Sunday, March 30, 2008

Turn Alone into Opportunity

So I was walking back from dinner tonight and had a brilliant idea.

It started a week ago when two things happened. My Mom asked me "was there anyone special I'd like to bring to Easter dinner?" That answer was no. And I got a wedding invitation and my friend Mikie asked if I had gotten a Plus 1. And I replied that I didn't think so, but it didn't matter because I wouldn't have brought someone anyway.

So does everyone know how emissions trading works? Basically two companies purchase permits to pollute and one needs to be able to pollute more, while the other doesn't, so they trade the credits to make it all equal. There's a much less awful explanation here. But I have come up with a new idea.

Plus 1 Trading

Think about it. A plus one is basically a nod that says "You're so close to me, you can bring anyone you damn well please." The invite for just you solo says either this wedding is really small or we're not that close, dog. So being a handsome likeable guy, I get a bunch of invitations with a +1. However, also being that I'm apparently incapable of a relationship of any length, they often go to waste. In my scenario everyone wins.

See, the people getting married don't really care if their good friends finds some nice girl to bring. He's probably going to just hit on the bridesmaids anyway. But they wanted to give him the +1 because they like him and hope he one day finds someone nice. But they have a cap of 150 people and to be honest they really don't care who comes with who, as long as they're under the cap.

So, how it would work, would be through a website. You know how you go to the Bridal Registry page on Target or Macy's? Well there would be a site called And you look up the wedding you're going to. As the emotional cripple who can never find anyone, you put your +1 up for sale. And the dashing good looking guy who's a dick, but finds girls that like him, manages to score his latest piece of arm candy an invite.

I think the rules would be:

Cash Bar

Hot Asshole buys drinks all night for Emotional Cripple and takes care of cab ride back to hotel. If there is doubt about whether Hot Asshole is complete asshole, then you work out a system with drink tickets at the start of the night to insure that dude doesn't go missing while you're parched.

Open Bar

Here is the genius. For the weddings with open bar or for those weddings where scoring a +1 is almost impossible, like the Obama-Clinton second wedding, we go to the Single Guy Registry. And it is exactly what it sounds like. A list of items that you decide you want to fill up your single guy homestead. You put up your +1 for items such as:
  • Neon Beer Sign
  • Foosball Table
  • Velvet Painting of Dogs Playing Poker
  • Kegerator
  • Premium Adult Movies
  • And on and on and on
To be honest, I think this is brilliance. Everyone leaves happy. Sure, I'd still be no closer to a girlfriend, but I'd be able to think about how to get one while playing on my new pool table. I'm sure pulling a cold beer out of a free kegerator might go a little ways to ease my pains.

WOW: Weekend of Wire

So what does one do on a nice beautiful Saturday in Boston?

Well, if your friend's wife lets him get HBO on Demand and that means he has Season 5 of The Wire expiring in two days, you sit in front of the TV. We watched Season 5 in one sitting, save getting up to get chinese food and use the bathroom. It's no wonder I'm single. 11 hours of TV goodness.

And sweet baby Jesus was it good. Now I can talk to all of you who had the gag order in place about the final season. I won't spoil it for my tens of readers. Suffice it to say, you hear from a lot of old friends and it cleans up nicely. That show is a damned work of art. And while some people seem to think that it's popularity is due to the fact that people want to believe it's authentic, I can only say what I know. I wasn't a drug dealer or a newspaper reporter or a teacher, but as a former cop, that shit is real. They got that part down, which tells me they probably have a good handle on the rest of it.

I'll miss the show, but I'm glad it went out on top. David Simon, I'd let you be on top.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Please God let this piece of yellow journalism be true

The University of Tennessee has come out with the results of a survey that say that hot women who marry average looking guys tend to have happier marriages. The UT group tends to conclude that those more homely of my gender tend to work harder to please a sex kitten.

Hear that ladies? That's the sound of me holding the door open for you, wondering how the hell I got so lucky date a supermodel. Looks are fading. Blind subservience is for life.

The article is here.

Hat tip to for the find.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter all! My roommate and I toyed with the idea of me sealing myself in the study, which is like 4 feet by 7 feet, on Friday. I'd live off a diet of beer, Pringles and spotty internet service. Then Sunday, he'd remove the plastic wrap and I'd be reborn. Then I'd walk outside touching people.

It was that last part that was the least worked out of the whole plan.

So tomorrow is Monday. This week is going to be a loong one at work. And so in order to prepare myself for it, I'd like to share a little bit of humor. My favorite part is when he tells the girls to dance. Oh, and this is a real commercial too.

Oh, and big congratulations are in order to the Wildcats of Davidson. They beat Georgetown today to advance to the Sweet 16. It would be like Vassar beating Michigan, pretty much. One of my oldest friends went there and I'm sure she's super happy tonight. And drunk.

Shipoopi everybody.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008


So not much to report on today, some remainders if you will.  

  • 10% of the Ten Angry Men has a new blog about his experience as a Boston kid living in the United Arab Emirates for work.  It's worth a read.  Good stuff.  
  • Had the new Prime Rib Ranchero from Quizno's yesterday.  I think it was Michael Clark Duncan's sweet voice that inspired me.  Verdict: While I can't find a photo online, its bursting with meat in the pictures.  In reality, it looked like Nell Carter was inside the toasting oven sitting on it.  Pass.  Especially for $6 for a small.  
  • I was teaching class today, which means I had to reschedule the Yellow Fever Vaccine that I'm supposed to be getting now that Urban Yellow Fever has been identified in Asuncion, Paraguay.  I'm guessing that Children's Hospital won't want my blood when I get back so I should give 3 pints next time I go.  I was told by the two guys from my agency who did get the injection that the needle is big and they give it in your ass.  I call bullshit, but I'll let you know in April when I get it.  
And finally, for those of you who know my former career in New York City, I loooooved this article.  Jack Maple is rolling in his grave.  You can't make this stuff up.  Seriously.  

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Erin Go Bragh

Greetings Sports Fans, 

I just viewed Michael Clayton, which I enjoyed very much.  There were three actors nominated for Oscars in it.  Tilda Swinton (supporting), for the big corporation's chief counsel.  Tom Wilkinson (supporting), the batshit attorney. And finally George Clooney, the protagonist And of the three of them, Swinton won.  I'm not sure why.  I mean Clooney was Clooney so that's not hard to figure out.  But Swinton was on the screen for not a very long time and didn't blow me away.  

What I did enjoy was the feel of the movie and the pace.  And the credits.  Now mostly the credits are where I jump up and eject the Netflix disc, or try and get busy with the girl I've been plotting to make out with since the beginning of the movie.  But in this case, the credits end with him (Clooney) taking a cab ride through midtown during the day.  There is something cool about watching him just sitting there, the camera focused on a guy in the backseat that seemed to be a good place for the movie to end.  

You know how at the end of the roller coaster there's that long stretch where the air brakes come on and you get to yell at each other "Awesome!" or "Let's go again!" or "Mrs. Hansen, Tommy got stung by a bee and dropped his Epi-pen on that last loop."  I think that part of the ride is like the credits in a powerful movie.  They allow you to sit there and take it in, before getting up and getting back to reality.  And I liked the way the director here chose to do it.  Well played.  

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Calling all teachers....

First I wanted to point out a new documentary called Rubber Room. When NYC teachers are accused of something they are relieved of their teaching duties and forced to sit in a room until the department charges pending them are founded or not. This can take weeks, months, in some cases over a year. So there are full grown teachers who sit in a room and do nothing.

I understand this though. When I was a cop, if someone made an allegation against me, I was placed on modified duty, which means you get your gun taken from you while they check it out. It never happened to me, but I knew guys that would get into fights with their wives/girlfriends/baby mommas and the women would make an allegation. Usually the cops would work in the courts. They handle some of the intake pre-arraignment, before Corrections takes over. But they got to do work and get a check until the investigation was complete.

The schools have nothing else for these teachers to do, so they make them sit in a room. What seems absurd makes sense. You should pay them because the charges haven't been proven, but you don't want to see the headlines if you pay them to sit at home. Maybe they could make Department of Ed sweatshirts or something. At any rate, the trailer for the documentary is here.

And finally in this category, lemme pose a question to all of you.

You're chaperoning a high school field trip to Italy for Model UN. The night before you are supposed to all fly home one of the girls loses her passport in a taxi. Do you:

A) Call the Superintendant or Principal and be guided by his or her instructions?

B) Use the photocopy of the passport to get the student onto the plane?

C) Stay behind while it gets sorted out while the other chaperone takes the rest of the kids home?

D) Shove some foreign currency in the girl's hand, point her in the direction of the consulate, and get on the plane with the other kids and the other chaperone, leaving her to fend for herself?

If you answered D, you must work at the Wachusett Regional High School.

I love this place.

Congrats to the new parents

Kieran Patel is a week old. So this is a little late. But I've been sick, so lighten up.

Friday, March 07, 2008

I'm tired of awful movies

So I drove back from MD today and I'm quite tired. So for mindless entertainment, I popped in a movie from my Netflix queue. Next, with Nick Cage and Julianne Moore. This movie is heavy on the mindless part and really short on entertainment.

Oh, and for as awful as Cage is as usual, Moore is 10 times worse. Like turd sandwich bad. Like my eyes and ears are bleeding bad. I should eat this DVD so that no one needs to go through this pain.

That's really all. My friend Chuck told me not to watch this movie. I'm sorry Chuck. I should have listened.

Wait....this seriously got worse. A lot worse. How does a crappy movie have a worse ending? I wouldn't even eat this DVD. It's not fair to my stomach.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

Maryland or Bust!

Hey folks,

I'm off to Maryland for a week of intensive training by FEMA. No doubt that we will find Osama when I return. I'm up for it. So I might be blogging about the excitement of Maryland, and hopefully the weather will work out.

A few shout-outs this Saturday:

First to Mike Fitzgerald, or Fitzy. He's my brother's friend and by extension my friend. He is a big fan of this blog and it seems only fair to say hello and thank him for continuing to read this blog. He's hot and a fine man. And he cries when he laughs.

Next, a big 2-8 congratulations to Nate Mole, formerly Officer Mole. Soon to be Sergeant Mole. I never thought it would happen, but I'm very happy for him. May God have mercy on the City of New York.