Friday, September 28, 2007

God I'm slow.

My apologies for the slow pace of blogging. I'm currently using my old desktop as my laptop's power cord is fried, and it's not always easy to do this. (Read: I can't write from my bed.)

So I'm going to a benefit tomorrow night for a great charity, black tie optional. So of course I'm wearing a tux. But I didn't have a tux shirt. My friend Anne looked all over for one to no avail. Well, the Natick Mall recently became the Natick Collection. Not sure what the hell that means, except it's surely more expensive. They have a Nordstrom's so I went there. In and out in 5 minutes, so it was only in my car that I realized I had spent $321.00 on a shirt, a bowtie and some braces. Holy crap. It all happened so fast and she was very helpful and I didn't want to be the guy at the register who's like "Is that in Canadian?" (I know, that given the weakness of the dollar, this joke is losing it's relevance. Damn you Bernake.)

Then I went to the $14 haircut place down Route 9. It was the kind of place where all the clients are men under 25 who all have the state trooper haircut. The lady cutting my hair was also at least 7 months pregnant, meaning she could only get so close to me. Her belly was pressing into my shoulder most of the time.

Needless to say, I didn't see anyone getting their haircut who had also been at Nordstrom's. Gotta love Natick.

Tomorrow morning is the 5 K. And it looks like some people are going to punk out, but I'm in this thing. It's the only competitive sports event I do all year. I hate competition. I'll be done by the time some of you wake up. Ross, you can have my TV.

Monday, September 24, 2007

8 Days Straight

So I've worked for 8 days and I've done a bunch of stuff, but mostly worked.

I did find out a way to get rich though.

I do Big Brothers, and took my little Carlton apple picking on Sunday afternoon. I get less and less sure about having kids the more I do stuff with him. Not because of him, but because of the crowds. There were thousands of families at this orchard. And that's where the money comes in.
  1. Buy land that can grow apples, hopefully it has ramshackle barn, and pond for fake geese.
  2. Grow a crapload of apples. Seriously.
  3. Allow rubes with kids to come and pick said apples for $13 a bag. And I'm talking a small bag.
  4. Then bend over said parents with $4 hay rides. Pack 30 people onto a wagon being pulled by 15-year old making $8 an hour.
  5. Don't forget ice cream and candied apples
And that's as easy as it gets. Oh, and if you're going apple picking to try and take up time, it doesn't take as long as you think. I liked the parents who had the kids on their shoulders urging them to reach the good ones, "Reach Kyle! Get that one over there!" I'm pretty sure the Mexicans in California are treated better. Oh, and some people just pick them off the ground. If I was the manager at Stop and Shop in Boston, I'd just throw some apples on the floor and mark up the price 300% to make people enjoy it more apparently.

And then a former cop who I worked with called me. He too left the job and is in Florida looking for work. Something about NYPD guys going down to FL never seems to work out. But I was able to help him. I felt like the wise elder giving him career advice on jobs that don't require a test. It's a whole new world, Sunshine. Still, I'm happy I got to help out a friend and a former cop. That made me feel good. Especially on a day that was a little trying.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

News Flash...

So I was discussing Airwolf with a friend of mine who recently returned to blogging after a prolonged absence brought from 4-star trips and vacations. We all know that Jan-Michael Vincent died from a heroin overdose shortly after the show.

So I go to check the date of his death, and...


Are you serious? I thought everyone knew that he was dead. Apparently he's out of acting, which makes me wonder. What if his agent thinks he's dead also? Think how this is sinking his career. Do other people know this? I'm serious. I know some of you thought he was dead too. Don't lie.

Image courtesy of

Monday, September 17, 2007

Suck it NFL

If you cheat, and cheating is part of your job. And that cheating results in a fine, let's say $500,000. Could you deduct that on your next return?

Survey says?

God Bless America

Someone has a case of the Mondays

This weekend seemed to fly by. I spent a fair amount of time doing reading for grad school, which wasn't all that interesting. I'm taking a Leadership class where the professor loves to use the word "change agent." This bothers me. It seems too granola for me. Leadership is power, and it's generally not some incredibly soft concept that is warm and fuzzy. Certainly not in politics.

Name the movie:

"I'm a politician, which means I'm a cheat and a liar. When I'm not out kissing babies, I'm stealing their lollipops."

On Saturday afternoon I drove out to Sunderland, MA deep in the heart of Western Massachusetts to party with these kids. It was everything that makes America great. Cheap domestic beer, a country cover band, and a bunch of neighbors with crock pots full of their secret recipe for something or other. Oh, and the local girls high school soccer team was selling hot dogs and 50/50 tickets. The 50/50, for those urbanites unfamiliar with volunteer fire departments or small fairs is where you pay for raffle tickets and if they call your number, you keep half of the proceeds.

So TobacooFest '08 was a good time, until I got a headache and drove home. But it was a great night.

I'm currently careening through the final season of Rome. It's still really good. Perhaps a smidge less good than the first one, but still beating the pants of other television drama.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Captain Obvious

Apparently some study from England has shown why guys have taken up running in record numbers.

This really isn't news.

Weekend is coming

So the weekend is almost here. And it looks like I'll be heading out to Western Massachusetts for a Tobacco Festival. I'm not exactly sure what's happening, but I believe we're going to hospitals and smoking in the nurseries.

Only 6 days to go until International Talk Like a Pirate Day, which also happens to fall on my brother's birthday. Finally he can wear his shoes of questionable sexuality and not be scorned.

Speaking of questionable people, this guy needs help. (NSFW or humanity, really)

And please send all your maps to the Iraq, and such as.

General Betray Us

Stupid Libs....

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Never Forgotten

Hope everyone is doing okay today. Especially my peeps in New York.

Monday, September 10, 2007


Out of 173 countries, there are 4 that don't have paid leave for new moms...

1. Papua New Guinea
2. Swaziland
3. Liberia
4. Do you even need to ask?

Very nice. U.S. of A is #1!

My powers are all encompassing

So work is going fine. The weekend was pretty much a blur, were it not for the fact that my friend Amy came up from New York City and I got to hang with her. We went to a party that made me feel old. Let's just say I brought wine and the first guy I run into is wearing a T-shirt that says "I got Bourbon faced on Shit Street." Needless to say, my wine was not as popular as the suitcase of beer. But the girl who had the party is terrific, and there was some rockin' pasta salad. So all good.

And tomorrow I get to drive to the other end of the state before the sun comes up. .40 cents a mile baby. That's how daddy makes a living wage.

An update to The Guy Before the Guy. So we all know that I am 6 for 6, but I have elevated to a new level. Two of those six have gotten engaged. One of the girls just got engaged. And the other one has apparently had a ring for a month or two by my roommate didn't know how to bring it up.

Jeff: Hey, so i bought some laundry detergent and noticed you have a headlight out. And there was something else...
Me: Either I forgot to put the dishes in the sink into the dishwasher, or C got engaged.
Jeff: Both.

Yeah, that probably would have been weird. But ladies, now more than ever I think it's proof positive that my superpower is legit. I could look at this in a glass half full "I'm going to be 50 and eating ramen in a studio apartment" kind of way. OR I could look at this as another way for me to give back to the community. And I'm nothing if not a giver.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

A Ha!

So the Daily News political blog linked to my post of the NYPD officer being grinded on, which is all good. So welcome people who will most likely only read that post and then leave me alone with my imaginary friends, who are currently tied with the number of real friends I have.

But speaking of real friends, one of them has written a book. Her name is Melissa Walker, and asides from being incredibly brilliant and quite attractive, she was also my dorm Vice President when I was President sophomore year of college. And while she probably doesn't remember that, I do, mostly because my other house officers were criminally incompetent. (Hear that, Amar? )

She has written a book about a girl coming of age...well here's the description:

A wallflower in the spotlight can do one of two things: wilt, or blossom...

Violet Greenfield's life changes forever when a lady in giant Chanel shades tells her she could be IT, the next Kate Moss-but taller, and without the PR problems. That's how Violet winds up with a business card in the front pocket of her jeans on her first day as a senior in high school. Angela Blythe from Tryst Models in New York City wants to put Violet on a plane and whisk her into the world of high-heeled boots and oversized sunglasses. Tall, skinny Violet, who's been P-L-A-I-N practically forever.

So buy this book. I don't care if you don't have a girl between the ages of 12 and 20, doesn't matter. Melissa needs to keep her DVR as part of the Time Warner package and that shit costs money, yo. So help out a wonderful girl and buy a book, wherever fine books are sold. And if your bookstore doesn't sell it, yell at them and speak in tongues and don't leave until they order like a thousand copies.

Amazon is carrying it.
Borders is too.
Or help out the little guy.

Here's her site. But men, please no crazy letters or photos of your junk. She's got a man. You can send the photos of the junk to your primary care physicians though. They like the whole virtual checkup thing. Make sure to cough when you take the photo.


1) I love The Dirty Dozen.

2) You know how people think there's a trend of kids at colleges getting smarter, with more valedictorians each year than the year before? Well, tell that to these knuckleheads at Northeastern. Oh Huskies, bow your heads in shame.

Photo courtesy of

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Not just Labor Day

So yesterday was Labor Day, a holiday many celebrate by going to the beach or having a cookout.

It was also reason# 264 why I'm happy I'm not with the NYPD anymore. See, yesterday is the West Indian Day Parade in Brooklyn. And while the news covers it with the normal fluff and pomp, "It's a pageant on wheels at this colorful, unique cultural celebration." It's more like a riot on wheels.

The Festival starts the night before with a band concert called the Juvee. The band I escorted one time was a shopping cart with pans that some guy banged and a bunch of scantily clad women. A bunch of violence happens on the overnight, and it's totally out of control. Suffice it to say, if this was held on 5th Ave, it would be held for one more year.

My old friend I work midnights with, Nate, sent me this clip up on Youtube. He said, "You get what you pay for." This in reference to the low cops salaries.

Yes, that's snowfence. It's how they corral the people in the parade. They really use snowfence. Note the guy in the light blue polo behind the cop. He works for Community Affairs. Those guys have their hands full that day.

Ahh Brooklyn. I've got a bunch of funny stories about those nights. My favorite involving a man with sunglasses on in the dead of night, covered in motor oil and baby powder, humping the street. Oh yeah, totally naked. It's not just a job, it's a stand-up routine.

Saturday, September 01, 2007

Bathroom ettiquite

In light of Senator Craig's stepping down, I reprint the article from The Onion that my friend Sam pointed me to.