Sgt. gets kabuki spirit breathed into him by dying man
  • Gains ability to become Kabukiman and throw chopsticks and sushi at people.
  • Tons of gratuitous boobie footage
  • Has a chase scene involving a guy in a clown suit on a tricycle being chased by three cars full of bad guys.
At times the movie thought it was a little funnier than it was, but overall it was great.

Good friends, great movies, a run, and a burger with 6 strips of bacon. This my friends is why Canada will never beat us. Hose off, eh.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Go Ducks

I'm off for the next few days to Oregon for Oysterfest. It's usually Lobsterfest, but it's being held on the West Coast this year. And of my college friends, it's going to be a smaller group as a bunch of people couldn't make it. The only non-coupled people going are me and Amar, my freshman year roommate. I have plans to mount him by Saturday.

I will not be little spoon.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Waks reviews the Dems Debate

K, this is a few days old. Sorry Waka. But he did win Editor's Pick.

I'm like Eddie the Eagle of really slow jogging

So today, in an effort to purge the toxins from my skin, I resumed my jogging. And all was going well, I'd passed a mile and was running up Mass Ave right near Porter Square, when something went wrong.

I felt myself in the air, and a man of my girth took a surprisingly long time to hit the ground. I scraped my knee and cut up my hand. I did manage to land in a puddle right in front of this woman who stopped and was staring at me. I guess I know what people thought when they saw this thing finally come back to earth.

But, I kept on running like a Navy Seal. I'm going to get Nike or New Balance to do a commercial on me. My roommate thought I should have looked for some kind lasses to help me tend to my wounds.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Detroit will never be the same

Ladies and Gentlemen, the brothers descended on Motor City and wreaked havoc. And if that weren't enough, we went to Windsor, Ontario and gambled, drank, and perhaps saw some boobies. The highlights of the trip....
  1. I have to say here that seeing my brother so happy, and getting the chance to marry him and his wife was really the best. It was a nice short ceremony that I have no photos of as I was talking the whole time.
  2. The NAFTA Shot. In honor of our trip to Canada, and in celebration of the NAFTA Agreement, we made Broxton drink a shot of ingredients from all the three nations. 1) Tequila from Mexico 2) Tabasco from the U.S. 3) Bacon Bits from Canada. I wanted to float a slice of Canadian Bacon on the top, but the waiter wasn't down with my genius. Here is a shot of that glorious drink.
  3. My younger brother, Ross, forgot which car rental agency he made the reservation at. We were already at Hertz when he realized this, and Hertz had never heard of my brother and didn't care for the excessive amount of product in his hair. So I reserved the biggest thing they had, G-Diddy style. A 2007 Lincoln Navigator. Awww yeah son. It ate gas like a mofo, but I had to dim the lights and cap some fools, this would be my vehicle of choice.
  4. We got pulled over by Birmingham's finest, and I didn't get a ticket. Always appreciate a little professional courtesy from fellow terror fighters.
It was a really nice weekend. The highlight I would guess would be a tie between driving the Navigator and getting two slow dances with a very nice girl from Pittsburgh. I think when you're with someone you can forget how nice a slow dance with someone other than your mother can be.

I'm back for a few days before I fly out again to .... The City of Bridges. Any guesses as to where that is?

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

The Congregation may be seated

I'm off tomorrow morning for my brother's wedding. So the brothers will be uniting like the Knights of the Round Table in Detroit, Michigan. (Except there won't be swords and there will be beer.)

I'm marrying my brother and future sister-in-law on Saturday. So we're going to catch a Tigers game tomorrow and then see what Windsor, Ontario through a tunnel to Canada.

I'll see if I can update the blog when I'm there, but it might not happen. I promise photos upon my return and I'll try not to create any international incidents. I'm on some sort of U.N. Watchlist for vagrants and malcontents I think.

I think Detroit PD is hiring. And as an incentive to working in the murder capital of the U.S., you get to work with this guy:

Sunday, August 05, 2007

I am become Death

My apologies to Robert Oppenheimer for the title, but I'm sick y'all. It might be plague or the black lung. Either way, I've been sneezing, coughing and honking my way through the weekend.

The upside of my illness is that I've plowed through about 10 episodes of Rome: Season 1 on DVD. I love this show. I love Lucius Vorenus and Titus Pullo so very much. I like this only a little less than the Wire, which is to give it high praise. HBO makes the best shows on TV. So go out and rent this, if you haven't already.

And the other exciting news of the weekend was my brother buying a car. We went to brunch this morning at Deluxe Town Diner in Watertown and I had their full stack of pancakes. So good. I didn't even mind that I couldn't taste a thing with this cold. And then we stopped by the nearby dealership where Ross made the deal. So the car should be ready tomorrow evening. 2005 Jeep Wrangler, hard top, sand color, manual with 11K miles. Nice job little brother.

I've taken my Nyquil and I'm off to sleep.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

I hate Meth

So I'm sick. Took a sick day today and everything. I normally sound like Barry White when I'm sick, however today I sound much like a seal. Not so hot. Anyway, I went to CVS to purchase some cold remedies. This always strikes me as funny because there's no cure for the common cold, which makes this akin to visiting some place that sells hair tonic or something.

At CVS I remembered again why I hate methamphetamine. Not because the explosions from meth labs kill hundreds of people a year, or because it destroys peoples lives and families. No, I hate meth addicts because they make it hard to get decent cold medicine. The good stuff, with pseudophedrine. In case you didn't know, Sudafed is one of the main items needed to cook meth, which means I had to go to the counter and give over my driver's license and a signature before I could enjoy clear nasal passages.

As a kid, you would see condoms behind the register and think what a hassle it must be to get those. Now, cold medicine is the new condoms. And sadly, I needed what was behind the counter today a lot more than what was behind it years ago.