A Tale of Two Buses

So this post will have me comparing and contrasting two bus lines. I had occasion to take the on a quick jaunt down to NYC recently and here is the update.

Ride Down:

Bolt Bus
Trip Cost: 18.00
Trip Duration: 5 hours

This is the new bus service that has been started by Greyhound. Shhhh. They don't want you to know it's them. And it promises new buses, fun drivers, free internet and extra room. Well, one out of 4 ain't bad.

The trip began at South Station, the bus terminal for Boston. And this is a bus terminal, filled with people who take the bus, which are the elderly, students, impoverished and mentally ill. The line for the bus queued up and I got my confirmation number which said I was to wait on line A. There was a Greyhound service booth right next to the gate and when people asked the guy wearing the "Ask me about Seat Upgrades!" button on his hat, he went into this whole "I only work here one day a week and no one tells me anything and Bolt Bus is controlled by the driver." Nice work Greyhound. Way to help out.

Get onto the bus and noticed the seats with extra room (for wheelchair passengers) had no power outlets, and I was planning on using the onboard wi-fi. So I sat in a normal seat. The outlet is in the seatback of the aisle seat. I had no seatmate, which is good as I imagine it's odd to have someone else's power adapter right in front of your nose. And let me speak on footrests for a second. You know when I want a footrest? When there's 2 feet of space in front of my feet, not 2 inches. When you don't have a lot of leg room, a foot rest is an obstruction and not a perk. I suppose those 4' asian ladies enjoy it, but me no likey.

The wi-fi didn't work, which didn't please the hipsters with their Iphones. Not at all. The driver said that she didn't know how to work the system. I'm sure that's not in the driver handbook. So here I am sitting in a normal seat, with no internet, and this bus is going slow. I think that Bolt is looking for drivers. And mine must have started a week ago. She didn't quite handle the accelerator with skill, preferring instead to speed up and then hit the brakes when she got going too fast. Everyone passed us. All the other bus companies laughing at us.

Oh! And then we stopped for a food/bathroom break. 20 miles down the goddamn Pike from Boston! What the? I mean if you want to use the toilet, go on the bus. And if you're hungry, then get food in Boston like I did.

Best part of the trip was when she made an announcement halfway through. "Attention passengers. We are going slowly when making left turns because something is wrong with the bus. Right turns are fine but I have to slow down making left turns because I don't want the bus to tip over." That's an exact quote. I was okay with this as I figure that the only thing slower than her driving would be her driving the bus on it's side.

So Bolt, I'll try MegaBus next time. But if that's no good, I'll stick with the bus I took on the way back. I did watch Glengarry on my laptop, which was the highlight of the trip. "What's my name? Fuck you, that's my name."

Ride Back:

LimoLiner
Duration: 4 hours
Cost: $89.00

So yes, I'm aware that this is $89.00. Which is a lot of money for a bus. It's 5 times more than the BoltBus. But let's look at the differences.

• The bus attendant served me a turkey sandwich and then an apple later in the trip. On Bolt I had tuna sandwich that I bought at Cosi. And then it squirted out the bottom and landed all over my shirt. So I looked like a mentally ill bus patron.
  
• The driver seeing traffic on the Deegan, got off and took the service road which made me so happy I wanted to hug him. There's a sign against that though.
• I watched an awful movie called Invasion, which is the remake of Body Snatchers with Nicole Kidman. Blech. Not Limoliner's fault, but they changed the ending and I was not happy. Bolt wins here only because I made the call on the flick. And hearing Jack Lemmon use the words "cocksucker" just makes me smile.
  
• And finally, there was functioning internet which means mobile blog posting and Johnny Cash listening.
  
• There are footrests that I can use as there is plenty of legroom.
  

So while it's expensive, they know their business and it's super comfy. Amtrak costs at least $85 one way with no internet or food and plenty of delays. It's $200 r/t if you want to take the Acela. The plane is around $240 r/t. And a tank of gas is around $85 for me right now. So this is less expensive than all those options and I get to relax and do work or not.

As a civil servant, the only first class options I get are the bus. It's a sad statement really.

Where'd he go?

So I was a faithful blogger my whole time down in Paraguay and then I sort of fell off. This happens when things life and laundry get in the way. But how do I not sum up the end of the trip.

So flew business class from Buenos Aires to Miami for a total of 9 hours in heaven. AA is very proud of their new business class. You can see their gushing publicity for it here. Now, the entertainment was broken for a few hours and my reading light didn't work. I find that nowadays when things like this happen, they don't fix them. They instead "reset" the system over and over until it works or not. I don't call this a solution as it seems like something I could do.

However, my biggest distress was that they ran out of the pumpkin risotto. I opted for the lamb with a glass of Malbec. Now mind you that this is a red-eye, so I really just wanted to sleep. At 6'4" the whole extra room thing is a premium. So, here I am pushing the button making the seat lie-flat. Here's what the seat looks like. So now I'm lying flat and it turns out I end up tossing and turning as much as I did in the exit row on the way down. It felt like sleeping in a coffin. I also don't sleep on my back which I think is the way to sleep. So it was not the 8 hours of good sleep I had hoped for, but it was worth it for the service. I have to work on that when traveling to Hong Kong to visit the brother.

So I made it to Miami and my luggage went to Chicago. Though it's not AA's fault, but Tam. Tam is perhaps the worst airline in the Americas. The AA luggage guy was all "Maybe it made the connection and just got put somewhere" and then he saw the Tam baggage claim and actually laughed. I have a thought with lost luggage. I think you should get frequent flier miles for wherever your bag goes. I bet that would stop my bag being sent all over creation.

While at Miami, hung out at the Admirals Club, waiting for the connection. If you fly at least 6 times a year, these clubs are awesome. They offer a haven from the screaming masses. I took a shower at the Miami Admirals Club. That was better than sex.

So I'm back and catching up on all sorts of stuff. Hope all is well with my 4 readers out there.

Sweet Baby Jesus

If I have one more piece of meat I might explode.

Bonus points for hearing Neil Diamond telling me that Love on the Rocks ain´t no big surprise this morning as I´m eating breakfast in the hotel lobby.

Buenos Dias

Today, I was on Paraguayan TV. I´m not sure what I said, though I was mindful of international incidents. We were in a city to discuss their preparations for a religious walk in December. And as the leader of this band of raggamuffins, I was chosen to speak.

I have no photos as my camera sucks and therefore I´m waiting for the pictures from my friend´s camera. I´d have no way to download them anyway. Paraguay lost to Bolivia in soccer tonight 4-2, which was heartbreaking for me as a true Paraguayan. They just didn´t have it tonight.

Tomorrow night our interpreter is playing salsa music with his band and we´re going to check it out. Buenos suenos.

I´m sure I screwed that up.

I love this place

So I´m here and well. We had a productive day at work with my counterparts from Paraguay. Yesterday afternoon was the big soccer game between Paraguay and Brazil. So we found ourselves yesterday at a shopping mall across the street from our hotel to watch the game. We made it to the food court on the second floor and it was packed with people waiting for the game to start. Fast forward an hour after some beers and screaming for Paraguay along with hundreds of fans and it was kind of surreal.

But awesome. The people here are very nice and I can sort of speak their language. Sort of. I get into trouble by myself, though they encourage me to give it a shot. And it is the only way I´ll learn.

I´ve eaten more meat in the last 2 days than the previous 2 months. Mucho carne. Off to bed as there´s an early morning tomorrow.

God Bless the Admiral's Club

So I'm in Buenos Aires, and let me tell you one thing. This airport takes the Sao Paulo Airport out into the street, kicks it's ass and then humiliates it in front of a woman. This was a much better idea to come through here. And I'm lucky enough to be in the Admiral's Club, which is the American Airlines lounge, and so I scored again.

Didn't sleep much on the flight. My neck is killing me and I'm already practicing my spanish. Now if I can survive the next flight, I'll be on the ground in Paraguay. Though with Tam, you never know.

Bon Voyage

Aiight. I'm blowing this pop stand. I'm flying out of Boston at around 2 for my trip down to Paraguay. As usual, I was frantically packing this morning. I couldn't find my camera, so I'm bringing my older one. And I have no one to blame but myself.

I'll see about writing quick things from down there. I'm excited.

I'm legit

So it's been hot up in Boston, and in an effort to push my toned body to the limit, I went running yesterday. It was uncomfortable to say the least, but it was good to clear the head and hear the loud super-fast beeping of my heart monitor. I learned a valuable lesson yesterday:

Serious runners don't run in boxer shorts.

I figured this out as I've always run in boxer shorts. If you saw me running, given my outfit, you probably wouldn't even think I was out for a run. You might think I was being chased by one of those early model zombies that walked stiffly. I wear a t-shirt, cotton shorts, sneakers and crew socks. (Thank God I learned not to wear the athletic socks) But the boxer shorts are not conducive to running as most of you probably know.

So, I walked to City Sports, which is a great local chain around here. I told the clerk that I realized that boxers were not the way to go, and she suggested compression shorts. Which are these:

Now obviously, I wouldn't be caught dead in those. I explained perhaps there was something that wouldn't require me to stuff a baked potato into before I go out. She then showed me the running shorts section. These have mesh underwear built inside them. Ahhh....clever. I get it.
However the first pair I looked at were this length:


What the hell is wrong with you people? I'm only trying to stay in shape, not audition for back-up dancer for the Pet Shop Boys. She asked what color I preferred. I told her the way I l looked when I ran it really didn't matter. It's not like any color is going to clash with a wheezing sweaty giant careening from one side of the street to the next. No hot women are going to pass by that guy and think first, "The green was a great color. Brought out his eyes."

So I found a longer length, and got black and blue pairs for a total of $60.

I spent $60 on running shorts. The world is clearly coming to an end. I'm going to try them out tomorrow as today was beyond hot.

Shazbot it's hot.

I actually found myself saying that and then laughing out loud in public. Points to those who know where that first word comes from.

So, this weekend saw me visiting old friends. The oldest was my high school friend Sam and his wife Lizzie. Lizzie is now a Doctor, but hopefully means she won't insist on being called "Tha Doc" like Nichols. So good seeing them. Finally watched The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. The movie is almost as long as the title, but good soundtrack and a nice job from Casey Affleck which shows where the talent went in that family.

Saturday saw me down in Poughkeepsie, NY to celebrate the nuptials of one Brian Couse. It basically consisted of seeing all the guys from the firehouse, swimming in the pool and drinking a lot of domestic light beer. Oh, and making fun of Dave Roberts Jr. I was a volunteer firefighter in college for two years. Two long grueling years where they called me gay and forced me to play drinking games. But I gained their trust and became a man in the process. And got fat off beer and wings from this place. Walking into that place was like a time capsule. The owner who I haven't seen in 9 years still knew my name. I think that's a sign that there's not a lot of turnover there.

This morning I was up and out by 7AM to get to the MA National Guard HQ for my Yellow Fever vaccine. I leave for Paraguay next Saturday, and apparently the yellow fever went urban there, which isn't so hot. But I got a shot, which is good. However it takes 10 days to become effective and I leave in 6. I've eaten White Castle hamburgers at 4AM, my system can handle anything a mosquito dishes out.

I gotta tell you, this air conditioning thing is awesome. I know I'm killing the earth and polar bears are being stranded, but hot damn this is the only way to live. If polar bears were the dominant species, I think I'd be reasonable about this.

Two random movie notes:
1) Don't go see Golden Compass. Chuck made me watch it and it has no ending.

2) How does Marvel just get to re-issue the Hulk movie after 5 years. That's like releasing Finding Nemo again and hoping people won't remember. Though half the audience was probably 4 when the first one came out and don't.

Hair Cut

So I've been a little remiss in blogging recently. A bunch of stuff happened...

• I've got Athlete's Foot. Which figures, the first time I've been associated with anything athletic and it involves a fungus. Good news is that they make an ointment for it. Bad news is it's the same ointment that you apply for jock itch. Meaning that when I was at CVS, it was a little embarassing evaluating the efficacy of the ointment vs. the spray while women walk by and no doubt think awful things.
  
• Harvey Korman died last week. He's been in a bunch of movies, but I'll always remember him from Blazing Saddles. He played Hedley Lamarr. God he was funny. That movie was funny.
  
• Oh, and this awesome lobster spot burned to the ground in Downtown Boston. James Hook and Company. A funky ramshackle building bookended by the new Intercontinental Hotel and the Coast Guard Boston offices. They had great lobster rolls. Good news is that they've vowed to rebuild. My friend Tom turned me on to them.
  

So I'm waiting for a haircut at this place. It's pretty cool and they have internet which allows me to blog while I wait. I'm either the coolest guy you know or a Level 9 Dungeon Master. I need to get my summer cut. Hopefully I don't turn out like this guy.

Thank God Tomorrow is Friday

Today was a little tough at work. Tomorrow will be tougher, but then the weekend will come. There's a dog in my apartment. My roommate's Dad apparently needed him to dog sit a french poodle for the weekend. I'm going to spend the next 4 days trying to teach this regal beast to grab a beer from the fridge and bring it to me.

So, in other news, meet this guy....


He apparently posted a classified of himself on the NYC Craigslist site with these words, "Mr. Right Iz Here Waitin on U." He then included a bunch of photos, one of which is above. This guy apparently thought the 4 million women in the Naked City would swoon. The site Gawker found it and shared it with the peoples. He then called the Gawker offices to complain that those "photos was mines." Enter Fark.

For those that have never been to Fark.com, it's basically a site that has odd news stories on the left of the page, with a funny caption, and then the comments. The comments are generally some of the funniest you will ever see. Feel free to peruse the site above, but I've linked the comments about this story here. Enjoy.

This speaks to the Harlem in me

If you're from NYC or know it well, these two guys do a good job breaking down the ubiquitous check cashing empire.

Favorite line: "What were you going to do with those 9 cents anyway?"

Hey there

I'm sure many of you have fallen asleep waiting for an update. Some of you perhaps were concerned I was kidnapped by radical Mormons, while others might have thought I joined Erik Estrada in Arkansas.

The actual sequence of events was:
30th Reunion of college a cappella group
FEMA conference in Emmitsburg, MD
Wedding for good friend in CT.

It was all a good time, though when someone asked what I thought of the FEMA week I remarked that old line about feeling like a mushroom. They kept us in the dark and fed us a lot of shit. But the good parts were had in the interaction between the states. A really nice bunch of people.

In my day or two at home between these activities I found out that my heart rate monitor arrived from Woot. This will allow me to maximize my workouts, or allow me to predict my impending death in a more accurate way. The set up looks like this:
Except for the fact mine has a watch with a readout for your heart rate and this guy is totally a sex offender. (Thanks Rowsport.com for the image.) So I went running and the idea is to stay in the target heart rate. So I hear the thing beeping for the whole 3 mile or so run and it's flashing. I think this means that I'm below my target heart rate so I push on harder.

It's important at this time to point out that I have mistaken the target heart rate for the maximum heart rate, so basically I'm willing my ventricles to explode. I come back and the watch tells me dutifully that I spent 28 minutes of the 30 minute run above my target, and the beeping is apparently an alarm to let you know to dial it down a notch. Good to know. I looked like I was being chased I'm sure. By slow zombies. I have lost close to 20 pounds in the past year though.

Hope everyone else had a nice weekend.

Irony thy name is family

So I come home today and I find an Amazon box. It wasn't my Heart Monitor I had ordered for running as that just shipped, so I knew it was either a mistake or a gift. Well, it was a gift either way. It was a gift. A book. From my Dad and step-mother, Susan. The book is called Walking on Eggshells: Navigating the Delicate Relationship between Adult Children and Parents. That's fine. Parents send their kids books all the time. The book apparently has gotten good reviews.

It was the note that they wrote in the text box that came written on the packing slip. (Clears throat)

Susan met Isay yesterday (the author) and thought she was so good that we are giving this to some of our friends who have real issues, but thought we could all learn something. Love, J&S

Okay, so it's obvious that this book was sent as a gift to more than just me. I don't know much about this whole family psychology thing, but something tells me that if you're sending a book like this to your adult children you probably don't want to tell them you're doing it because they have "real issues." But that's just me.

It did make for a good laugh. And yes, I'll read the book. Hope everyone's Wednesday is going swimmingly.

Huh

I just want to point out that if you google "Civil Servant" that this site is on the first page. The bottom, but still the first page.

Soon the ads will start and then I'm going to retire filthy rich. Or I'll just keep writing this so my family and 7 friends can find out what is going on in my life.

This game will be the death of me

So what do you do on a rainy weekend in Boston. Well, if you have Grand Theft Auto IV, you play it a lot. I'm from NYC as most know and that's the setting for the game. They spent a lot of time making it really realistic. I just got access to Manhattan in the game, so I've enjoyed exploring the old haunts. They even included Harlem Hospital, god bless their hearts. Here's actual game footage from a helicopter you can "borrow."

And when I wasn't doing that, I was reading The Power Broker, which is only 1344 pages. But a great read if you want to know more about Robert Moses. The guy did a lot, but really comes off as a complete prick.

Finally tonight I went to the grocery store, which means it's time for this weeks grocery oddity. You'll recall that last time it was the Kraft Bagelful, which is the toastable bagel that has cream cheese inside. I'd give that product a B. And today I chose for my dining pleasure...

Jimmy Dean's mini sausages wrapped in small blueberry pancakes. I originally wanted to go for the pancake wrapped sausage on a stick. Sort of a breakfast corn dog, but I thought I would have gotten funny looks from the girl buying steamed frozen veggies next to me. Not like the mini sausages are better for you. I will review those early this week.

It's like playing a Scorcese movie

So I may or may not have waited on line at midnight to buy Grand Theft Auto 4.

And I may or may not have played it until 3AM, leaving around 4 hours for sleep.

And if I didn't have a meeting tomorrow, I might have called in sick.

But make no mistake about this, it's the most beautiful and awesome game experience I've had. Wow.

I think there's something in my eye

So my step-mother passed along this incredible article about a woman teaching a terminally ill deaf child with Downs in Pittsburgh. And that woman happens to be married to my brother in Pittsburgh.

Nice job sister. Love you and incredibly proud of you.

There's some great photos of her with Sarah, the little girl here.

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On the Job: Student's illness changes teacher's lessons

By Allison M. Heinrichs
TRIBUNE-REVIEW
Monday, April 28, 2008

Buzz up!

Malkah Bird has taught mentally challenged children to tell time, use sign language and count money.

But when one of her students developed a deadly cancer, Bird began teaching her most difficult lesson.

"I never would have guessed at the beginning of the year that the big umbrella concept we're going to work on is what happens when your friend gets sick," said Bird, who teaches special education at the Western Pennsylvania School for the Deaf. "I've never taught this lesson before, so we're all learning together."

Bird, 29, is in her second year with the Edgewood school. It's a career path she never imagined she'd take

Shortly after graduating with a degree in geology from Smith College in western Massachusetts, Bird was accepted to Teach for America, a program that recruits high-scoring recent college graduates to teach in underprivileged areas.

She was sent to the Navajo Indian Reservation in New Mexico and, for two years, taught a class of mentally challenged teen boys whom other teachers had labeled "impossible."

Many of the children couldn't speak and would get frustrated because Bird didn't understand what they wanted. So she taught them -- and herself -- some sign language.

"A whole new world opened up," she said. "Suddenly they had this ability to communicate."

Inspired, Bird went to the University of Pittsburgh to earn a master's degree in deaf education and started teaching middle school at the Western Pennsylvania School for the Deaf.

Although most children at the school are as intelligent as any hearing child, Bird decided to continue teaching mentally challenged students.

"Everyone has a calling in life, and this is Malkah's," said Donald Mazreku, assistant principal in the middle school. "The students she works with have multiple disabilities and, where some may view that as a challenge, Malkah is a person who perceives it as an opportunity."

Bird's goal is to help the children become functioning members of society, teaching them to count money, tell time, make food and do laundry.

"Who's to say that what they have to contribute to society isn't just as important as what I contribute?" Bird said. "Every human deserves the opportunity to feel successful."

Sarah Richardson, 15, of Wilkins is one of Bird's students. A strong-willed girl who loves candy and the Disney princesses, Sarah was born with Down syndrome and diagnosed with autism four years ago.

"She's brilliant with any kind of matching or shapes," Bird said.

In February, Sarah was diagnosed with a rare cancer that caused her left thigh to swell to three times its normal size. She was admitted to Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh in Oakland.

"That day, when I told Malkah that Sarah had cancer, she came down here and was waiting for me in the emergency room," said Sarah's mother, Denise Richardson. "We call her Malkah-mom."

Because the cancer has spread to Sarah's lungs, doctors consider her terminally ill. Denise Richardson isn't sure her daughter will be alive for her 16th birthday May 29.

The school rearranged class schedules for Bird and fellow teacher Sally Wellman so they could spend a few hours every week tutoring Sarah. Even on days she isn't scheduled to teach, Bird visits Sarah, who is in hospice care at The Children's Institute in Squirrel Hill.

On a recent visit, Sarah tried to match shapes through a morphine haze and the distracting tickle of her strawberry-blond hair falling out when she suddenly scrunched up her face and started to cry.

Tears sprang to Denise Richardson's eyes as Bird stopped the lesson to cup Sarah's face in her hands and kiss her forehead.

"That is what's hardest for me," Denise Richardson said. "How do you watch your little girl in so much pain?"

To prepare Sarah's classmates for their friend's death, Bird and the other teachers explain daily that Sarah is very sick. Bird created a fundraiser called "Steps for Sarah" and her students have walked 100 miles and raised $2,000 to help Sarah's family.

"Just as with every other teacher that I have seen in that school, Malkah has a love for her students," said John Irwin, who is the father of Nathan, 15, one of Sarah's classmates. "It's exemplified in how she, and everyone at the school, has rallied around Sarah Richardson and her family."

Bird said there is value in teaching any child, even one with terminal cancer.

"In the beginning we continued teaching Sarah, I think, because we saw that she was bored," Bird said. "But now it's more. Just like anybody, if you have a reason to fight, you fight."

Celebrate Good Times

First, to all Knick fans, Christmas came early last week. I was so happy to see this happen, but sadly he was in for far too long. Apparently that internet petition I signed last year did some good. I'm kind of a big deal.

In other news, I went to North Adams, MA for work today. If you don't know where that is, it's here.


View Larger Map

I could have spat on both New York and Vermont. Yeah, its far. And the best part is getting to drive out there through all these smaller towns, like Charlemont, Florida, Peru and Savoy. Massachusetts isn't a very large state, but there are very different parts of it. While it can be a total pain in the ass to get to some of them, it's always fascinating to me to drive through it and watch it all change outside the window.

Finally, congrats to my friends Lisa, Anne and Jodi on running and completing the Boston Marathon. You ran 26.2 miles in an event that caused the original participant to die. You are very impressive.

Assorted Ramblings

Let's see....
(Photo courtesy of Michael Carter)

We start with the recently announced merger of Delta and Northwest Airlines. Ramblings doesn't really care that much about this. Delta has decent sized operations from Logan, but nowhere near as big as they promised. Though, if approved, it does mean fewer carriers which in case you've been drinking the Kool-Aid means higher ticket prices. Which is not good, but understandable considering the high oil prices. If you're dying to know more about the new airline, they made a website which is filled with unhelpful stuff that flacks wrote in a hurry.

And much more importantly, I found a pair of black dress shoes that I ordered from Kenneth Cole. They are shown here:

Now you'll notice one thing about them. They have no laces. For some I know this is no big deal, but I'm old fashioned about these things. I don't do sandals at all, I prefer shoes that lace in a straight forward no nonsense way. Hell, even my Merrells were a big deal at the time. So I know I'm joining my metrosexual brother on the dark side, so we'll see when they get there. The ones that I wanted with laces were only in sizes Gary Coleman and John Holmes, so no dice.

Finally, I found an occupational safety video from the Canadian version of OSHA. So I'm watching this video here, the first one.

And this is what goes through my head.

"Oh hello. You can make me breakfast in be...

Huh? Well that seems rather...

AAAHH What the fu$k is going on? I will never cook again!"

I call the Canadians pansies, but the people that make their PSAs have no sense of humor, unlike the wacky Germans. (Note: Wait for it....wait for it...)

Postal Service employs Dobermans to deliver mail

Dear Netflix,

A few weeks ago I was told by you that you had shipped Stalag 17. This the WW2 German prison camp thriller which I have not seen. I did not receive it. I waited and then started to accuse. I thought that perhaps my upstairs neighbor who also gets Netflix had taken it by mistake, and then thought he was a thief. I checked to see if my roommate was using it as a coaster, but no. So, I sent an e-mail saying it hadn't come, and you shipped one out. No doubt you were thinking that I had wondered down to the local Blockbuster and tried to sell them my copy.

Vindication came two weeks later when I received this in the mail.
Some of you may recognize this envelope. It's the one they send to you, when something went wrong somewhere along the postal journey. Possible things that could have gone wrong?

• The automatic machine they use ate it.
• A dog ate it.
• It was used for scrap paper to take lunch orders for the midnight shift at SCF Boston.
  
• A letter carrier did horrible, unspeakable things to it.

In any event, your letter or postal item got trashed and they put it in a protective plastic sheath and drop it off. I like the "We Care" part. No you don't. How do you know that wasn't a letter containing my birthday money from Grandma, or Red Sox home opener tickets? It should say "We're Sorry." Seems only fair.

So I open the sheath and find this:
Netflix, as you know, this is the front of your envelope. I blanked out my address so that my female blog fans wouldn't stalk me (or that people would order pizzas to my house.) So the question is, where is the DVD? I have this image that it went home embedded in some poor bastard's head after the sorting machine shot it out like a discus. I hope this is not the case, as that guy is probably watching Stalag 17 and drooling due to the blunt brain trauma.

So all this is to say Netflix is that I'm not a thief and I have proof.

Thank you.

P.S. I know some people that work at this facility and they're all really nice. So I'm not insulting the work of the largest employer in the country. Please don't do unspeakable things to my mail. Except the credit card offers. Make them cry.

Charlton Heston: 1924-2008

Good night Chuck Heston, where ever you are.

Turn Alone into Opportunity

So I was walking back from dinner tonight and had a brilliant idea.

It started a week ago when two things happened. My Mom asked me "was there anyone special I'd like to bring to Easter dinner?" That answer was no. And I got a wedding invitation and my friend Mikie asked if I had gotten a Plus 1. And I replied that I didn't think so, but it didn't matter because I wouldn't have brought someone anyway.

So does everyone know how emissions trading works? Basically two companies purchase permits to pollute and one needs to be able to pollute more, while the other doesn't, so they trade the credits to make it all equal. There's a much less awful explanation here. But I have come up with a new idea.

Plus 1 Trading

Think about it. A plus one is basically a nod that says "You're so close to me, you can bring anyone you damn well please." The invite for just you solo says either this wedding is really small or we're not that close, dog. So being a handsome likeable guy, I get a bunch of invitations with a +1. However, also being that I'm apparently incapable of a relationship of any length, they often go to waste. In my scenario everyone wins.

See, the people getting married don't really care if their good friends finds some nice girl to bring. He's probably going to just hit on the bridesmaids anyway. But they wanted to give him the +1 because they like him and hope he one day finds someone nice. But they have a cap of 150 people and to be honest they really don't care who comes with who, as long as they're under the cap.

So, how it would work, would be through a website. You know how you go to the Bridal Registry page on Target or Macy's? Well there would be a site called Wedding+1.com. And you look up the wedding you're going to. As the emotional cripple who can never find anyone, you put your +1 up for sale. And the dashing good looking guy who's a dick, but finds girls that like him, manages to score his latest piece of arm candy an invite.

I think the rules would be:

Cash Bar

Hot Asshole buys drinks all night for Emotional Cripple and takes care of cab ride back to hotel. If there is doubt about whether Hot Asshole is complete asshole, then you work out a system with drink tickets at the start of the night to insure that dude doesn't go missing while you're parched.

Open Bar

Here is the genius. For the weddings with open bar or for those weddings where scoring a +1 is almost impossible, like the Obama-Clinton second wedding, we go to the Single Guy Registry. And it is exactly what it sounds like. A list of items that you decide you want to fill up your single guy homestead. You put up your +1 for items such as:

• Neon Beer Sign
• Foosball Table
• Velvet Painting of Dogs Playing Poker
• Kegerator
• Premium Adult Movies
• And on and on and on

To be honest, I think this is brilliance. Everyone leaves happy. Sure, I'd still be no closer to a girlfriend, but I'd be able to think about how to get one while playing on my new pool table. I'm sure pulling a cold beer out of a free kegerator might go a little ways to ease my pains.

WOW: Weekend of Wire

So what does one do on a nice beautiful Saturday in Boston?

Well, if your friend's wife lets him get HBO on Demand and that means he has Season 5 of The Wire expiring in two days, you sit in front of the TV. We watched Season 5 in one sitting, save getting up to get chinese food and use the bathroom. It's no wonder I'm single. 11 hours of TV goodness.

And sweet baby Jesus was it good. Now I can talk to all of you who had the gag order in place about the final season. I won't spoil it for my tens of readers. Suffice it to say, you hear from a lot of old friends and it cleans up nicely. That show is a damned work of art. And while some people seem to think that it's popularity is due to the fact that people want to believe it's authentic, I can only say what I know. I wasn't a drug dealer or a newspaper reporter or a teacher, but as a former cop, that shit is real. They got that part down, which tells me they probably have a good handle on the rest of it.

I'll miss the show, but I'm glad it went out on top. David Simon, I'd let you be on top.

Please God let this piece of yellow journalism be true

The University of Tennessee has come out with the results of a survey that say that hot women who marry average looking guys tend to have happier marriages. The UT group tends to conclude that those more homely of my gender tend to work harder to please a sex kitten.

Hear that ladies? That's the sound of me holding the door open for you, wondering how the hell I got so lucky date a supermodel. Looks are fading. Blind subservience is for life.

The article is here.

Hat tip to Fark.com for the find.

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter all! My roommate and I toyed with the idea of me sealing myself in the study, which is like 4 feet by 7 feet, on Friday. I'd live off a diet of beer, Pringles and spotty internet service. Then Sunday, he'd remove the plastic wrap and I'd be reborn. Then I'd walk outside touching people.

It was that last part that was the least worked out of the whole plan.

So tomorrow is Monday. This week is going to be a loong one at work. And so in order to prepare myself for it, I'd like to share a little bit of humor. My favorite part is when he tells the girls to dance. Oh, and this is a real commercial too.



Oh, and big congratulations are in order to the Wildcats of Davidson. They beat Georgetown today to advance to the Sweet 16. It would be like Vassar beating Michigan, pretty much. One of my oldest friends went there and I'm sure she's super happy tonight. And drunk.

Shipoopi everybody.

Miércoles

So not much to report on today, some remainders if you will.  

• 10% of the Ten Angry Men has a new blog about his experience as a Boston kid living in the United Arab Emirates for work.  It's worth a read.  Good stuff.  
• Had the new Prime Rib Ranchero from Quizno's yesterday.  I think it was Michael Clark Duncan's sweet voice that inspired me.  Verdict: While I can't find a photo online, its bursting with meat in the pictures.  In reality, it looked like Nell Carter was inside the toasting oven sitting on it.  Pass.  Especially for $6 for a small.  
• I was teaching class today, which means I had to reschedule the Yellow Fever Vaccine that I'm supposed to be getting now that Urban Yellow Fever has been identified in Asuncion, Paraguay.  I'm guessing that Children's Hospital won't want my blood when I get back so I should give 3 pints next time I go.  I was told by the two guys from my agency who did get the injection that the needle is big and they give it in your ass.  I call bullshit, but I'll let you know in April when I get it.  

And finally, for those of you who know my former career in New York City, I loooooved this article.  Jack Maple is rolling in his grave.  You can't make this stuff up.  Seriously.  

Erin Go Bragh

Greetings Sports Fans, 

I just viewed Michael Clayton, which I enjoyed very much.  There were three actors nominated for Oscars in it.  Tilda Swinton (supporting), for the big corporation's chief counsel.  Tom Wilkinson (supporting), the batshit attorney. And finally George Clooney, the protagonist And of the three of them, Swinton won.  I'm not sure why.  I mean Clooney was Clooney so that's not hard to figure out.  But Swinton was on the screen for not a very long time and didn't blow me away.  

What I did enjoy was the feel of the movie and the pace.  And the credits.  Now mostly the credits are where I jump up and eject the Netflix disc, or try and get busy with the girl I've been plotting to make out with since the beginning of the movie.  But in this case, the credits end with him (Clooney) taking a cab ride through midtown during the day.  There is something cool about watching him just sitting there, the camera focused on a guy in the backseat that seemed to be a good place for the movie to end.  

You know how at the end of the roller coaster there's that long stretch where the air brakes come on and you get to yell at each other "Awesome!" or "Let's go again!" or "Mrs. Hansen, Tommy got stung by a bee and dropped his Epi-pen on that last loop."  I think that part of the ride is like the credits in a powerful movie.  They allow you to sit there and take it in, before getting up and getting back to reality.  And I liked the way the director here chose to do it.  Well played.  

Calling all teachers....

First I wanted to point out a new documentary called Rubber Room. When NYC teachers are accused of something they are relieved of their teaching duties and forced to sit in a room until the department charges pending them are founded or not. This can take weeks, months, in some cases over a year. So there are full grown teachers who sit in a room and do nothing.

I understand this though. When I was a cop, if someone made an allegation against me, I was placed on modified duty, which means you get your gun taken from you while they check it out. It never happened to me, but I knew guys that would get into fights with their wives/girlfriends/baby mommas and the women would make an allegation. Usually the cops would work in the courts. They handle some of the intake pre-arraignment, before Corrections takes over. But they got to do work and get a check until the investigation was complete.

The schools have nothing else for these teachers to do, so they make them sit in a room. What seems absurd makes sense. You should pay them because the charges haven't been proven, but you don't want to see the headlines if you pay them to sit at home. Maybe they could make Department of Ed sweatshirts or something. At any rate, the trailer for the documentary is here.

And finally in this category, lemme pose a question to all of you.

You're chaperoning a high school field trip to Italy for Model UN. The night before you are supposed to all fly home one of the girls loses her passport in a taxi. Do you:

A) Call the Superintendant or Principal and be guided by his or her instructions?

B) Use the photocopy of the passport to get the student onto the plane?

C) Stay behind while it gets sorted out while the other chaperone takes the rest of the kids home?

D) Shove some foreign currency in the girl's hand, point her in the direction of the consulate, and get on the plane with the other kids and the other chaperone, leaving her to fend for herself?

If you answered D, you must work at the Wachusett Regional High School.

I love this place.

Congrats to the new parents

Kieran Patel is a week old. So this is a little late. But I've been sick, so lighten up.

I'm tired of awful movies

So I drove back from MD today and I'm quite tired. So for mindless entertainment, I popped in a movie from my Netflix queue. Next, with Nick Cage and Julianne Moore. This movie is heavy on the mindless part and really short on entertainment.

Oh, and for as awful as Cage is as usual, Moore is 10 times worse. Like turd sandwich bad. Like my eyes and ears are bleeding bad. I should eat this DVD so that no one needs to go through this pain.

That's really all. My friend Chuck told me not to watch this movie. I'm sorry Chuck. I should have listened.

Wait....this seriously got worse. A lot worse. How does a crappy movie have a worse ending? I wouldn't even eat this DVD. It's not fair to my stomach.

Maryland or Bust!

Hey folks,

I'm off to Maryland for a week of intensive training by FEMA. No doubt that we will find Osama when I return. I'm up for it. So I might be blogging about the excitement of Maryland, and hopefully the weather will work out.

A few shout-outs this Saturday:

First to Mike Fitzgerald, or Fitzy. He's my brother's friend and by extension my friend. He is a big fan of this blog and it seems only fair to say hello and thank him for continuing to read this blog. He's hot and a fine man. And he cries when he laughs.

Next, a big 2-8 congratulations to Nate Mole, formerly Officer Mole. Soon to be Sergeant Mole. I never thought it would happen, but I'm very happy for him. May God have mercy on the City of New York.

Waka has the Campys

I love this kid....

There's a hole in my pants

And it's not where you think it is. I know. I was as shocked as you were. It's on my knee. And when I say pants, I mean plural. Like I have this same problem on about 4 or 5 pairs of slacks, which is kind of a bummer as they're fine apart from that. Oh, it looks like this.
That is my sexy knee right there. So I have a hypothesis as to how this happens. When I drive, which is every day 50 miles round trip, I have an automatic. As such, my left leg has very little to do. So I seem to bend it and the crease tends to be right where these holes are popping up. What's that you say? A close up of my pasty knee? Okay...I can do that.
So I need to go pants shopping. Any suggestions on more durable pants? This stuff really only happens to me.

Oh, and for my friends and family in PA. Your state just became the most awesome place to live.

This blog is even worse on video

So my friend Tory made an insightful comment that the only food you eat that actually comes from the area between the asshole and the testicles is in sausage. So what did I have last night? You got it. I made a very small movie, which is not very good. And it's brevity betrays the fact that it took forever to put together. I now have complete appreciation for Waka and his Lunchbox. So here is my first attempt at showing you my dinner. I think this might be an occasional feature here.


Oh, and it's super early. But this is what time you need to get up to be in Springfield by 7. I tell you, the state gets my dedication for a bargain.

Being an adult isn't cheap

So tonight I was watching Asteroid on the Sci-Fi Channel and I also caught Jon Stewart's monologue from the Oscars. Both TV events were equally ridiculous. Asteroid as it centered around FEMA's response to an asteroid, which makes me laugh as I deal with FEMA all the time. And the FEMA I deal with is much more like this. Note: This is an actual document. I have a copy sitting above my computer.

And I'm tired of the Oscars. I think it's more tiring given the writer's strike. People, especially E!, were terrified that perhaps there could be a year without glitz and glamour. A.O. Scott has a decent article about a similar take. So bored with that, I decided to go grocery shopping, given that most of Cambridge would be glued to the TV.

I hit up the Shaw's and found plenty of spots, which is good because usually the Porter Square Shopping Center looks like the fall of Saigon. I've been trying to eat better. That is to say, not just buying lunch meats and beer, but trying for dinner and some sort of breakfast as well. And that apparently costs money. $102 to be precise. Olive oil was 12 bucks. Are you serious? I've also taken to looking at the calories on everything, which makes me feel like an idiot as I'm holding two different loaves of bread and staring at them.

And what the hell is up with jam? I was running out of strawberry jam for my PB&J. Because as we all know those who eat grape jelly want the terrorists to win. And I'm standing in front of a row of jars for like 5 minutes trying to figure out what the difference between Jam, Jelly, Preserves and Spreadable Fruit are. Are you fucking serious? I wanted to yell at the aisle, "Which one of you goes with the peanut butter and tastes delicious?" Because I'm sure that one of them causes cancer and I totally shouldn't buy. Cooking Light has the breakdown.
So it appears the only ones I don't want are fruit spread and possibly preserves. I settled on Jelly, though Jam looks to be the better choice.

I hate being an adult. I have no idea what kind of meat to buy unless it's sweet sausages or maybe chicken breasts. I bought a steak tonight which is probably the part of the cow that's between it's asshole and it's balls, but I have no idea as they don't say that. The package says "Flank" or "Ribeye." It never says "Taint of Cow" or "Worst piece of meat on animal." That's what I need. A grocery store for dummies. Not dummies who buy Goober Grape, those people should be rendered to Kazakhstan. I mean a place that asks you if you're really going to eat all those bananas before you buy them, or are they just going to turn brown in your fruit bowl of death. Or ask you if you have a pan that can cook that lasagna before you bring it home. That kind of store.

That's all. I now have to eat a lot, before a leave in a week for work.

Your Batshit Video of the Day

While this is really for my friend who grew up in Missouri among people like the girl in this video, it can be enjoyed by all.

No matter what your feelings on the abortion debate, you have to admit that this is awesome.

For the real comedy, please click here to read the comments on Fark. God bless a country that has people like this and then has other people funny enough to write about it.

Your help is needed

So today via FedEx I got a package from my college. It wasn't a lawsuit for dorm damage. It was a photograph. I agreed to appear in the college's Report of Gifts and I went down there and they took an hour's worth of photos.

Hands in pockets, hands out.
Hat on, hat off
Arms at sides, arms crossed.
Smiling, not smiling
Pants up, pants down.

Well, all but the last one. And we finally went with hands in, hat on, arms crossed, smiling. And so the publication went out to all the alums and I'm in there with people that actually give money. One lady actually gave enough to light on of the athletic fields. Not sure how much that cost, but probably more than $45 a month, which is what yours truly gives.

So they just sent me a photo thanking me. And here is the question? What the hell do I do with a photo of myself? It's a decent photo, but it seems really odd to put up on the wall in my apartment. So I put this survey together for the three of you who read this. And if there are any suggestions outside these, just leave them in the comments.

I'm really curious.

Hope you chose wisely

In case you haven't heard, there is a winner in the DVD 2.0 wars. It is Blu-Ray. And while the owners of Toshiba cry and the owners of the PS 3 rejoice, here is a neat fact sheet from Consumerist for the rest of us schlubs.

I don't even have a flat screen yet.

Lunchbox in Boston

So this weekend was a busy and terrific one. First, my friend Adam who is known around here as the guy in the Lunchbox videos, was here for a few days. He was in a radio play that opened for the Magnetic Fields. I'd never heard them before, but they were pretty interesting and the lead singer had this odd low voiced mumbling thing going on. But we had a great time. Went to The Barking Crab with my friend Chuck and we all had...crab. It was good and the waitresses were humorless.

I also went to pick up my new car on Friday, and I drove it home.

Okay, so this isn't the car I bought. But there was some snafu at the dealership with my bank check which I knew was too easy. How often do you print out a document that allows some guy to let you take away a new car. So after that was done, I brought this home.

Much better. Put XM radio in and I'm all set. Nice to finally drive my own wheels.

Ego Much?

Listen, when I was a cop in New York City, we only went so far as to call ourselves "New York's Finest." And I'd hazard that we had some really incredible guys working on that job that was larger than the Coast Guard

What the hell is up with this? I didn't vote for these clowns.

Go drink a latte and write some jaywalking tickets, you tanned zips.  Hard to see the criminals with the cucumber slices over your eyes I hear. 

Californigh-yah.....

Good Evening, I took a quick jaunt to the Left Coast on this weekend. And I didn't get to see a bunch of friends out there, but this was a somewhat under the radar trip as it's been crazy at work and I just needed to chill.

And this is the thing you want to see when leaving for warmer climates.These are deicing trucks spraying down a JetBlue plane at Logan. Which as mentioned before in this blog is a good thing, but even nicer when you're flying somewhere that's 75 degrees and not a cloud in the sky.

So out there I stayed with my friend Sam and his wife Kathryn (I really think I'm spelling her name right) and their insane sheltie Dougall. That dog barks at the wind, the TV,or my farts. So yes, the dog was loud this weekend.  Hardy har har.  To sum up the activities: 

Drinking, finally watching Superbad, U.S. Rugby 7's tourney in San Diego, really fresh mexican food, a beach with like 4,000 dogs on it, karaoke at an Irish pub, wearing shorts in February.  

This photo does it justice:

And then I got back and it was like 15 degrees. Damn New England. It's like we did something to God over here.

Ah so....

If you watched the Super Bowl, I'm sure you saw this coming....

Even voting is different up here

So today is Super Tuesday and I just went down the street to cast my vote. This is not going to be a post about Vote or Die or how thousands of Americans have died so that we can all have the right to vote. I think people should vote, but I'm not going to preach.

However, I miss the NYC voting machines. They are these giant metal beasts with levers and knobs. It makes voting fun. You turn the knob for your candidate and then to cast your vote and clear the board, you move this giant lever on the floor. It feels satisying. As if you're actually sending your vote hurtling towards the Board of Elections.

In Somerville, they have a paper ballot with the candidates names. And there's broken arrows next to each of them. So you fill in the arrow. I was skeptical to say the least, and unlike the machine, I kept peeking at the ballot to make sure the right arrow was connected. And then you feed it into a machine and it beeps and you're done. That's it. Not satisfying "Ka-chunk" as the lever slides forward. You sort of wonder if you voted at all. However, I did get a sticker that says "I voted today." And that's gotta be worth something.

Is it safe?

So tonight the 18-0 Pats coughed up the big one to the Giants, and while I was rooting for the Pats tonight (Jets fan), I realized that this isn't a big deal. I know that's blasphemy to the guy from Quincy getting his large regular at Dunkin tomorrow morning, which perversely up here means cream instead of milk with sugar. But I think that given the past successes of the Sox and the Pats that this town has come to expect victories. And every once in awhile, when one gets too cocky, you need to be reminded of where you live. And that's Boston, the home for suffering sports fans. The perennial underdogs. This being on top stuff isn't really all that great.
Tomorrow morning I have my checkup at the dentist. And just like I did in 5th grade, I spent like 20 minutes brushing my teeth. As if somehow an extra 3 minutes the night before will make up for 5 months of general dental neglect and lack of flossing. I'm going to have to have the talk tomorrow about the mouth guard. Which even though a beautiful friend of mine admits to using one, seems like the last step in bachelor geekdom. But I guess I want to keep the chompers, right?

Take that Mike Gravel

No matter your political views, you should admit that this is a pretty awesome spot.

Wow, so much Wow. Like a Sea of Wow.

So I must conclude that Season 4 of the Wire is the most depressing season of television out there. This show which I've gloated over like some sort of deranged lunatic I know, really is the tops. No show on TV right now has the guts that The Wire does. No show. And ending Season 4 might have crushed my soul a little bit.

But much like a phoenix rising from the ashes, the staff at RoCS have come up with something to lift the dark clouds of inner-city Baltimore. And it comes in the form of a psychic. I should mention that this guy is actually the son of my parent's friends. This clip is awesome. My favorite part is when he asks the guy how often he touches himself.

I agree it's a tad excessive, but the man has needs.

This is the future of TV if the WGA doesn't work out this strike.

Florida Primary Results

So the world knows now that McCain won in Florida and Romney came in second. And yes Hillary came in first in a state that gives her no delegates. I'm currently feeling Obama.

However the big news is Giuliani, my former boss. He staked it all on Florida and came up looking like a dumbass as he is currently fighting off Huckabee for 3rd. I for one, as a former NYC police officer, couldn't be happier. This is what happens Rudy when you wage a mayoral campaign, senate campaign and then presidential campaign on the fact that you lowered crime in NYC. In reality, it was the police that lowered crime, and Rudy thanked them by giving them double zero's as retro-raises. And it's not just the cops, this man is a uniter in that he brings loathing from both sides of the NYC public safety community.

Karma is a bitch, Rudy. Now please McCain, don't take him as your running mate.

And if you missed the State of the Union, my good friend Waka will gladly break it down right here:

It's late

First, RIP Heath Ledger. Sorry to spoil it for those who didn't know, but he was apparently found in his home with sleeping pills nearby, which while police have said might not be an overdose, did not deter this bastion of journalistic integrity from opining differently.

Here's an example of their creativity. Though my favorite was when the busted the alledged Al Qaeda cell in Western New York and the headlines read, "Osama's Buffalo Wing."

Finally allow me to say that I started watching the 4th Season of The Wire. I know, I'm a season late. But I've come up with a new word.

Televorgasm

It's what happens in my pants after watching an episode of this show. It's so damn good. Please. For the love of all things holy, find this show and watch it if you haven't already. Goddamn I love it.

Under the category of general whoring

Ahem...

So yours truly is a guest on a podcast. This all happened as a result of my dear friend Amanda who is one of the smartest, coolest, sexiest kindest people I know. She works part-time with these two people Peter Villa and Lindsey Neill. Anyway, these guys decided apparently to do a podcast with no basic subject or theme.

And what do you do with an hour with no restrictions? You apparently invite me to blather on for almost 50 minutes about everything and nothing in particular. Hearing my voice recorded still makes me cringe a little bit.

Peter and Lindsey are awesome people. And for the guys reading this, she's single and very attractive. If you want to meet her, I'll need $5 and proof you have your shots. Sorry ladies, Peter is married and sadly does not have his shots.

If you care to occupy your time with some funny stories and my awful voice, then click here.

The follow-up

So, it's Sunday and I've found time to blog for a little bit. I think I'll go back to the beginning.

This is the Seattle skyline from the ferry to Bainbridge Island that Emily and I took. You can't see the needle, but it's to the left. Had some good times. Went to the Sci-Fi Museum and the Experience Music Project which are co-located and both owned by Paul Allen, who is silly rich. They used the Zune as their music player in both museums, which was the first time I had seen one, which explains the popularity of the IPod. We drank beer at this place, after getting a car to take us up there and back which was a few bucks but worth it so we could get our drink on and not have to worry. Good beer. And fun was had by both of us.

Flew back on the red-eye through an awful storm and then took a nap and then drove up to Maine. So here's what happened. Driving in heavy snow on 295, going the speed limit which had been reduced down to 45, and the car begins turning left. I try to get out of the spin by turning the wheel right. (Note: You're supposed to turn into the skid, but what with the oncoming traffic I wasn't sure if that was the wisest.) So sure enough the Explorer comes around to the right, and then I go too right. And now I'm sliding out of control and about to broadside the snowbank on the right side of the road.

This song starts playing in my head.

Seriously, I was really like "I guess we'll just see how this turns out. "

So I hit the snowbank, huge amount of snow kicks up and I'm slowing down. I think to myself this isn't that bad, and as if God had an awesome sense of humor, the Ford goes over onto the driver's side. And the driver's window breaks and snow floods into the cabin. That was probably the only time in the 7-second event I was really scared. I was thinking about that older couple every year somewhere that go off the road and aren't found and need to survive by drinking frozen snow and eating Lorna Doones. Except I think all I had were Altoids. And then the car was on it's roof, and then the passenger side, and then somehow the wheels again.

So I come to rest about 45 feet from 295, perpendicular to it. The engine is running, my hands are clenched in some sort of death grip on the wheel, there's snow all over my lap, and some awful Maroon 5 song is blaring, in some way mocking the seriousness of what just happened. I get out via the passenger door, call 911 and have no idea where I am. I use my Garmin to tell the dispatcher where I am. And the rest is basically history....well they come, the car is totaled, the Maine Emergency Management Agency totally looked out and were amazing. I did teach the class I was supposed to the next day, because what else was I supposed to do.

Funny last thing: When your car rolls completely, it's amazing the crap that squirts out of whatever hiding place it's been in for the last 5 years. I found 2 EZ-Pass transponders. Both active. So that means my car has three active transponders. God knows how much I've been paying for tolls these past years. The MassPike should send me a Thank You card. Seriously.

I'm going car shopping and have some stories. But that's for another post soon.

Holy crap...

Okay, so this is going to be quick as I'm really tired. I was in Seattle with my friend Emily this past weekend and took the red-eye back on Monday morning. Have some great photos.

Driving up to Maine to teach a class in my 98 Ford Explorer in a pretty nasty storm last night. And lost control of the car. (Well, I'm typing this and not dead, so it wasn't too bad) But I ended up going off the interstate, and rolling the car completely so that it landed back on it's wheels again. Some minor cuts from the broken window, but nothing serious.

Finished the class in Maine today and got rides back. I have some incredible friends I know and work with who drove me up and back from the accident to the class and then home. One pal loaned me his car for a few days while I get it sorted out. My brother offered me his car, which I might take him up on as a friend of mine in Poughkeepsie might need me this weekend.

I was talking to a friend tonight who said I have a guardian angel out there, as last night could have gone 1,000 different ways and all of them far worse. It might be our friend Erin Schlather, she suggested. And I like that idea very much.

I'll have photos and play-by-play soon. I'm just too damn tired.

Thanks Erin.

NH Primary Day

My good friend Ben is writing for the online political journal Politico, and happens to be in NH today covering the primary. If you're interested, which if you have a pulse you should be, then swing by and follow his coverage. N.B. He's covering the Dems and 08 race. There's another guy on the site named Jonathan Martin that's covering the Republicans.

Rock the Vote

Wired and unhappy

So I own a MacBook Pro laptop and have for almost 2 years. When I bought it, I bought AppleCare which is the extended warranty of 3 years as opposed to 1. However this guy thought it was like a car warranty, ah no. You have to activate it. Which was all well and good until I lost the box that the code came in.

Fast forward almost two years and I'm cleaning my bedroom. I found the box, and a bloody glove and Amelia Earhart. And currently my computer is making noise. Sounds like a fan problem. It actually sounds like Leopard. Not the new operating system, but as if there's an actual leopard stuck in my laptop. No bueno. So I call to activate my AppleCare and the lady is perplexed as to why I'm doing this almost two years late. I tell her she doesn't know me. So it gets resolved and I take it to the Apple Store and meet with a genius who takes it from me and promises to get it back in 5-7 days.

5-7 Days? I need this thing. It sits on my lap and acts as my second brain. Like when I'm watching TV and I think "What else has that guy been in?" Boom, he was in Leprechaun 4. Or I want to do some e-mails before bed, well now I'm tethered to my desktop. A computer I'll add that I bought about 5 years ago when I was drunk one night. I woke up with a hangover and saw my wallet near the computer, which is never a good sign. And then got an e-mail from Dell congratulating me on my purchase. At least it wasn't Russian hookers.

So I'll be blogging a little light this week. And then I'm off to Seattle for a long weekend with a friend. Wha hoo. Coffee, flying fish, and microbrews.

The New Year's First Post

Happy 2008 to my handful of faithful readers. I spent the evening playing Wii and eating chinese food with my favorite gun for hire at his swanky digs in Boston. We screened two films this evening on his giant TV. They were the GrindHouse series directed by Robert Rodriguez and Tarrantino. Basically two separate films with similar casts, shot similarly and then screened in theaters together.

The first one, Planet Terror was good. I do love me some Rose McGowan, especially when she has a machine gun as a prosthesis. And Bruce Willis spoke like 9 words, but they were manly words. Asides from that, it was general zombie mayhem with a little Toxic Avenger thrown in for good measure.

The second, Death Proof, was about a guy who kills girls with his car. This was the Tarrantino film and was much slower to get started and then got really fast, really quickly. Good stuff. Vanessa Ferlito was excellent and sounded straight out of Brooklyn which made me smile.

Verdict: Check these films out. And do watch them together for the effect. And the fake preview before Planet Terror is actually becoming a movie.

Merry New Year

That title keeps with the Trading Places theme.

On this, the last day of 2007, I sit here in Morrisville, VT just outside of Stowe. Stowe you say? You must be enjoying some hard-core winter sports! Not so much, I went cross-country skiing yesterday and fell about 341 times in about 2 hours. I got snow in places my doctor can't even find, and I broke the coat rack of the lodge trying to prevent my face from being one with the wall. Good thing that those cross-country people are super chill. Case in point, on my 35th wipeout of the day, I was buried in a snowdrift with my head poking out and a couple came up the trail. I joked to the guy, "Stay away from this part, it's deep over here." To which he replied "Right on man, thanks." Ah stoners.

So I'm in a small house with about 9 members of my family or their girlfriends/wives. Booze is really the key here, people. It's like the lubricant to get through family gatherings. So wishing you all the best in the upcoming year. And if you're not with someone on this lamest of holidays, fear not. For there's always booze and Twilight Zone marathons, and the Stooges. And me.

Be good everybody.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone. Hope this finds you all happy and with friends or family today.

The Boob Tube

So I was watching TV a week or so ago and flipping through the Comcast on-screen menu and saw The Wedding Planner. No big deal. Awful J-Lo movie with Matt McConaughey, don't care about the story dreck. This is no big deal, as there's crap on TV all the time. But it was on AMC. American Movie Classics. Now I know they call themselves AMC now. This is reminiscent of how Kentucky Fried Chicken changed their name to KFC. Many said it's because legally they weren't allowed to call it chicken.

So as a film fan, I realized how much I do love the classics and to call this movie a classic pissed me off. So I did what any red-blooded American would do. I wrote an e-mail.

Here is the letter:

From: Ramblings of a Civil Servant
T0: Info@amctv.com
Date: December 9th, 2007 11:31PM

To Whom it May Concern,

I was watching TV a few nights ago and noticed that AMC was showing The Weddling Planner, starring Jennifer Lopez and Matthew McConaughey. I wonder if perhaps had aired this by mistake, because this movie hardly could be considered a classic. First, it came out in 2001. I've got things in my fridge older than that. Second, it is an awful movie. This is not really open to debate. Rotten Tomatoes gives it a rating of 15% which is very bad. Very, very bad.

Please don't show this movie again. Screen the Godfather or Ben Hur anytime you see this movie coming up in your lineup. And if there was an intern who told you this was a good movie for your channel, fire him. Okay, make him watch the Godfather and then fire him. Note that I didn't say Godfather 3, which is almost as large a piece of crap as The Wedding Planner. Or you can continue to screen The Wedding Planner, but just change the name of your channel to Additional Mindless Cinema or something like that.

Sincerely,

Ramblings


They haven't written back.

Spotters Ready! Gladiators Ready!

Holy Crap. It's on. I remember this like it was yesterday. My favorite game was the one where they used all kinds of different weapons to fire foam projectiles.


Though for some AG love, and to get you pumped for the redux, here's the Eliminator