Sunday, February 24, 2008

Being an adult isn't cheap

So tonight I was watching Asteroid on the Sci-Fi Channel and I also caught Jon Stewart's monologue from the Oscars. Both TV events were equally ridiculous. Asteroid as it centered around FEMA's response to an asteroid, which makes me laugh as I deal with FEMA all the time. And the FEMA I deal with is much more like this. Note: This is an actual document. I have a copy sitting above my computer.

And I'm tired of the Oscars. I think it's more tiring given the writer's strike. People, especially E!, were terrified that perhaps there could be a year without glitz and glamour. A.O. Scott has a decent article about a similar take. So bored with that, I decided to go grocery shopping, given that most of Cambridge would be glued to the TV.

I hit up the Shaw's and found plenty of spots, which is good because usually the Porter Square Shopping Center looks like the fall of Saigon. I've been trying to eat better. That is to say, not just buying lunch meats and beer, but trying for dinner and some sort of breakfast as well. And that apparently costs money. $102 to be precise. Olive oil was 12 bucks. Are you serious? I've also taken to looking at the calories on everything, which makes me feel like an idiot as I'm holding two different loaves of bread and staring at them.

And what the hell is up with jam? I was running out of strawberry jam for my PB&J. Because as we all know those who eat grape jelly want the terrorists to win. And I'm standing in front of a row of jars for like 5 minutes trying to figure out what the difference between Jam, Jelly, Preserves and Spreadable Fruit are. Are you fucking serious? I wanted to yell at the aisle, "Which one of you goes with the peanut butter and tastes delicious?" Because I'm sure that one of them causes cancer and I totally shouldn't buy. Cooking Light has the breakdown.
So it appears the only ones I don't want are fruit spread and possibly preserves. I settled on Jelly, though Jam looks to be the better choice.

I hate being an adult. I have no idea what kind of meat to buy unless it's sweet sausages or maybe chicken breasts. I bought a steak tonight which is probably the part of the cow that's between it's asshole and it's balls, but I have no idea as they don't say that. The package says "Flank" or "Ribeye." It never says "Taint of Cow" or "Worst piece of meat on animal." That's what I need. A grocery store for dummies. Not dummies who buy Goober Grape, those people should be rendered to Kazakhstan. I mean a place that asks you if you're really going to eat all those bananas before you buy them, or are they just going to turn brown in your fruit bowl of death. Or ask you if you have a pan that can cook that lasagna before you bring it home. That kind of store.

That's all. I now have to eat a lot, before a leave in a week for work.


Nicole said...

I'm almost speechless. Jam is always the way to go (fruit, but not too much fruit). Answering the "Did I just eat the taint?" question:,1976,FOOD_9956_2245424,00.html
You should start watching Good Eats- it has lots of nerdy food information that might help with your grocery store breakdowns.

boyski said...

fellah, the next time you go grocery shopping give me a call. I'll help you. Besides, I always wanted to see what the fall of saigon always looked like.....oh and go with the jam. try either raspberry or peach. good stuff....

The Ten Angry Men said...


Hero to the Masses said...

Thanks to Chuck and Nicole for your suggestions. Ten, I only use nutella in the bedroom. And that reminds me that I'm almost out.

Tory Davis said...

You sound like most of my clients. Do you not have my phone #, Cracker? I wish you'd've called, I could have walked you through it (while Jon Stewart was not on-screen, of course).
This is what the kids in LA pay me the big bucks for, and why I call myself the Kitchen Coach. I'm Queer Eye for the kitchen-challenged.
Soon my official website will be up, keep your eyes peeled!
PS- the area that I believe you referred to as the "taint" is actually called the perineum. And that only goes into sausage!

Hero to the Masses said...

Thanks Tor. I just feel shame about my ignorance. I'm going to post a video of my cooking skills shortly, if I can figure out how to make the movie.