Sunday, August 26, 2007

I'm going to join the priesthood

So in my never ending quest to find a mate, so I can procreate and eventually have my offspring take over this puny planet, I posed a personal ad on Craigslist. Here it is:

I promise not to ever use LOL - 30 (Somerville)

Reply to:
Date: 2007-08-24, 11:29PM EDT

Holy Crap, how is this so hard?

Let's see....I'm a 30 year old guy who is done with drama, and looking for adventure. I have a job I love that pays me okay but more importantly lets me sleep well at night. I have friends I love who I will fly anywhere for, and I love taking road trips, watching bad movies, and laughing with someone while refusing to get out of bed on a Sunday morning.

You ideally are in decent shape, are around my age, don't believe that typing OMG is professional. You like to read, and don't think that international destinations mean either Cancun or an island in the Caribbean. You should like your job, or at least be passionate about something. You don't have more than 10 cats. You will be able to get basic pop culture references, and you don't have Myspace as your homepage on your computer.

I'm not sure if all this makes sense. I'm just looking for a pretty, smart woman who likes to have a good time and isn't psycho. Barring this, I'm joining the priesthood.

Photos would be good.

I received three responses, my personal favorite was this one (Italics are mine):

From :
Re: CL Post
Thank goodness!
I think that all those acronyms are so tacky, not to mention very effeminate for a guy. I'm a woman and I would never use them! Okay....good start
OK, so now we're simpatico with that...Now let's see about the other stuff.
Not only do I love authentic travel ( probably like you, no Club Med, cruises (how can anyone call that travel?) or even Florida for that matter, but also love authentic food. No fast food (wait, that's an oxymoron!), no subs, soda, chain restaurants. etc. Are you still with me? Her dislike for sandwiches concerns me a little, but let's keep going....
I hate cats and love dogs and am very opinionated. I'm very feminine and also speak my mind, in an oh so ever diplomatic (wink) way... Right....good good.
OK, now the sticky stuff...Huh? Sticky stuff, what?
I'm married, happily so and have the OK to be doing something like this.Wait. What the fuckballs? Are you serious? We are very open and honest with each other. Let me know how you feel thus far. Thanks! How I feel? I feel like it's probably not going to work out.
Ciao for now...

So I wrote her back. Mostly out of morbid curiosity. I mean, does she want a threesome? I don't know what this all means. And my head hurt a bit. My response to her:
From: Me
To: Mrs. Psycho

Wait....I'm confused.

The sticky part is you're married? That seems a little more than sticky.

You said you have approval to do this? So it seems like you have an open marriage and what would you expect from me? I'm not working the camera. Did that once and it was bad. Too much zoom.

And finally, Mrs. Psycho's response to that:

I know, it sounds very suspect---at best. It definitely requires "thinking outside the box".
No, we’re not into 3somes or anything else. If you met me ---or us, you wouldn't get it. Yes we are happy and do love each other. However, I feel that I need more---a fun buddy to hang out with to do the things that my husband doesn’t like, such as dancing, which is my number one passion! I'm much more worldly and gregarious than he and just recently he has told me, "go out and have fun".
I am a very emotionally deep and socially conscious person who also happens to have a tremendous amount of positive emotional energy to share with people. OK, that just sounded very crunchy granola---believe me---I'm anything but!
Now what say you?

I give up. Seriously. I assumed I didn't have to put "Please don't be married on my personal ad." But as my old theater teacher told us, "Assumption is the mother of fuck up." Touche Mr. Gilbert. Touche.


Anonymous said...

Be honest:

Are you not at least considering it for the sex?

Oh. And I'm back to haunting your blog!

Anonymous said...

Hey if your not going to "think outside the box" I will. Please email me her information, she sounds Crazy, and I like Crazy!